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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Captions made possible by
HOME BOX OFFICE
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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A Division of TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
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( applause )
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00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:25,234
OKAY.
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00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:26,634
STOP ME IF YOU'VE
HEARD THIS ONE.
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00:00:26,701 --> 00:00:30,434
A BLACK, A POLACK, AND A JEW
ARE WORKING CONSTRUCTION
9
00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:34,267
AND THEY'RE BUILDING A HOUSE
OUT OF DIFFERENT COLOR BRICKS
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00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:36,100
WHEN THEY GET IN AN ARGUMENT
OVER WHO'S STRONGEST.
11
00:00:36,167 --> 00:00:37,567
SO...
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00:00:37,634 --> 00:00:40,267
THEY HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO
CAN THROW A BRICK THE HIGHEST.
13
00:00:40,334 --> 00:00:43,467
THE BLACK GUY GOES FIRST TAKES
A BLUE BRICK THROWS IT OVER
14
00:00:43,534 --> 00:00:45,734
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
15
00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:48,634
UNIMPRESSED,
THE POLISH GUY
16
00:00:48,701 --> 00:00:51,434
TAKES A GREEN BRICK
AND THROWS IT OVER
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00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:53,467
THE WORLD TRADE CENTER.
18
00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:57,234
FINALLY THE JEWISH GUY TAKES
A YELLOW BRICK, WINDS UP,
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00:00:57,300 --> 00:01:02,434
AND THROWS IT SO HIGH
IT DOESN'T COME DOWN.
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00:01:04,133 --> 00:01:06,534
WELCOME TO MY ONE
PERSON COMEDY SHOW.
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00:01:06,601 --> 00:01:09,067
( applause )
22
00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:14,567
I'M JASON KULLER,
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
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00:01:14,634 --> 00:01:18,334
I'M ALMOST EMBARRASSED TO TELL
YOU WHEN I WAS 12 AND MY DAD
24
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,467
FIRST TOLD ME
"THAT JOKE"
25
00:01:20,534 --> 00:01:22,267
I LAUGHED.
26
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:25,834
EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I DIDN'T GET
IT AND AS SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE
27
00:01:25,901 --> 00:01:28,167
NOTICED THERE'S
NOTHING TO GET.
28
00:01:28,234 --> 00:01:30,000
BUT I LAUGHED BECAUSE
29
00:01:30,067 --> 00:01:33,701
WELL, I GUESS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A SUCKER FOR ALTERNATIVE COMEDY.
30
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:40,467
BUT REALLY I DIDN'T WANT
MY DAD TO THINK I WAS STUPID.
31
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,467
TO SHOW HIM
HOW SMART I WAS.
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00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:45,300
"GOOD ONE, DAD."
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00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,234
I CERTAINLY HAD HIM FOOLED
34
00:01:47,300 --> 00:01:51,267
BECAUSE HE TOLD IT TO ME
OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
35
00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:57,734
AND JUST AS I TRIED TO MAKE
SENSE OUT OF THAT YELLOW BRICK,
36
00:01:57,801 --> 00:02:02,367
I FIND MYSELF NOW TRYING TO
MAKE SENSE OF MY LIFE.
37
00:02:02,434 --> 00:02:06,067
THAT'S ME AS A BOY
WITH MY PARENTS.
38
00:02:06,133 --> 00:02:07,167
GROWING UP IN
THE CATSKILL MOUNTAINS
39
00:02:07,234 --> 00:02:08,901
OF MONTICELLO, NEW YORK.
40
00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:11,467
BETTER KNOWN
AS THE BORSCHT-BELT.
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00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:14,000
I DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME,
BUT I WOULD FIND MYSELF
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00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:17,567
IN A COSMIC STRUGGLE BETWEEN
THE FORCES OF GOOD AND EVIL.
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00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:24,000
NAMELY MILDRED AND SOL KULLER,
MY MOTHER AND FATHER.
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00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:28,200
MY MOM IS A TRADITIONAL JEWISH
MOTHER AND HOMEMAKER.
45
00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:30,367
SHE KEPT A KOSHER HOME
WITH TWO SETS OF DISHES.
46
00:02:30,434 --> 00:02:33,300
ONE FOR MILK,
ONE FOR MEAT.
47
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:37,000
AND EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT I WOULD
WATCH HER LIGHT THE CANDLES
48
00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:40,334
AND WELCOME THE SABBATH.
49
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,934
NOW, MY DAD COULDN'T BE THERE
50
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,801
BECAUSE HE WAS OFF HAVING
HIS OWN RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
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00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:45,801
AT THE TRACK.
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00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,667
BETTING HORSES AT
THE MONTICELLO RACEWAY.
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00:02:52,133 --> 00:02:53,467
MY DAD WAS...
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00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:55,500
WELL, LET ME SHOW YOU MY DAD
IN HIS WORK UNIFORM.
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00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:00,234
IF GERARD DEPARDIEU
HAD DONE GOODFELLAS.
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00:03:05,801 --> 00:03:06,868
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO TELL,
57
00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:09,300
BUT MY DAD WAS
A MEMBER OF THE MAFIA.
58
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:13,267
HE WAS REALLY JUST
A SMALL TIME MOB BOOKIE.
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00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:16,033
I ALWAYS HAD AN IDEA THAT WHAT
MY DAD DID WAS BAD OR ILLEGAL
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00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:18,334
'CAUSE MY MOTHER
WOULD DRILL ME.
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00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,701
"IF ANYONE ASKS YOU WHAT
YOUR FATHER DOES,
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00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,601
YOU TELL THEM
HE SELLS CLOTHES."
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00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:27,400
WHICH WAS TRUE, BUT IT
WAS HOT MERCHANDISE.
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00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:30,567
THAT HE PEDDLED
OUT OF THE TRUNK.
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00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,467
HE WENT LEGIT ONCE TO PLEASE MY
MOM BY OPENING A CLOTHING STORE
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00:03:33,534 --> 00:03:36,467
AND IT WAS RIGHT
AFTER I WAS BORN.
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00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:38,534
SO HE CALLED
THIS STORE, JASOL'S.
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00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,133
PRETTY CATCHY, HUH.
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00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,767
IT MIGHT STILL BE IN BUSINESS
TODAY WERE IT NOT FOR THAT
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00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:46,334
MYSTERIOUS FIRE.
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00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:52,133
PERHAPS MY DAD OVER
ESTIMATED THE PUBLIC DEMAND
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00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,701
FOR BULKY SWEATERS.
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00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,834
INSTEAD, THE ENDURING IMAGE
I HAVE OF MY DAD
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00:04:03,901 --> 00:04:06,167
IS SITTING AT THE KITCHEN
TABLE SMOKING PALL MALLS.
75
00:04:06,234 --> 00:04:09,067
ON THE PHONE TAKING
AND PLACING BETS.
76
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:12,701
NOW, ON MY DAD'S BETTING SLIPS
WERE WTTEN ON FLASH PAPER.
77
00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:15,033
THAT WAY IF THE COPS CAME,
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00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,400
DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER.
79
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,467
HOW COOL WAS THAT ?
80
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:24,701
I WASN'T GONNA
TELL MY MOTHER,
81
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:27,300
I WAS TEMPTED TO
CALL THE POLICE.
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00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:30,734
SO I COULD WATCH
MORE PYROTECHNICS.
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00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:34,167
MY DAD WANTED ME TO BE
STREET SMART LIKE HIM.
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00:04:34,234 --> 00:04:36,234
SO WHILE OTHER FATHERS
TAUGHT THEIR KIDS
85
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:37,868
HOW TO HIT A BASEBALL,
86
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:41,367
SOL TAUGHT ME HOW TO
SPOT A MARKED DECK.
87
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,267
WELL...
88
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:45,834
WHEN MY MOM FOUND OUT
ABOUT THE MARKED CARDS,
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00:04:45,901 --> 00:04:48,434
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN
LET US PLAY DREIDLE.
90
00:04:49,601 --> 00:04:52,434
MY MOM IS LIKE THE JEWISH
MOTHER TERESA.
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00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,033
DEDICATING HERSELF
TO SOCIAL WORK AND CHARITY
92
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:57,434
EXCEPT WHATEVER MY MOTHER
GAVE TO THOSE LESS FORTUNATE
93
00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:00,734
WAS OFFSET BY
WHAT MY DAD TOOK.
94
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,567
ALTHOUGH SHE
LOVED MY DAD,
95
00:05:02,634 --> 00:05:05,267
MY MOM DIDN'T WANT
US TO BE LIKE HIM.
96
00:05:05,334 --> 00:05:06,934
LIKE ALL JEWISH MOTHERS
SHE WANTED US TO BE
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00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,000
DOCTORS, LAWYERS,
PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY PLAYERS.
98
00:05:12,234 --> 00:05:13,968
JUST TRYING TO BREAK
THE STEREOTYPES.
99
00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:17,567
THAT'S MY OLDEST BROTHER, MARK,
MY LITTLE BROTHER, GLEN, AND ME
100
00:05:17,634 --> 00:05:20,033
WHEN MY MOM WAS DRESSING
ME LIKE SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
101
00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:26,167
MY MOM EMPHASIZED EDUCATION.
102
00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,567
BOOK SMARTS.
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00:05:27,634 --> 00:05:30,267
AND MY OLDEST BROTHER, MARK,
WAS HER PRIDE AND JOY.
104
00:05:30,334 --> 00:05:32,033
A STRAIGHT "A" STUDENT.
105
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:35,167
HE GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE ON
THE NEW YORK STATE REGENTS EXAM
106
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:37,267
IN MATH WITH
HIS PICTURE IN THE PAPER
107
00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:40,200
UNDER THE CAPTION
"MATH 'MARKS' HIGH".
108
00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:43,100
WELL, MY DAD IMMEDIATELY
SAW MARK'S POTENTIAL
109
00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:45,367
FOR CARD COUNTING.
110
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:47,801
BUT GROWING UP, I WAS
ALWAYS CLOSER TO GLEN.
111
00:05:47,868 --> 00:05:50,667
MAYBE BECAUSE WE
WERE CLOSER IN AGE,
112
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:51,934
WE SHARED A BEDROOM TOGETHER
113
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,667
AND LET'S FACE IT,
MARK WAS A BIG DORK.
114
00:05:54,734 --> 00:05:58,767
BUT GLEN FULFILLED
MY MOM'S WORST NIGHTMARE
115
00:05:58,834 --> 00:06:00,467
TAKING AFTER MY DAD.
116
00:06:01,334 --> 00:06:02,834
( laughing )
117
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:07,300
THIS IS GLEN'S
11th GRADE ENGLISH PAPER.
118
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,167
AND THE TITLE IS
"HARNESS RACING".
119
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,767
"ONE OF THE FASTEST GROWING
SPORTS IN THE COUNTRY TODAY
120
00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:21,267
IS HARNESS RACING
OR THE TROTS."
121
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,133
HE WAS 17.
122
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,701
LISTEN TO
HIS CONCLUSION.
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00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:30,434
"THERE IS NO THRILL LIKE HAVING
A WINNING TICKET ON THE HORSE
124
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:32,200
"OF YOUR CHOICE.
125
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:33,934
"I ENJOY IT IMMENSELY.
126
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:35,667
YOU WOULD TOO."
127
00:06:38,167 --> 00:06:40,801
THE FUNNIEST THING IS
THE TEACHER GAVE HIM AN "A".
128
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,300
"GOOD", SHE WRITES.
129
00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:46,200
NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
130
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:47,968
FOR DELINQUENT GAMBLING.
131
00:06:50,167 --> 00:06:51,968
MY DAD WAS SO PROUD,
HE TAPED GLEN'S PAPER
132
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:53,434
TO THE REFRIGERATOR.
133
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:57,601
I DIDN'T KNOW WHOSE
SIDE I WAS ON
134
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,234
NOR DID I WANT TO
PICK A SIDE.
135
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,500
BUT MY PARENTS WERE
SUCH OPPOSITES.
136
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:03,234
I FELT LIKE I HAD TO.
137
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,200
THE ONLY THING THEY HAD IN
COMMON IS THEY WERE BOTH BORN
138
00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:07,334
INTO POVERTY ON THE LOWER
EAST SIDE OF NEW YORK.
139
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,968
MY DAD WAS A HIGH
SCHOOL DROP OUT.
140
00:07:10,033 --> 00:07:11,801
AND HE MADE HIS LIVING
DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION
141
00:07:11,868 --> 00:07:14,400
HUSTLING STRANGERS
ON THE STREET.
142
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:18,300
HIS BIG BREAK WAS
THE NAVY, WORLD WAR II.
143
00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:23,133
SAILOR SOL WOULD FIND
AN EMPTY BUNK ON THE SHIP,
144
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,534
LEAVE A MARKED
DECK OF CARDS,
145
00:07:26,601 --> 00:07:29,667
COME BACK AT NIGHT WHEN
THERE WAS ALREADY A GAME.
146
00:07:29,734 --> 00:07:30,834
THEN...
147
00:07:30,901 --> 00:07:34,234
"HEY, GUYS, MIND IF I PLAY ?"
148
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,834
I WISH MY FATHER WERE
SOME KIND OF WAR HERO.
149
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:46,634
BUT UNFORTUNATELY WE DIDN'T
PLAY THE NAZI'S IN POKER.
150
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,801
BUT WINNING MY MOM'S HEART HAD
TO BE HIS GREATEST CON JOB.
151
00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:55,601
AS HER DIARY REVEALS.
152
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,601
MY DAD WAS 21 ON LEAVE,
LOADED WITH CASH
153
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:01,000
FROM HIS AMAZING
WINNING STREAK AT CARDS.
154
00:08:01,067 --> 00:08:03,801
MY MOM WAS 18, ABOUT TO
GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL,
155
00:08:03,868 --> 00:08:05,801
AND COULD HAVE HAD ANY GUY.
156
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:07,701
SHE WAS A BABE.
157
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,968
THAT'S THE OTHER BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN HER AND MOTHER TERESA.
158
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,801
THE DATE WAS
JANUARY 25, 1945.
159
00:08:15,868 --> 00:08:18,334
SHE WRITES,
160
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,434
"WENT TO THE MOVIES
WITH FRIENDS
161
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,467
AND WHEN I CAME BACK
I MET SOLLY KULLER."
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00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:25,667
A FEW DAYS LATER.
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00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:27,667
"HAD THE MOST GORGEOUS
TIME TONIGHT.
164
00:08:27,734 --> 00:08:28,901
SOLLY OF COURSE."
165
00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:30,767
SOLLY OF COURSE ?
166
00:08:30,834 --> 00:08:32,634
THAT WAS QUICK.
167
00:08:32,701 --> 00:08:35,834
"HE ASKED ME OUT
FOR 'MTWTFS'."
168
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:39,734
MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY,
THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY.
169
00:08:39,801 --> 00:08:42,000
"I THINK HE LIKES ME."
170
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,567
I THINK SO.
171
00:08:43,634 --> 00:08:45,801
"AND I'M HAPPY."
172
00:08:45,868 --> 00:08:48,400
NEXT WEEK...
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00:08:49,434 --> 00:08:50,667
"GRADUATION AT LAST.
174
00:08:50,734 --> 00:08:52,701
"ONE OF THE BIGGEST
NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.
175
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:55,334
WENT UPTOWN AFTER WITH S.K."
176
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,968
UPTOWN WITH S.K. ?
177
00:08:58,033 --> 00:09:00,834
MORE LIKE UPTOWN WITH B.S.
178
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,267
BUT SHE WAS HOOKED.
179
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:09,100
AND MY MOM SENT MY BROTHERS
AND ME ALL TO YESHIVA,
180
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:10,534
PRIVATE HEBREW SCHOOL.
181
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,033
IN YESHIVA, WE ALL
HAD TO WEAR THESE
182
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:14,767
LONG, CURLY SIDE BURNS
CALLED "PAYOS".
183
00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:18,300
NOT FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS, BUT
BECAUSE THEY LOOKED SO GOOD.
184
00:09:21,033 --> 00:09:22,234
BUT DESPITE THE "PAYOS",
185
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,734
I HAD A HARD TIME
FITTING IN AT YESHIVA.
186
00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:25,968
ALTHOUGH MY MOM KEPT KOSHER
AND LIT SABBATH CANDLES
187
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,267
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT,
188
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,567
MY DAD WOULD SNEAK SLICED
HAM INTO THE HOUSE.
189
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:33,400
WHICH HE FED TO US
LIKE YAPPING DOGS.
190
00:09:34,234 --> 00:09:37,534
"DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER."
191
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:45,534
ONCE YOU TASTE HAM,
IT'S LIKE SMOKING CRACK.
192
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,133
PRETTY SOON YOU'RE
ON THE STREET
193
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,300
HOCKING YOUR YARMULKE
FOR BACON.
194
00:09:58,033 --> 00:09:59,400
EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT
MY DAD WOULD TAKE US OUT
195
00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:00,868
FOR CHINESE FOOD.
196
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,067
NOW, ALTHOUGH WE WEREN'T ALLOWED
TO EAT PORK OR SHRIMP AT HOME,
197
00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:06,000
THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT
THE WAY IT WAS PREPARED
198
00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:08,167
AT CHINESE RESTAURANTS.
199
00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:12,000
SOME LOOPHOLE
AND KOSHER DIETARY LAW.
200
00:10:14,334 --> 00:10:15,734
MY FAVORITE PART WAS
AFTER DINNER
201
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:18,133
WHEN MY DAD READ
HIS FORTUNE COOKIE.
202
00:10:22,834 --> 00:10:25,400
HE WHO SITS IN JELLY
HAS ASS IN JAM.
203
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,934
AND EVEN WHEN
I DIDN'T GET IT,
204
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,434
"GOOD ONE, DAD,
205
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,300
THAT REMINDS ME TELL
THE YELLOW BRICK JOKE AGAIN."
206
00:10:37,467 --> 00:10:40,367
ONE MONDAY MORNING I GOT
SICK FROM OUR CHINESE MEAL
207
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:43,500
AND I THREW UP
IN HEBREW SCHOOL.
208
00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:46,701
AND ARI GREENSPAN,
THE TEACHER'S PET,
209
00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:49,067
VOLUNTEERED TO HELP ME
CLEAN UP THE VOMIT.
210
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:52,100
I'D LIKE TO SEE
HIS ONE MAN SHOW.
211
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,767
THAT'S WHEN ARI NOTICED
SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
212
00:10:58,834 --> 00:11:01,133
"IS THAT A SHRIMP ?"
213
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,267
HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW
WHAT SHRIMP LOOKED LIKE ?
214
00:11:04,334 --> 00:11:07,500
DID HIS FAMILY ALSO
GO OUT FOR CHINESE ?
215
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:11,968
AND ARI GREENSPAN
THREATENED TO OUT ME IN YESHIVA.
216
00:11:12,033 --> 00:11:14,834
AS A SHRIMP EATER.
217
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:20,634
IN THE ARI GREENSPAN
SHRIMP OUTING INCIDENT,
218
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:21,968
AS IT WAS CALLED,
219
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:25,567
UNDER SCORES MY DOUBLE
LIFE IN THOSE DAYS.
220
00:11:25,634 --> 00:11:26,868
MY MOM'S WORLD,
221
00:11:26,934 --> 00:11:28,100
YESHIVA.
222
00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:30,834
I WASN'T JEWISH ENOUGH.
223
00:11:30,901 --> 00:11:32,868
BUT IN MY DAD'S WORLD,
THE REAL WORLD,
224
00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:35,167
I WAS SO JEWISH.
225
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,767
DESPITE MY PARENTS'
DIFFERENCES.
226
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:40,334
I HAD AN INCREDIBLY
HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
227
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,133
OUR HOUSE WAS FILLED
WITH LOVE AND LAUGHTER.
228
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,634
MY DAD WAS JUST THIS NATURAL
AND FUNNY CHARACTER
229
00:11:46,701 --> 00:11:50,000
WHICH I THINK WAS THE MAIN
REASON MY MOM LOVED HIM.
230
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:52,701
ONE MORNING, MY MOM
WOKE ME UP FOR SCHOOL,
231
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,334
PICKED OUT MY CLOTHES,
COOKED ME BREAKFAST.
232
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,167
AND AS I WAS GETTING READY
TO LEAVE TO CATCH THE BUS.
233
00:11:56,234 --> 00:11:58,901
SHE SAID, "COME HERE
AND GIVE MOMMY A KISS."
234
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:02,234
SHE WAS LYING ON THE COUCH
LIKE SHE WAS TIRED.
235
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,767
BUT IT WAS A MONTH
BEFORE MY BAR MITZVAH.
236
00:12:04,834 --> 00:12:07,200
I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO
FEEL BURDEN BY MY PARENTS.
237
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:09,067
SO I FLEXED
MY INDEPENDENCE.
238
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,367
AFTER SHE HAD WOKEN
ME UP FOR SCHOOL,
239
00:12:11,434 --> 00:12:13,367
PICKED OUT MY CLOTHES,
COOKED ME BREAKFAST.
240
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:17,000
"MOM, I GOT TO GO,
I'M GONNA MISS THE BUS."
241
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:21,801
SHE SAID, "COME HERE AND
TELL MOMMY YOU LOVE HER."
242
00:12:21,868 --> 00:12:24,634
IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN
ME FIVE SECONDS.
243
00:12:24,701 --> 00:12:26,400
BUT I SAID,
"I GOT TO GO."
244
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:27,868
AND I LEFT...
245
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,434
AND WHEN I CAME BACK FROM SCHOOL
THAT DAY, THE DOOR WAS LOCKED.
246
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,300
SO I KNOCKED ON
A NEIGHBOR'S DOOR.
247
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:34,934
A STRANGE WOMAN TOLD ME
THAT THEY HAD TAKEN MY MOM
248
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,500
AWAY IN AN AMBULANCE.
249
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:39,534
BUT I WASN'T WORRIED BECAUSE
MY MOM HAD BEEN SICK BEFORE.
250
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:42,934
WE'D OCCASIONALLY DRIVE HER TO
THE CITY TO GET HER MEDICINE
251
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,200
AND SHE'D ALWAYS
GOTTEN BETTER.
252
00:12:45,267 --> 00:12:48,300
AND THAT'S WHY SHE WAS IN
THE HOSPITAL NOW TO GET BETTER.
253
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:49,968
I WENT TO STAY AT
MY AUNT'S HOUSE.
254
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:52,567
AND I WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED
BECAUSE THE WEATHER SERVICE
255
00:12:52,634 --> 00:12:55,167
WAS PREDICTING
A HUGE BLIZZARD
256
00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:57,901
WHICH MEANT NO SCHOOL
THE NEXT DAY.
257
00:12:57,968 --> 00:12:59,934
SO TO CELEBRATE ME
AND MY COUSIN, FAWN,
258
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,133
FISHLER WERE BAKING
MOCK APPLE PIE.
259
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,667
OUT OF RITZ CRACKERS
FROM A RECIPE ON THE BOX.
260
00:13:05,734 --> 00:13:08,701
BARRY MANILOW'S,
"I WRITE THE SONGS",
261
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:10,300
WAS BLARING ON
THE KITCHEN RADIO.
262
00:13:10,367 --> 00:13:12,667
WHEN A PAIR OF HEADLIGHTS
CAME UP THE DRIVEWAY.
263
00:13:12,734 --> 00:13:14,400
IT WAS MY DAD COMING
BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL.
264
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:16,033
I RAN TO
THE FRONT DOOR.
265
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,133
"HOW IS SHE DAD ?"
266
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:18,467
HE DIDN'T ANSWER.
267
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:20,901
HE DIDN'T EVEN
LOOK AT ME.
268
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,334
HE JUST LOOKED
AT THE FLOOR.
269
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,033
AND KEPT WALKING.
270
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:25,534
"HOW'S MOMMY DOING ?"
271
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,334
AND HE JUST KEPT WALKING.
272
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,801
TO THE BACK BEDROOM.
273
00:13:28,868 --> 00:13:30,834
AND THEN I HEARD
MY AUNT SCREAM.
274
00:13:30,901 --> 00:13:35,434
AND MY UNCLE CAME OUT
CRYING AND MY COUSIN SAID,
275
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,400
"WHAT'S WRONG, DADDY ?"
276
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:40,667
HE SAID, "YOUR AUNT
MILDRED'S DEAD."
277
00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:43,234
THAT'S HOW
I FOUND OUT.
278
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,734
"YOUR AUNT MILDRED'S DEAD."
279
00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:47,267
SO I RAN OUT
THE FRONT DOOR
280
00:13:47,334 --> 00:13:49,400
INTO A BLIZZARD,
WITHOUT SHOES,
WITHOUT A JACKET.
281
00:13:49,467 --> 00:13:51,234
AND WHEN I WAS FAR ENOUGH
AWAY FROM EVERYBODY,
282
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,634
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND
I LOOKED INTO THE SKY
283
00:13:53,701 --> 00:13:56,701
AND I CURSED GOD.
284
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:59,868
AND I ASKED HIM
WHY HE DID THIS.
285
00:13:59,934 --> 00:14:02,534
BUT LIKE MY FATHER...
286
00:14:02,601 --> 00:14:05,000
THERE WAS NO ANSWER.
287
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:07,234
ONLY SNOW.
288
00:14:09,734 --> 00:14:11,801
I WAS SO MAD AT GOD.
289
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:15,701
BECAUSE I HAD TRIED SO HARD
TO OBEY ALL HIS LAWS.
290
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:18,300
I SWEAR I THOUGHT MAYBE
MY MOTHER WOULD STILL BE
291
00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:21,500
ALIVE IF I
HADN'T EATEN HAM.
292
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:24,534
I WAS MAD AT MY DAD FOR NOT
TELLING ME ABOUT MY MOM.
293
00:14:24,601 --> 00:14:27,667
AND I WAS ALSO MAD AT MYSELF
BECAUSE I COULD NOT GET
294
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:30,801
THAT DAMN BARRY MANILOW SONG
OUT OF MY HEAD.
295
00:14:30,868 --> 00:14:33,601
TO THIS DAY I WILL
START CRYING LIKE A BABY
296
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:37,467
IF I HEAR BARRY MANILOW
SING, "I WRITE THE SONGS".
297
00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:39,000
A PHENOMENON THAT
HAS ENDED SEVERAL
298
00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:42,133
OF MY ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.
299
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,667
AND IT'S NOT
EVEN A SAD SONG.
300
00:14:44,734 --> 00:14:47,834
IT'S NO
"SEND IN THE CLOWNS".
301
00:14:47,901 --> 00:14:50,734
IT'S NOT EVEN
"MANDY".
302
00:14:50,801 --> 00:14:52,567
WELL...
303
00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:54,968
AFTER MY MOM DIED,
MY DAD HONORED HER
304
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:56,601
THE BEST WAY HE KNEW HOW.
305
00:14:56,667 --> 00:14:59,434
BY ARRANGING THE MILDRED KULLER
MEMORIAL TROT
306
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,334
AT MONTICELLO RACEWAY.
307
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,968
I FELT LIKE
SUCH A WINNER.
308
00:15:07,133 --> 00:15:08,067
ANYWAY...
309
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:09,801
AT 13 MY MOM WAS GONE.
310
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,868
I HAD BROKEN UP WITH GOD.
311
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:14,367
AND MARK WAS AWAY AT
SCHOOL WHICH MEANT MY DAD
312
00:15:14,434 --> 00:15:16,400
WAS IN CHARGE.
313
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,601
AND MY DAD'S FIRST ACT AS
NEW HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD
314
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:23,200
WAS MOVING GLEN AND ME TO
THE HOLY LAND, LAS VEGAS.
315
00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:26,868
GOOD-BYE, "PAYOS",
HELLO, VEGAS.
316
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:30,901
MY ONLY GOOD MEMORY FROM VEGAS
WAS MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION.
317
00:15:30,968 --> 00:15:33,567
I WENT TO A GRADUATION PARTY
WERE I FINALLY GOT TO USE
318
00:15:33,634 --> 00:15:35,400
MY DAD'S MARKED CARDS.
319
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:40,534
IN A GAME OF STRIP POKER.
320
00:15:40,601 --> 00:15:43,367
AFTERWARDS, MY BEST FRIEND,
TODD, AND I WENT OUT DRIVING
321
00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:44,734
SO WE COULD DO BONG HITS.
322
00:15:44,801 --> 00:15:47,634
WHEN POLICE LIGHTS
START FLASHING.
323
00:15:47,701 --> 00:15:49,334
I GUESS THE COP WAS SUSPICIOUS
BECAUSE NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
324
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:53,167
SMOKE TOBACCO OUT OF
A HUGE PLEXI-GLASS WATERPIPE
325
00:15:53,234 --> 00:15:56,734
WHILE THEY'RE
DRIVING.
326
00:15:59,234 --> 00:16:01,033
SO...
327
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,367
TODD THROWS THE POT
OUT THE WINDOW,
328
00:16:02,434 --> 00:16:03,801
SHOVES THE BONG
UNDER THE SEAT,
329
00:16:03,868 --> 00:16:06,200
WHICH THE COP INTERPRETS
IS TODD REACHING FOR A GUN.
330
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:07,934
SO HE PULLS US OVER
WITH HIS GUN DRAWN
331
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,167
AND ASKS TODD
TO OPEN HIS TRUNK.
332
00:16:10,234 --> 00:16:12,901
WHICH TODD DOES EVEN THOUGH
THE REST OF HIS STASH
333
00:16:12,968 --> 00:16:16,300
IS SITTING THERE IN A LONE,
BULKY ATHLETIC SOCK.
334
00:16:17,234 --> 00:16:19,701
AS CONSPICUOUS AS
THE SHRIMP IN MY VOMIT.
335
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:23,534
THE COP SAYS,
"WHAT'S THAT ?"
336
00:16:23,601 --> 00:16:24,934
TODD, ALREADY STONED,
337
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,701
"THAT'S MY TRAVELING SOCK."
338
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,400
SO THE COP TAKES
THE "TRAVELING SOCK"
339
00:16:36,467 --> 00:16:38,801
AND LEAVES US
PLANTED AGAINST THE CAR.
340
00:16:38,868 --> 00:16:40,234
AND THAT'S WHEN
I LET TODD HAVE IT.
341
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:43,467
"HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME ?
342
00:16:43,534 --> 00:16:46,534
"WHAT IS MY DAD GONNA
SAY WHEN THEY CALL HIM ?
343
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:49,901
WHAT THE HELL IS
A TRAVELING SOCK ?"
344
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:52,300
FORGET LOSING
MY VIRGINITY.
345
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:53,868
FORGET MY BAR MITZVAH.
346
00:16:53,934 --> 00:16:56,000
THIS IS THE MOMENT
I REALIZED I WAS A MAN
347
00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:58,534
WHEN TODD LOOKED
AT ME AND SAID,
348
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,934
"CALL YOUR DAD ?
349
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,300
"YOU'RE NOT GONNA
CALL YOUR DAD.
350
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:04,634
"LOOK...
351
00:17:04,701 --> 00:17:06,033
"IF WE'RE ARRESTED THE PAPER
TOMORROW IS GONNA READ,
352
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,434
"TWO 19-YEAR-OLD MEN
WERE ARRESTED
353
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,334
FOR POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA."
354
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,801
"AND YOU KNOW WHAT ?
355
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:13,701
"EVEN IF THEY DID CALL
YOUR DAD, HE'S IN THE MAFIA.
356
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:16,267
I DON'T THINK IT'S
GONNA ROCK HIS WORLD."
357
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,367
TODD WAS RIGHT.
358
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:25,601
I WAS A MAN.
359
00:17:25,667 --> 00:17:27,767
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE AN
OUTLAW LIKE MY FATHER.
360
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:30,033
SO I MOVED TO WASHINGTON D.C.
WHERE I ATTENDED
361
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,868
GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY AND
I MAJORED IN PHILOSOPHY.
362
00:17:33,934 --> 00:17:36,934
BUT IMAGINE MY SURPRISE UPON
GRADUATION WHEN NONE OF
363
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:43,267
THE BIG PHILOSOPHY
COMPANIES WERE HIRING.
364
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:51,367
SO I DID THE ONLY THING I WAS
QUALIFIED TO DO WITH MY DEGREE
365
00:17:51,434 --> 00:17:52,734
IN ETHICS...
366
00:17:52,801 --> 00:17:55,567
I BECAME
A CAR SALESMAN.
367
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:03,934
ONE DAY, I TAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN ON A TEST DRIVE.
368
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,400
AND AFTERWARDS
THE TOP SALESMAN, BOBBY,
369
00:18:08,467 --> 00:18:09,767
COMES OVER TO ME
AND SAYS...
370
00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:12,534
"DID YOU FUCK HER ?"
371
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:15,033
I'M LIKE...
372
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,834
"NO, BOBBY, SHE'S MARRIED.
373
00:18:16,901 --> 00:18:18,467
DIDN'T YOU
SEE HER RING ?"
374
00:18:18,534 --> 00:18:20,434
BOBBY PUT HIS ARM
AROUND ME AND SAYS,
375
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,300
"RINGS DON'T PLUG HOLES."
376
00:18:27,767 --> 00:18:28,734
TIME TO MOVE ON.
377
00:18:28,801 --> 00:18:31,133
"RINGS DON'T PLUG HOLES."
378
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,601
ISN'T THAT ARISTOTLE ?
379
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:38,234
WHAT WAS I DOING
SELLING CARS WITH BOBBY ?
380
00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:39,968
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I
WAS DOING WITH MY LIFE,
381
00:18:40,033 --> 00:18:42,968
SO I DECIDED TO TAKE TIME OFF
AND SPEND TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
382
00:18:43,033 --> 00:18:44,901
FIRST UP WITH MY DAD...
383
00:18:45,434 --> 00:18:49,033
NOW RETIRED IN SOUTH FLORIDA,
HIS SENSE OF YLE INTACT.
384
00:18:51,033 --> 00:18:52,467
MY DAD TAKES ME TO
A COUNTRY CLUB.
385
00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:57,067
WHERE THESE OLD MEN SMOKE CIGARS
AND PLAY CARDS FOR MONEY.
386
00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:59,200
AND I WATCH HIM CIRCLE
AROUND THE CARD TABLE.
387
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:00,601
LOOKING AT
EVERYBODY'S HAND.
388
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,100
SEEING WHAT CARDS
THEY'RE PLAYING.
389
00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:04,234
FINALLY AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE
HOURS, I GET HIM OUTSIDE
390
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,033
AND I SAY, "DAD,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?"
391
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:09,033
I'M BORED OUT OF MY MIND
LET'S GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK."
392
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:12,100
HE SAYS, "I CAN'T,
I GOT A PARTNER AT THE TABLE."
393
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:14,534
"DIDN'T YOU
SEE THE SIGNALS ?
394
00:19:14,601 --> 00:19:15,667
"THIS IS SPADE,
THIS IS HEART,
395
00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:17,300
"THIS IS CLUB,
THIS IS DIAMOND,
396
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:19,367
THIS IS ACE,
TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE."
397
00:19:19,434 --> 00:19:22,434
HE WAS RUNNING
HIS OLD SCAMS.
398
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,934
MY DAD WAS NO HELP.
399
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,934
VISITING GLEN
WAS EVEN WEIRDER.
400
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,100
GLEN HAD MADE
MY DAD VERY PROUD
401
00:19:32,167 --> 00:19:35,000
BY BECOMING THE BIGGEST
BOOKIE ON THE WEST COAST.
402
00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:38,701
PLUS HE WEIGHED OVER
FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS.
403
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,133
AND HIS EGO HAD
GOTTEN JUST AS BIG
404
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,567
WHEN I QUESTIONED
HIS ODDS ON
405
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:44,567
A COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME,
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID ?
406
00:19:44,634 --> 00:19:48,901
"THEY DIDN'T QUESTION VAN GOGH
ON HIS USE OF YELLOW."
407
00:19:54,868 --> 00:19:56,734
WELL, AFTER VISITING
THE FORCES OF EVIL...
408
00:19:56,801 --> 00:19:59,968
IT WAS A RELIEF VISITING
MY BROTHER MARK,
409
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,234
NOW MARRIED WITH
KIDS IN WASHINGTON D.C.
410
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,267
MARK HAD BECOME
A TAX LAWYER
411
00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:08,133
AND HIS LEGISLATIVE COUNSEL
FOR THE IRS.
412
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:11,300
HE WAS IN A UNIQUE POSITION
TO HELP GLEN AND MY DAD WITH
413
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:15,067
THEIR CONSIDERABLE
INCOME TAX ISSUES.
414
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,467
MARK WAS STABLE.
415
00:20:18,534 --> 00:20:19,601
EDUCATED.
416
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:22,000
RESPONSIBLE.
417
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:24,367
AND THAT'S WHEN I
DECIDED TO BECOME A LAWYER.
418
00:20:25,033 --> 00:20:26,601
AT THE TIME I ACTUALLY THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE LESS SLEAZY
419
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:29,033
THAN BEING
A CAR SALESMAN.
420
00:20:30,267 --> 00:20:31,667
SO AFTER GRADUATING
DUKE LAW SCHOOL,
421
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:34,100
I PRACTICED IN
HOUSTON, TEXAS.
422
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:35,634
AND I HATED IT.
423
00:20:35,701 --> 00:20:38,200
MY CO WORKERS WERE
ABSOLUTELY HUMORLESS,
424
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:41,434
WHERE AS I HAD ALWAYS BEEN
THE STRAIGHT MAN IN MY FAMILY.
425
00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:43,133
COMPARED TO OTHER LAWYERS
I WAS FREAKING CARROT TOP.
426
00:20:45,934 --> 00:20:48,267
I WAS SO FRUSTRATED,
427
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,067
I TRIED AN OPEN MIKE
AT A LOCAL COMEDY CLUB.
428
00:20:51,133 --> 00:20:53,934
AND MY FIRST TIME ON STAGE
WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
429
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,901
I TOLD THE YELLOW BRICK JOKE.
430
00:20:55,968 --> 00:20:58,534
THAT JOKE SUCKS !
431
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:02,300
BUT AFTER DOING OPEN MIKE
ONLY FIVE MONTHS
432
00:21:02,367 --> 00:21:04,734
I FOUND MYSELF IN A SHOWCASE
AT THE IMPROV IN LOS ANGELES
433
00:21:04,801 --> 00:21:08,400
AS ONE OF THE NEW
FACES OF TEXAS COMEDY.
434
00:21:08,467 --> 00:21:11,868
I'LL NEVER FORGET
THAT NIGHT.
435
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:13,601
GLEN FLEW MY DAD OUT
FOR THE BIG EVENT AND...
436
00:21:13,667 --> 00:21:18,000
I COULD ACTUALLY HEAR THEM
BOTH LAUGHING IN THE AUDIENCE.
437
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:21,033
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME
I'D EVER MADE THEM LAUGH.
438
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,634
AND AFTERWARDS
MY DAD WAS BEAMING.
439
00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:26,234
IT WAS THE PROUDEST
HE'S EVER BEEN OF ME.
440
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:30,300
WELL, JUST WHEN YOU THINK
YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT,
441
00:21:30,367 --> 00:21:34,701
SOMEONE THROWS A BRICK IN THE
AIR AND IT DOESN'T COME DOWN.
442
00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:37,100
THAT NIGHT AT THE IMPROV
TURNED OUT TO BE THE FIRST
443
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:40,701
AND LAST TIME MY DAD
AND BROTHER SAW ME DO COMEDY.
444
00:21:40,767 --> 00:21:44,067
A FEW MONTHS LATER MY BROTHER,
GLEN, DIED OF A DRUG OVERDOSE.
445
00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:48,367
THE AUTOPSY SAID HIS BODY
HAD TEN TIMES THE LETHAL LIMIT
446
00:21:48,434 --> 00:21:50,467
OF COCAINE.
447
00:21:50,534 --> 00:21:52,601
TEN TIMES.
448
00:21:52,667 --> 00:21:54,534
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HE WAS THINKING.
449
00:21:54,601 --> 00:21:56,200
BUT HE WAS
THINKING IT FAST.
450
00:22:01,367 --> 00:22:03,767
MARK AND I WENT TO THE FUNERAL
PARLOR TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS
451
00:22:03,834 --> 00:22:06,100
MY DAD WAS TOO UPSET.
452
00:22:06,167 --> 00:22:07,601
IT WAS NIGHT,
BITTER COLD
453
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:09,634
AND WE WERE GIVING
EACH OTHER A HUG OUTSIDE
454
00:22:09,701 --> 00:22:11,267
WHEN THE DOOR
FLEW OPEN.
455
00:22:11,334 --> 00:22:13,200
IT WAS THE FUNERAL
DIRECTOR FRANTIC.
456
00:22:13,267 --> 00:22:15,000
"WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WITH YOUR BROTHER !"
457
00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:18,334
YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WITH OUR BROTHER.
458
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,434
WHAT IS HE
STILL ALIVE ?
459
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:24,934
"NO, HE WON'T FIT IN
ANY OF OUR CASKETS.
460
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,100
HE'S TOO BIG
HE'S TOO HEAVY."
461
00:22:27,167 --> 00:22:29,100
AND I REMEMBER THINKING,
462
00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:30,767
HE AIN'T HEAVY.
463
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,934
WE ALMOST HAD GLEN'S
BODY CREMATED.
464
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,267
WE FIGURED THE STREET VALUE
OF HIS ASHES
465
00:22:41,334 --> 00:22:43,100
WOULD BE IN THE MILLIONS.
466
00:22:43,167 --> 00:22:47,267
GLEN WAS BURIED NEXT
TO MY MOTHER IN MONTICELLO
467
00:22:47,334 --> 00:22:49,367
ON THE FIRST DAY
OF CHANUKAH.
468
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:52,701
HAPPY CHANUKAH.
469
00:22:52,767 --> 00:22:54,634
AND PARTLY IN GLEN'S HONOR
AND PARTLY TO ALLEVIATE
470
00:22:54,701 --> 00:22:55,834
OUR OWN PAIN,
471
00:22:55,901 --> 00:22:58,467
MARK AND I GOT
HIGH THAT NIGHT.
472
00:22:58,534 --> 00:23:02,467
AND ALTHOUGH WE ONLY HAD
ENOUGH POT FOR ONE BONG HIT.
473
00:23:02,534 --> 00:23:05,133
THROUGH SOME MIRACLE,
474
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,167
EIGHT NIGHTS
OF BONG HITS.
475
00:23:11,734 --> 00:23:13,234
( applause )
476
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,033
SHORTLY AFTER GLEN'S DEATH,
MY DAD WAS DIAGNOSED WITH
477
00:23:19,100 --> 00:23:20,868
CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE.
478
00:23:20,934 --> 00:23:23,667
I KNOW IT WAS
A BROKEN HEART AND
479
00:23:23,734 --> 00:23:26,601
THE DOCTORS TOLD ME HE
HAD A YEAR TO LIVE.
480
00:23:26,667 --> 00:23:31,334
AND WHEN I TOLD MY DAD
HE SAID, "BET THE OVER."
481
00:23:36,434 --> 00:23:37,834
LIKE MOST OF MY DAD'S
BETTING INSTINCTS,
482
00:23:37,901 --> 00:23:39,367
THAT ONE WAS ALSO WRONG
483
00:23:39,434 --> 00:23:41,033
AND HE DIED
A FEW WEEKS LATER,
484
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:43,367
THE DAY BEFORE
HIS 70TH BIRTHDAY.
485
00:23:43,434 --> 00:23:46,667
BUT AFTER LOSING
BOTH MY PARENTS
486
00:23:46,734 --> 00:23:49,234
I SUDDENLY REALIZED HOW MUCH
487
00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:51,467
I LIVED MY LIFE
TO PLEASE THEM.
488
00:23:51,534 --> 00:23:53,901
TO GAIN THEIR APPROVAL.
489
00:23:56,901 --> 00:23:58,601
AND WITH THEM BOTH GONE,
I LOST ALL MOTIVATION.
490
00:23:58,667 --> 00:24:02,033
I STOPPED WORKING,
I STOPPED DOING COMEDY.
491
00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:06,000
I STOPPED DOING ANYTHING
EXCEPT LIVE IN THE PAST.
492
00:24:08,033 --> 00:24:11,267
AFTER MY MOM DIED, WE FOUND
THIS LETTER IN HER PURSE.
493
00:24:11,334 --> 00:24:13,734
AND SHE HAD WRITTEN IT WHEN
THE DOCTORS TOLD HER
494
00:24:13,801 --> 00:24:15,734
SHE HAD THREE
MONTHS TO LIVE.
495
00:24:15,801 --> 00:24:20,167
SHE ENDED UP CARRYING IT IN
HER PURSE FOR THREE YEARS.
496
00:24:23,601 --> 00:24:25,467
"DEAR MARK, SINCE I
REALIZED THAT ANY DAY
497
00:24:25,534 --> 00:24:28,200
"SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN
I REALLY HOPE NOT.
498
00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:31,567
"I MUST WRITE AND INFORM
YOU OF CERTAIN THINGS.
499
00:24:31,634 --> 00:24:33,634
"DADDY AND I HAVE TWO LIFE
INSURANCE POLICIES.
500
00:24:33,701 --> 00:24:36,801
"DADDY IS MY FIRST BENEFICIARY,
YOU ARE THE SECOND BENEFICIARY.
501
00:24:36,868 --> 00:24:40,500
"I HOPE DADDY USES IT
FOR THE THREE OF YOU,
502
00:24:40,567 --> 00:24:42,167
"DIVIDE IT EVENLY
IN BANK ACCOUNTS.
503
00:24:42,234 --> 00:24:44,234
"SHOULD THE MONEY GO TO YOU
I'M SURE YOUR BROTHERS
504
00:24:44,300 --> 00:24:45,734
"WILL GET THEIR SHARE.
505
00:24:45,801 --> 00:24:48,200
"MARK, DARLING,
YOU'VE MADE ME VERY HAPPY.
506
00:24:48,267 --> 00:24:49,934
"YOU'RE QUITE A SON.
507
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,234
"MUCH MORE THAN
I EVER EXPECTED.
508
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,167
"GLEN WILL TURN OUT ALRIGHT
509
00:24:54,234 --> 00:24:56,033
"WITH DADDY'S AND YOUR
SUPERVISION.
510
00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:58,200
"I PRAY HE TAKES LIFE MORE
SERIOUSLY EVEN THOUGH I WANT
511
00:24:58,267 --> 00:25:00,567
"HIM TO ENJOY EVERY
MINUTE OF IT.
512
00:25:00,634 --> 00:25:02,567
"JASON HAS GIVEN ME
PLEASURE EVERY DAY.
513
00:25:02,634 --> 00:25:04,834
"AND I PRAY HE NEVER CHANGES.
514
00:25:04,901 --> 00:25:07,467
"HE ENJOYS EVERYTHING AND
MAKES THE MOST OF EVERY MINUTE.
515
00:25:07,534 --> 00:25:09,868
"WHAT A WONDERFUL BOY.
516
00:25:09,934 --> 00:25:13,100
"DADDY HAS MADE ME VERY HAPPY
517
00:25:13,167 --> 00:25:15,567
"AND I HOPE I
MADE HIM HAPPY TOO.
518
00:25:15,634 --> 00:25:17,400
"I DO NOT WANT
HIM TO BE ALONE.
519
00:25:17,467 --> 00:25:19,601
"THE LIVING MUST LIVE ON
AND KEEP THE MEMORY
520
00:25:19,667 --> 00:25:21,500
"OF THEIR LOVED ONES
IN THEIR HEARTS.
521
00:25:21,567 --> 00:25:25,133
"REMEMBER, LAUGHTER IS HEARD
FARTHER THAN WEEPING.
522
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,133
"LATELY I'VE BEEN
PRAYING OUT LOUD TO GOD
523
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,701
"AND I FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.
524
00:25:28,767 --> 00:25:30,901
"I WOULD BE RIDING ALONE IN
THE CAR AND I WOULD YELL LOUD
525
00:25:30,968 --> 00:25:33,267
"AND CLEAR, 'DEAR GOD,
PLEASE HELP ME.'
526
00:25:33,334 --> 00:25:35,400
"AND I WOULD FEEL
GOOD AFTER THAT.
527
00:25:35,467 --> 00:25:37,133
"KNOW ONE THING.
528
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:38,734
"NO ONE LIVES FOREVER.
529
00:25:38,801 --> 00:25:41,033
"AND IT'S NOT HOW LONG YOU
LIVED, BUT HOW YOU LIVED IT.
530
00:25:41,100 --> 00:25:42,767
"I'VE BEEN PRETTY LUCKY.
531
00:25:42,834 --> 00:25:45,767
"A GOOD HUSBAND AND
THREE GOOD BOYS.
532
00:25:45,834 --> 00:25:48,801
"STAY CLOSE TO GOD,
HE REALLY HELPS.
533
00:25:48,868 --> 00:25:50,334
"KEEP YOUR HOLIDAYS.
534
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,133
"I'LL ALWAYS
BE WITH YOU.
535
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,567
LOVE FOREVER, MOMMY."
536
00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:00,667
I DON'T THINK I COULD
HAVE MADE IT THROUGH
537
00:26:00,734 --> 00:26:04,300
GLEN'S AND MY DAD'S DEATHS
WITHOUT MY MOM'S LETTER.
538
00:26:04,367 --> 00:26:06,601
WITH HER VOICE IN MY HEAD
539
00:26:06,667 --> 00:26:09,100
REMINDING ME OF HER
STRENGTH AND HER LOVE.
540
00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:10,500
AND HER FAITH.
541
00:26:10,567 --> 00:26:13,334
AND I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE
MADE IT THIS FAR WITHOUT
542
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:14,767
MY DAD'S SENSE OF HUMOR,
543
00:26:14,834 --> 00:26:17,467
NO MATTER HOW
TOUGH THINGS SEEM,
544
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,601
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR
SENSE OF HUMOR.
545
00:26:21,300 --> 00:26:23,667
I'M STILL WORKING ON
PATCHING THINGS UP WITH GOD.
546
00:26:23,734 --> 00:26:27,868
BUT THERE'S ONE COMMAND
I GUESS I'VE ALWAYS FOLLOWED.
547
00:26:27,934 --> 00:26:30,934
HONOR YOUR
MOTHER AND FATHER,
548
00:26:33,434 --> 00:26:36,534
WHICH IN MY CASE SEEMED LIKE
SUCH A CONTRADICTION.
549
00:26:36,601 --> 00:26:39,167
I ENDED UP QUITTING LAW
AND MOVING TO L.A.
550
00:26:39,234 --> 00:26:40,667
TO PURSUE MY DREAM,
551
00:26:40,734 --> 00:26:43,300
PROFESSIONAL HOCKEY.
552
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,634
BUT UNTIL MY TRY-OUT
WITH THE KINGS,
553
00:26:49,701 --> 00:26:53,100
I THINK I'LL
STICK WITH COMEDY.
554
00:26:53,167 --> 00:26:55,100
SPEAKING OF WHICH THE LAST
JOKE I CAN REMEMBER MY DAD
555
00:26:55,167 --> 00:26:57,667
TELLING WHICH IS NOT TO SAY
IT WAS THE LAST JOKE HE TOLD
556
00:26:57,734 --> 00:26:59,834
OR THAT HE TOLD IT TO ME
FROM HIS DEATH BED.
557
00:26:59,901 --> 00:27:02,334
"SON, ONE LAST JOKE
BEFORE I GO."
558
00:27:03,934 --> 00:27:07,167
BUT IT'S THE LAST JOKE I COULD
REMEMBER BECAUSE IT WAS THE WEEK
559
00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:09,033
AFTER MY MOM DIED.
560
00:27:09,100 --> 00:27:11,033
IT'S FUNNY,
BUT WHEN I WAS 12,
561
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:12,968
MY MOM'S LETTER GAVE
ME VERY LITTLE COMFORT.
562
00:27:13,033 --> 00:27:16,033
INSTEAD THE ONLY THING THAT
CHEERED ME UP WAS ANOTHER
563
00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:19,000
OF MY DAD'S
STUPID JOKES.
564
00:27:19,067 --> 00:27:21,067
BUT THIS ONE
I FINALLY GOT.
565
00:27:21,133 --> 00:27:24,100
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
566
00:27:25,601 --> 00:27:28,267
A MAN AND WOMAN ARE SEATED NEXT
TO EACH OTHER ON A PLANE.
567
00:27:28,334 --> 00:27:31,567
THE MAN IS SMOKING CIGARS,
THE WOMAN HAS A PET PARROT.
568
00:27:31,634 --> 00:27:33,868
AIRLINE POLICY HAS
CHANGED CONSIDERABLY
569
00:27:33,934 --> 00:27:36,634
SINCE MY DAD
TOLD THIS JOKE.
570
00:27:36,701 --> 00:27:39,834
AFTER AWHILE THE PARROT
STARTS SQUAWKING BECAUSE
571
00:27:39,901 --> 00:27:42,534
OF THE CIGAR SMOKE WHICH BOTHERS
THE MAN WHO'S TRYING TO GET
572
00:27:42,601 --> 00:27:43,701
HIS WORK DONE.
573
00:27:43,767 --> 00:27:44,901
SO THEY START FIGHTING.
574
00:27:44,968 --> 00:27:46,000
"SHUT THAT STUPID BIRD UP."
575
00:27:46,067 --> 00:27:47,267
"PUT OUT YOUR CIGAR."
576
00:27:47,334 --> 00:27:48,701
SO A STEWARDESS COMES OVER.
577
00:27:48,767 --> 00:27:50,934
THIS WAS PRE-FLIGHT
ATTENDANT, REMEMBER.
578
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,734
AND THE STEWARDESS TAKES
THE MAN'S CIGAR,
579
00:27:53,801 --> 00:27:56,467
TAKES THE WOMAN'S PARROT AND
THROWS THEM OFF THE PLANE.
580
00:27:56,534 --> 00:28:00,200
THE MAN CONTINUES WORKING,
BUT THE WOMAN IS DISTRAUGHT
581
00:28:00,267 --> 00:28:03,634
UNTIL SHE LOOKS OUT HER WINDOW
AND SEES HER PET PARROT
582
00:28:03,701 --> 00:28:07,701
FLYING RIGHT ALONGSIDE
THE PLANE.
583
00:28:09,534 --> 00:28:12,400
SHE IS SHOCKED BY WHAT
IT HAS IN ITS MOUTH.
584
00:28:13,634 --> 00:28:15,534
THAT'S RIGHT,
THE YELLOW BRICK.
585
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:26,100
Captions Copyright 1999
HOME BOX OFFICE
586
00:28:26,167 --> 00:28:30,567
A Division of TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
587
00:28:31,567 --> 00:28:36,067
Captioned by
HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER