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( applause )
OKAY.
STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE.
A BLACK, A POLACK, AND A JEW ARE WORKING CONSTRUCTION
AND THEY'RE BUILDING A HOUSE OUT OF DIFFERENT COLOR BRICKS
WHEN THEY GET IN AN ARGUMENT OVER WHO'S STRONGEST.
SO...
THEY HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO CAN THROW A BRICK THE HIGHEST.
THE BLACK GUY GOES FIRST TAKES A BLUE BRICK THROWS IT OVER
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
UNIMPRESSED, THE POLISH GUY
TAKES A GREEN BRICK AND THROWS IT OVER
THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.
FINALLY THE JEWISH GUY TAKES A YELLOW BRICK, WINDS UP,
AND THROWS IT SO HIGH IT DOESN'T COME DOWN.
WELCOME TO MY ONE PERSON COMEDY SHOW.
( applause )
I'M JASON KULLER, THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I'M ALMOST EMBARRASSED TO TELL YOU WHEN I WAS 12 AND MY DAD
FIRST TOLD ME "THAT JOKE"
I LAUGHED.
EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I DIDN'T GET IT AND AS SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE
NOTICED THERE'S NOTHING TO GET.
BUT I LAUGHED BECAUSE
WELL, I GUESS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A SUCKER FOR ALTERNATIVE COMEDY.
BUT REALLY I DIDN'T WANT MY DAD TO THINK I WAS STUPID.
TO SHOW HIM HOW SMART I WAS.
"GOOD ONE, DAD."
I CERTAINLY HAD HIM FOOLED
BECAUSE HE TOLD IT TO ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
AND JUST AS I TRIED TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF THAT YELLOW BRICK,
I FIND MYSELF NOW TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF MY LIFE.
THAT'S ME AS A BOY WITH MY PARENTS.
GROWING UP IN THE CATSKILL MOUNTAINS
OF MONTICELLO, NEW YORK.
BETTER KNOWN AS THE BORSCHT-BELT.
I DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME, BUT I WOULD FIND MYSELF
IN A COSMIC STRUGGLE BETWEEN THE FORCES OF GOOD AND EVIL.
NAMELY MILDRED AND SOL KULLER, MY MOTHER AND FATHER.
MY MOM IS A TRADITIONAL JEWISH MOTHER AND HOMEMAKER.
SHE KEPT A KOSHER HOME WITH TWO SETS OF DISHES.
ONE FOR MILK, ONE FOR MEAT.
AND EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT I WOULD WATCH HER LIGHT THE CANDLES
AND WELCOME THE SABBATH.
NOW, MY DAD COULDN'T BE THERE
BECAUSE HE WAS OFF HAVING HIS OWN RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
AT THE TRACK.
BETTING HORSES AT THE MONTICELLO RACEWAY.
MY DAD WAS...
WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU MY DAD IN HIS WORK UNIFORM.
IF GERARD DEPARDIEU HAD DONE GOODFELLAS.
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO TELL,
BUT MY DAD WAS A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA.
HE WAS REALLY JUST A SMALL TIME MOB BOOKIE.
I ALWAYS HAD AN IDEA THAT WHAT MY DAD DID WAS BAD OR ILLEGAL
'CAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD DRILL ME.
"IF ANYONE ASKS YOU WHAT YOUR FATHER DOES,
YOU TELL THEM HE SELLS CLOTHES."
WHICH WAS TRUE, BUT IT WAS HOT MERCHANDISE.
THAT HE PEDDLED OUT OF THE TRUNK.
HE WENT LEGIT ONCE TO PLEASE MY MOM BY OPENING A CLOTHING STORE
AND IT WAS RIGHT AFTER I WAS BORN.
SO HE CALLED THIS STORE, JASOL'S.
PRETTY CATCHY, HUH.
IT MIGHT STILL BE IN BUSINESS TODAY WERE IT NOT FOR THAT
MYSTERIOUS FIRE.
PERHAPS MY DAD OVER ESTIMATED THE PUBLIC DEMAND
FOR BULKY SWEATERS.
INSTEAD, THE ENDURING IMAGE I HAVE OF MY DAD
IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE SMOKING PALL MALLS.
ON THE PHONE TAKING AND PLACING BETS.
NOW, ON MY DAD'S BETTING SLIPS WERE WTTEN ON FLASH PAPER.
THAT WAY IF THE COPS CAME,
DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER.
HOW COOL WAS THAT ?
I WASN'T GONNA TELL MY MOTHER,
I WAS TEMPTED TO CALL THE POLICE.
SO I COULD WATCH MORE PYROTECHNICS.
MY DAD WANTED ME TO BE STREET SMART LIKE HIM.
SO WHILE OTHER FATHERS TAUGHT THEIR KIDS
HOW TO HIT A BASEBALL,
SOL TAUGHT ME HOW TO SPOT A MARKED DECK.
WELL...
WHEN MY MOM FOUND OUT ABOUT THE MARKED CARDS,
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN LET US PLAY DREIDLE.
MY MOM IS LIKE THE JEWISH MOTHER TERESA.
DEDICATING HERSELF TO SOCIAL WORK AND CHARITY
EXCEPT WHATEVER MY MOTHER GAVE TO THOSE LESS FORTUNATE
WAS OFFSET BY WHAT MY DAD TOOK.
ALTHOUGH SHE LOVED MY DAD,
MY MOM DIDN'T WANT US TO BE LIKE HIM.
LIKE ALL JEWISH MOTHERS SHE WANTED US TO BE
DOCTORS, LAWYERS, PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY PLAYERS.
JUST TRYING TO BREAK THE STEREOTYPES.
THAT'S MY OLDEST BROTHER, MARK, MY LITTLE BROTHER, GLEN, AND ME
WHEN MY MOM WAS DRESSING ME LIKE SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
MY MOM EMPHASIZED EDUCATION.
BOOK SMARTS.
AND MY OLDEST BROTHER, MARK, WAS HER PRIDE AND JOY.
A STRAIGHT "A" STUDENT.
HE GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE ON THE NEW YORK STATE REGENTS EXAM
IN MATH WITH HIS PICTURE IN THE PAPER
UNDER THE CAPTION "MATH 'MARKS' HIGH".
WELL, MY DAD IMMEDIATELY SAW MARK'S POTENTIAL
FOR CARD COUNTING.
BUT GROWING UP, I WAS ALWAYS CLOSER TO GLEN.
MAYBE BECAUSE WE WERE CLOSER IN AGE,
WE SHARED A BEDROOM TOGETHER
AND LET'S FACE IT, MARK WAS A BIG DORK.
BUT GLEN FULFILLED MY MOM'S WORST NIGHTMARE
TAKING AFTER MY DAD.
( laughing )
THIS IS GLEN'S 11th GRADE ENGLISH PAPER.
AND THE TITLE IS "HARNESS RACING".
"ONE OF THE FASTEST GROWING SPORTS IN THE COUNTRY TODAY
IS HARNESS RACING OR THE TROTS."
HE WAS 17.
LISTEN TO HIS CONCLUSION.
"THERE IS NO THRILL LIKE HAVING A WINNING TICKET ON THE HORSE
"OF YOUR CHOICE.
"I ENJOY IT IMMENSELY.
YOU WOULD TOO."
THE FUNNIEST THING IS THE TEACHER GAVE HIM AN "A".
"GOOD", SHE WRITES.
NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
FOR DELINQUENT GAMBLING.
MY DAD WAS SO PROUD, HE TAPED GLEN'S PAPER
TO THE REFRIGERATOR.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHOSE SIDE I WAS ON
NOR DID I WANT TO PICK A SIDE.
BUT MY PARENTS WERE SUCH OPPOSITES.
I FELT LIKE I HAD TO.
THE ONLY THING THEY HAD IN COMMON IS THEY WERE BOTH BORN
INTO POVERTY ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF NEW YORK.
MY DAD WAS A HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT.
AND HE MADE HIS LIVING DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION
HUSTLING STRANGERS ON THE STREET.
HIS BIG BREAK WAS THE NAVY, WORLD WAR II.
SAILOR SOL WOULD FIND AN EMPTY BUNK ON THE SHIP,
LEAVE A MARKED DECK OF CARDS,
COME BACK AT NIGHT WHEN THERE WAS ALREADY A GAME.
THEN...
"HEY, GUYS, MIND IF I PLAY ?"
I WISH MY FATHER WERE SOME KIND OF WAR HERO.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE DIDN'T PLAY THE NAZI'S IN POKER.
BUT WINNING MY MOM'S HEART HAD TO BE HIS GREATEST CON JOB.
AS HER DIARY REVEALS.
MY DAD WAS 21 ON LEAVE, LOADED WITH CASH
FROM HIS AMAZING WINNING STREAK AT CARDS.
MY MOM WAS 18, ABOUT TO GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL,
AND COULD HAVE HAD ANY GUY.
SHE WAS A BABE.
THAT'S THE OTHER BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HER AND MOTHER TERESA.
THE DATE WAS JANUARY 25, 1945.
SHE WRITES,
"WENT TO THE MOVIES WITH FRIENDS
AND WHEN I CAME BACK I MET SOLLY KULLER."
A FEW DAYS LATER.
"HAD THE MOST GORGEOUS TIME TONIGHT.
SOLLY OF COURSE."
SOLLY OF COURSE ?
THAT WAS QUICK.
"HE ASKED ME OUT FOR 'MTWTFS'."
MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY.
"I THINK HE LIKES ME."
I THINK SO.
"AND I'M HAPPY."
NEXT WEEK...
"GRADUATION AT LAST.
"ONE OF THE BIGGEST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.
WENT UPTOWN AFTER WITH S.K."
UPTOWN WITH S.K. ?
MORE LIKE UPTOWN WITH B.S.
BUT SHE WAS HOOKED.
AND MY MOM SENT MY BROTHERS AND ME ALL TO YESHIVA,
PRIVATE HEBREW SCHOOL.
IN YESHIVA, WE ALL HAD TO WEAR THESE
LONG, CURLY SIDE BURNS CALLED "PAYOS".
NOT FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS, BUT BECAUSE THEY LOOKED SO GOOD.
BUT DESPITE THE "PAYOS",
I HAD A HARD TIME FITTING IN AT YESHIVA.
ALTHOUGH MY MOM KEPT KOSHER AND LIT SABBATH CANDLES
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT,
MY DAD WOULD SNEAK SLICED HAM INTO THE HOUSE.
WHICH HE FED TO US LIKE YAPPING DOGS.
"DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER."
ONCE YOU TASTE HAM, IT'S LIKE SMOKING CRACK.
PRETTY SOON YOU'RE ON THE STREET
HOCKING YOUR YARMULKE FOR BACON.
EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT MY DAD WOULD TAKE US OUT
FOR CHINESE FOOD.
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT PORK OR SHRIMP AT HOME,
THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY IT WAS PREPARED
AT CHINESE RESTAURANTS.
SOME LOOPHOLE AND KOSHER DIETARY LAW.
MY FAVORITE PART WAS AFTER DINNER
WHEN MY DAD READ HIS FORTUNE COOKIE.
HE WHO SITS IN JELLY HAS ASS IN JAM.
AND EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T GET IT,
"GOOD ONE, DAD,
THAT REMINDS ME TELL THE YELLOW BRICK JOKE AGAIN."
ONE MONDAY MORNING I GOT SICK FROM OUR CHINESE MEAL
AND I THREW UP IN HEBREW SCHOOL.
AND ARI GREENSPAN, THE TEACHER'S PET,
VOLUNTEERED TO HELP ME CLEAN UP THE VOMIT.
I'D LIKE TO SEE HIS ONE MAN SHOW.
THAT'S WHEN ARI NOTICED SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
"IS THAT A SHRIMP ?"
HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW WHAT SHRIMP LOOKED LIKE ?
DID HIS FAMILY ALSO GO OUT FOR CHINESE ?
AND ARI GREENSPAN THREATENED TO OUT ME IN YESHIVA.
AS A SHRIMP EATER.
IN THE ARI GREENSPAN SHRIMP OUTING INCIDENT,
AS IT WAS CALLED,
UNDER SCORES MY DOUBLE LIFE IN THOSE DAYS.
MY MOM'S WORLD,
YESHIVA.
I WASN'T JEWISH ENOUGH.
BUT IN MY DAD'S WORLD, THE REAL WORLD,
I WAS SO JEWISH.
DESPITE MY PARENTS' DIFFERENCES.
I HAD AN INCREDIBLY HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
OUR HOUSE WAS FILLED WITH LOVE AND LAUGHTER.
MY DAD WAS JUST THIS NATURAL AND FUNNY CHARACTER
WHICH I THINK WAS THE MAIN REASON MY MOM LOVED HIM.
ONE MORNING, MY MOM WOKE ME UP FOR SCHOOL,
PICKED OUT MY CLOTHES, COOKED ME BREAKFAST.
AND AS I WAS GETTING READY TO LEAVE TO CATCH THE BUS.
SHE SAID, "COME HERE AND GIVE MOMMY A KISS."
SHE WAS LYING ON THE COUCH LIKE SHE WAS TIRED.
BUT IT WAS A MONTH BEFORE MY BAR MITZVAH.
I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO FEEL BURDEN BY MY PARENTS.
SO I FLEXED MY INDEPENDENCE.
AFTER SHE HAD WOKEN ME UP FOR SCHOOL,
PICKED OUT MY CLOTHES, COOKED ME BREAKFAST.
"MOM, I GOT TO GO, I'M GONNA MISS THE BUS."
SHE SAID, "COME HERE AND TELL MOMMY YOU LOVE HER."
IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME FIVE SECONDS.
BUT I SAID, "I GOT TO GO."
AND I LEFT...
AND WHEN I CAME BACK FROM SCHOOL THAT DAY, THE DOOR WAS LOCKED.
SO I KNOCKED ON A NEIGHBOR'S DOOR.
A STRANGE WOMAN TOLD ME THAT THEY HAD TAKEN MY MOM
AWAY IN AN AMBULANCE.
BUT I WASN'T WORRIED BECAUSE MY MOM HAD BEEN SICK BEFORE.
WE'D OCCASIONALLY DRIVE HER TO THE CITY TO GET HER MEDICINE
AND SHE'D ALWAYS GOTTEN BETTER.
AND THAT'S WHY SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL NOW TO GET BETTER.
I WENT TO STAY AT MY AUNT'S HOUSE.
AND I WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED BECAUSE THE WEATHER SERVICE
WAS PREDICTING A HUGE BLIZZARD
WHICH MEANT NO SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY.
SO TO CELEBRATE ME AND MY COUSIN, FAWN,
FISHLER WERE BAKING MOCK APPLE PIE.
OUT OF RITZ CRACKERS FROM A RECIPE ON THE BOX.
BARRY MANILOW'S, "I WRITE THE SONGS",
WAS BLARING ON THE KITCHEN RADIO.
WHEN A PAIR OF HEADLIGHTS CAME UP THE DRIVEWAY.
IT WAS MY DAD COMING BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL.
I RAN TO THE FRONT DOOR.
"HOW IS SHE DAD ?"
HE DIDN'T ANSWER.
HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.
HE JUST LOOKED AT THE FLOOR.
AND KEPT WALKING.
"HOW'S MOMMY DOING ?"
AND HE JUST KEPT WALKING.
TO THE BACK BEDROOM.
AND THEN I HEARD MY AUNT SCREAM.
AND MY UNCLE CAME OUT CRYING AND MY COUSIN SAID,
"WHAT'S WRONG, DADDY ?"
HE SAID, "YOUR AUNT MILDRED'S DEAD."
THAT'S HOW I FOUND OUT.
"YOUR AUNT MILDRED'S DEAD."
SO I RAN OUT THE FRONT DOOR
INTO A BLIZZARD, WITHOUT SHOES, WITHOUT A JACKET.
AND WHEN I WAS FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM EVERYBODY,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND I LOOKED INTO THE SKY
AND I CURSED GOD.
AND I ASKED HIM WHY HE DID THIS.
BUT LIKE MY FATHER...
THERE WAS NO ANSWER.
ONLY SNOW.
I WAS SO MAD AT GOD.
BECAUSE I HAD TRIED SO HARD TO OBEY ALL HIS LAWS.
I SWEAR I THOUGHT MAYBE MY MOTHER WOULD STILL BE
ALIVE IF I HADN'T EATEN HAM.
I WAS MAD AT MY DAD FOR NOT TELLING ME ABOUT MY MOM.
AND I WAS ALSO MAD AT MYSELF BECAUSE I COULD NOT GET
THAT DAMN BARRY MANILOW SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.
TO THIS DAY I WILL START CRYING LIKE A BABY
IF I HEAR BARRY MANILOW SING, "I WRITE THE SONGS".
A PHENOMENON THAT HAS ENDED SEVERAL
OF MY ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.
AND IT'S NOT EVEN A SAD SONG.
IT'S NO "SEND IN THE CLOWNS".
IT'S NOT EVEN "MANDY".
WELL...
AFTER MY MOM DIED, MY DAD HONORED HER
THE BEST WAY HE KNEW HOW.
BY ARRANGING THE MILDRED KULLER MEMORIAL TROT
AT MONTICELLO RACEWAY.
I FELT LIKE SUCH A WINNER.
ANYWAY...
AT 13 MY MOM WAS GONE.
I HAD BROKEN UP WITH GOD.
AND MARK WAS AWAY AT SCHOOL WHICH MEANT MY DAD
WAS IN CHARGE.
AND MY DAD'S FIRST ACT AS NEW HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
WAS MOVING GLEN AND ME TO THE HOLY LAND, LAS VEGAS.
GOOD-BYE, "PAYOS", HELLO, VEGAS.
MY ONLY GOOD MEMORY FROM VEGAS WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION.
I WENT TO A GRADUATION PARTY WERE I FINALLY GOT TO USE
MY DAD'S MARKED CARDS.
IN A GAME OF STRIP POKER.
AFTERWARDS, MY BEST FRIEND, TODD, AND I WENT OUT DRIVING
SO WE COULD DO BONG HITS.
WHEN POLICE LIGHTS START FLASHING.
I GUESS THE COP WAS SUSPICIOUS BECAUSE NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
SMOKE TOBACCO OUT OF A HUGE PLEXI-GLASS WATERPIPE
WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING.
SO...
TODD THROWS THE POT OUT THE WINDOW,
SHOVES THE BONG UNDER THE SEAT,
WHICH THE COP INTERPRETS IS TODD REACHING FOR A GUN.
SO HE PULLS US OVER WITH HIS GUN DRAWN
AND ASKS TODD TO OPEN HIS TRUNK.
WHICH TODD DOES EVEN THOUGH THE REST OF HIS STASH
IS SITTING THERE IN A LONE, BULKY ATHLETIC SOCK.
AS CONSPICUOUS AS THE SHRIMP IN MY VOMIT.
THE COP SAYS, "WHAT'S THAT ?"
TODD, ALREADY STONED,
"THAT'S MY TRAVELING SOCK."
SO THE COP TAKES THE "TRAVELING SOCK"
AND LEAVES US PLANTED AGAINST THE CAR.
AND THAT'S WHEN I LET TODD HAVE IT.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ?
"WHAT IS MY DAD GONNA SAY WHEN THEY CALL HIM ?
WHAT THE HELL IS A TRAVELING SOCK ?"
FORGET LOSING MY VIRGINITY.
FORGET MY BAR MITZVAH.
THIS IS THE MOMENT I REALIZED I WAS A MAN
WHEN TODD LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,
"CALL YOUR DAD ?
"YOU'RE NOT GONNA CALL YOUR DAD.
"LOOK...
"IF WE'RE ARRESTED THE PAPER TOMORROW IS GONNA READ,
"TWO 19-YEAR-OLD MEN WERE ARRESTED
FOR POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA."
"AND YOU KNOW WHAT ?
"EVEN IF THEY DID CALL YOUR DAD, HE'S IN THE MAFIA.
I DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA ROCK HIS WORLD."
TODD WAS RIGHT.
I WAS A MAN.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AN OUTLAW LIKE MY FATHER.
SO I MOVED TO WASHINGTON D.C. WHERE I ATTENDED
GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY AND I MAJORED IN PHILOSOPHY.
BUT IMAGINE MY SURPRISE UPON GRADUATION WHEN NONE OF
THE BIG PHILOSOPHY COMPANIES WERE HIRING.
SO I DID THE ONLY THING I WAS QUALIFIED TO DO WITH MY DEGREE
IN ETHICS...
I BECAME A CAR SALESMAN.
ONE DAY, I TAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON A TEST DRIVE.
AND AFTERWARDS THE TOP SALESMAN, BOBBY,
COMES OVER TO ME AND SAYS...
"DID YOU FUCK HER ?"
I'M LIKE...
"NO, BOBBY, SHE'S MARRIED.
DIDN'T YOU SEE HER RING ?"
BOBBY PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME AND SAYS,
"RINGS DON'T PLUG HOLES."
TIME TO MOVE ON.
"RINGS DON'T PLUG HOLES."
ISN'T THAT ARISTOTLE ?
WHAT WAS I DOING SELLING CARS WITH BOBBY ?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING WITH MY LIFE,
SO I DECIDED TO TAKE TIME OFF AND SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
FIRST UP WITH MY DAD...
NOW RETIRED IN SOUTH FLORIDA, HIS SENSE OF YLE INTACT.
MY DAD TAKES ME TO A COUNTRY CLUB.
WHERE THESE OLD MEN SMOKE CIGARS AND PLAY CARDS FOR MONEY.
AND I WATCH HIM CIRCLE AROUND THE CARD TABLE.
LOOKING AT EVERYBODY'S HAND.
SEEING WHAT CARDS THEY'RE PLAYING.
FINALLY AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE HOURS, I GET HIM OUTSIDE
AND I SAY, "DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?"
I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND LET'S GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK."
HE SAYS, "I CAN'T, I GOT A PARTNER AT THE TABLE."
"DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGNALS ?
"THIS IS SPADE, THIS IS HEART,
"THIS IS CLUB, THIS IS DIAMOND,
THIS IS ACE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE."
HE WAS RUNNING HIS OLD SCAMS.
MY DAD WAS NO HELP.
VISITING GLEN WAS EVEN WEIRDER.
GLEN HAD MADE MY DAD VERY PROUD
BY BECOMING THE BIGGEST BOOKIE ON THE WEST COAST.
PLUS HE WEIGHED OVER FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS.
AND HIS EGO HAD GOTTEN JUST AS BIG
WHEN I QUESTIONED HIS ODDS ON
A COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME, YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID ?
"THEY DIDN'T QUESTION VAN GOGH ON HIS USE OF YELLOW."
WELL, AFTER VISITING THE FORCES OF EVIL...
IT WAS A RELIEF VISITING MY BROTHER MARK,
NOW MARRIED WITH KIDS IN WASHINGTON D.C.
MARK HAD BECOME A TAX LAWYER
AND HIS LEGISLATIVE COUNSEL FOR THE IRS.
HE WAS IN A UNIQUE POSITION TO HELP GLEN AND MY DAD WITH
THEIR CONSIDERABLE INCOME TAX ISSUES.
MARK WAS STABLE.
EDUCATED.
RESPONSIBLE.
AND THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED TO BECOME A LAWYER.
AT THE TIME I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LESS SLEAZY
THAN BEING A CAR SALESMAN.
SO AFTER GRADUATING DUKE LAW SCHOOL,
I PRACTICED IN HOUSTON, TEXAS.
AND I HATED IT.
MY CO WORKERS WERE ABSOLUTELY HUMORLESS,
WHERE AS I HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE STRAIGHT MAN IN MY FAMILY.
COMPARED TO OTHER LAWYERS I WAS FREAKING CARROT TOP.
I WAS SO FRUSTRATED,
I TRIED AN OPEN MIKE AT A LOCAL COMEDY CLUB.
AND MY FIRST TIME ON STAGE WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
I TOLD THE YELLOW BRICK JOKE.
THAT JOKE SUCKS !
BUT AFTER DOING OPEN MIKE ONLY FIVE MONTHS
I FOUND MYSELF IN A SHOWCASE AT THE IMPROV IN LOS ANGELES
AS ONE OF THE NEW FACES OF TEXAS COMEDY.
I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT NIGHT.
GLEN FLEW MY DAD OUT FOR THE BIG EVENT AND...
I COULD ACTUALLY HEAR THEM BOTH LAUGHING IN THE AUDIENCE.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I'D EVER MADE THEM LAUGH.
AND AFTERWARDS MY DAD WAS BEAMING.
IT WAS THE PROUDEST HE'S EVER BEEN OF ME.
WELL, JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT,
SOMEONE THROWS A BRICK IN THE AIR AND IT DOESN'T COME DOWN.
THAT NIGHT AT THE IMPROV TURNED OUT TO BE THE FIRST
AND LAST TIME MY DAD AND BROTHER SAW ME DO COMEDY.
A FEW MONTHS LATER MY BROTHER, GLEN, DIED OF A DRUG OVERDOSE.
THE AUTOPSY SAID HIS BODY HAD TEN TIMES THE LETHAL LIMIT
OF COCAINE.
TEN TIMES.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
BUT HE WAS THINKING IT FAST.
MARK AND I WENT TO THE FUNERAL PARLOR TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS
MY DAD WAS TOO UPSET.
IT WAS NIGHT, BITTER COLD
AND WE WERE GIVING EACH OTHER A HUG OUTSIDE
WHEN THE DOOR FLEW OPEN.
IT WAS THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR FRANTIC.
"WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOUR BROTHER !"
YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH OUR BROTHER.
WHAT IS HE STILL ALIVE ?
"NO, HE WON'T FIT IN ANY OF OUR CASKETS.
HE'S TOO BIG HE'S TOO HEAVY."
AND I REMEMBER THINKING,
HE AIN'T HEAVY.
WE ALMOST HAD GLEN'S BODY CREMATED.
WE FIGURED THE STREET VALUE OF HIS ASHES
WOULD BE IN THE MILLIONS.
GLEN WAS BURIED NEXT TO MY MOTHER IN MONTICELLO
ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHANUKAH.
HAPPY CHANUKAH.
AND PARTLY IN GLEN'S HONOR AND PARTLY TO ALLEVIATE
OUR OWN PAIN,
MARK AND I GOT HIGH THAT NIGHT.
AND ALTHOUGH WE ONLY HAD ENOUGH POT FOR ONE BONG HIT.
THROUGH SOME MIRACLE,
EIGHT NIGHTS OF BONG HITS.
( applause )
SHORTLY AFTER GLEN'S DEATH, MY DAD WAS DIAGNOSED WITH
CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE.
I KNOW IT WAS A BROKEN HEART AND
THE DOCTORS TOLD ME HE HAD A YEAR TO LIVE.
AND WHEN I TOLD MY DAD HE SAID, "BET THE OVER."
LIKE MOST OF MY DAD'S BETTING INSTINCTS,
THAT ONE WAS ALSO WRONG
AND HE DIED A FEW WEEKS LATER,
THE DAY BEFORE HIS 70TH BIRTHDAY.
BUT AFTER LOSING BOTH MY PARENTS
I SUDDENLY REALIZED HOW MUCH
I LIVED MY LIFE TO PLEASE THEM.
TO GAIN THEIR APPROVAL.
AND WITH THEM BOTH GONE, I LOST ALL MOTIVATION.
I STOPPED WORKING, I STOPPED DOING COMEDY.
I STOPPED DOING ANYTHING EXCEPT LIVE IN THE PAST.
AFTER MY MOM DIED, WE FOUND THIS LETTER IN HER PURSE.
AND SHE HAD WRITTEN IT WHEN THE DOCTORS TOLD HER
SHE HAD THREE MONTHS TO LIVE.
SHE ENDED UP CARRYING IT IN HER PURSE FOR THREE YEARS.
"DEAR MARK, SINCE I REALIZED THAT ANY DAY
"SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN I REALLY HOPE NOT.
"I MUST WRITE AND INFORM YOU OF CERTAIN THINGS.
"DADDY AND I HAVE TWO LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES.
"DADDY IS MY FIRST BENEFICIARY, YOU ARE THE SECOND BENEFICIARY.
"I HOPE DADDY USES IT FOR THE THREE OF YOU,
"DIVIDE IT EVENLY IN BANK ACCOUNTS.
"SHOULD THE MONEY GO TO YOU I'M SURE YOUR BROTHERS
"WILL GET THEIR SHARE.
"MARK, DARLING, YOU'VE MADE ME VERY HAPPY.
"YOU'RE QUITE A SON.
"MUCH MORE THAN I EVER EXPECTED.
"GLEN WILL TURN OUT ALRIGHT
"WITH DADDY'S AND YOUR SUPERVISION.
"I PRAY HE TAKES LIFE MORE SERIOUSLY EVEN THOUGH I WANT
"HIM TO ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
"JASON HAS GIVEN ME PLEASURE EVERY DAY.
"AND I PRAY HE NEVER CHANGES.
"HE ENJOYS EVERYTHING AND MAKES THE MOST OF EVERY MINUTE.
"WHAT A WONDERFUL BOY.
"DADDY HAS MADE ME VERY HAPPY
"AND I HOPE I MADE HIM HAPPY TOO.
"I DO NOT WANT HIM TO BE ALONE.
"THE LIVING MUST LIVE ON AND KEEP THE MEMORY
"OF THEIR LOVED ONES IN THEIR HEARTS.
"REMEMBER, LAUGHTER IS HEARD FARTHER THAN WEEPING.
"LATELY I'VE BEEN PRAYING OUT LOUD TO GOD
"AND I FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.
"I WOULD BE RIDING ALONE IN THE CAR AND I WOULD YELL LOUD
"AND CLEAR, 'DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME.'
"AND I WOULD FEEL GOOD AFTER THAT.
"KNOW ONE THING.
"NO ONE LIVES FOREVER.
"AND IT'S NOT HOW LONG YOU LIVED, BUT HOW YOU LIVED IT.
"I'VE BEEN PRETTY LUCKY.
"A GOOD HUSBAND AND THREE GOOD BOYS.
"STAY CLOSE TO GOD, HE REALLY HELPS.
"KEEP YOUR HOLIDAYS.
"I'LL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.
LOVE FOREVER, MOMMY."
I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE MADE IT THROUGH
GLEN'S AND MY DAD'S DEATHS WITHOUT MY MOM'S LETTER.
WITH HER VOICE IN MY HEAD
REMINDING ME OF HER STRENGTH AND HER LOVE.
AND HER FAITH.
AND I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT
MY DAD'S SENSE OF HUMOR,
NO MATTER HOW TOUGH THINGS SEEM,
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR.
I'M STILL WORKING ON PATCHING THINGS UP WITH GOD.
BUT THERE'S ONE COMMAND I GUESS I'VE ALWAYS FOLLOWED.
HONOR YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER,
WHICH IN MY CASE SEEMED LIKE SUCH A CONTRADICTION.
I ENDED UP QUITTING LAW AND MOVING TO L.A.
TO PURSUE MY DREAM,
PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY.
BUT UNTIL MY TRY-OUT WITH THE KINGS,
I THINK I'LL STICK WITH COMEDY.
SPEAKING OF WHICH THE LAST JOKE I CAN REMEMBER MY DAD
TELLING WHICH IS NOT TO SAY IT WAS THE LAST JOKE HE TOLD
OR THAT HE TOLD IT TO ME FROM HIS DEATH BED.
"SON, ONE LAST JOKE BEFORE I GO."
BUT IT'S THE LAST JOKE I COULD REMEMBER BECAUSE IT WAS THE WEEK
AFTER MY MOM DIED.
IT'S FUNNY, BUT WHEN I WAS 12,
MY MOM'S LETTER GAVE ME VERY LITTLE COMFORT.
INSTEAD THE ONLY THING THAT CHEERED ME UP WAS ANOTHER
OF MY DAD'S STUPID JOKES.
BUT THIS ONE I FINALLY GOT.
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
A MAN AND WOMAN ARE SEATED NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON A PLANE.
THE MAN IS SMOKING CIGARS, THE WOMAN HAS A PET PARROT.
AIRLINE POLICY HAS CHANGED CONSIDERABLY
SINCE MY DAD TOLD THIS JOKE.
AFTER AWHILE THE PARROT STARTS SQUAWKING BECAUSE
OF THE CIGAR SMOKE WHICH BOTHERS THE MAN WHO'S TRYING TO GET
HIS WORK DONE.
SO THEY START FIGHTING.
"SHUT THAT STUPID BIRD UP."
"PUT OUT YOUR CIGAR."
SO A STEWARDESS COMES OVER.
THIS WAS PRE-FLIGHT ATTENDANT, REMEMBER.
AND THE STEWARDESS TAKES THE MAN'S CIGAR,
TAKES THE WOMAN'S PARROT AND THROWS THEM OFF THE PLANE.
THE MAN CONTINUES WORKING, BUT THE WOMAN IS DISTRAUGHT
UNTIL SHE LOOKS OUT HER WINDOW AND SEES HER PET PARROT
FLYING RIGHT ALONGSIDE THE PLANE.
SHE IS SHOCKED BY WHAT IT HAS IN ITS MOUTH.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE YELLOW BRICK.
Captions Copyright 1999 HOME BOX OFFICE
A Division of TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER