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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience cheering, whistling]

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[emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

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[cheering and applause]

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All right, thank you!

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Thank you very much.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you.
How are ya?

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How's it goin'? All right.

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You guys standin' up, sit down.

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Sit down.

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See if I'm funny.

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I've been inside for a year
and a half just like you.

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All right. It's nice to be
out here in Denver, man.

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[cheering]

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[chuckles]

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It's legal on a state level,
but not on a federal level, man.

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Everybody out here dressing
like they're fuckin' goin' hiking.

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[chuckles]

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Your North Face pajamas
and all this shit you guys have.

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You guys all live inside.

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So,

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how have you guys been doin', man?

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How has your pandemic been?
You enjoyed it?

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You been staying inside?

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Are you being safe?

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[man] No!

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I am so fed up with people--

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"I ain't bein' safe!
I don't fuckin' believe in it!"

30
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"It's all a bunch of lies!"

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We're just totally divided.

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The people that are like,
"You gotta get vaccinated."

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"You have to wrap yourself in an afghan,

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and you gotta cover your face
and hold your breath

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when you look at pictures of people."

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And you got the other side,
"I don't give a shit!"

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"I'm gonna have my balls out,
walkin' down the street,

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'cause that's
what Jesus said in John 13."

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"I read it in my bible study class.
I don't give a fuck."

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"And if I get it,
I'm goin' to the hospital and be like,

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'All right, fix me, you were right.'"

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Everybody, all hypocritical.

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All the liberals, "You gotta wear
the mask, gotta wear the mask."

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Then half of them when they talk,
they're pullin' it down.

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They got it up under their fuckin' nose.

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Then the other assholes,
they were all patriotic for years.

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"America, love it or leave it!"

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"Support the troops!"

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"You don't like it, get the fuck out."

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"America, love it or leave it."
All right, take the vaccine.

51
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"Well, I don't trust the government."

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Where the fuck did that come from?

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I thought you were all about it.

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I thought you were waving the flag
and all of that shit.

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Listen, here's the deal.

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We're never gonna solve this shit
until we all get on the same page,

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which we know is never gonna happen,
it's never gonna happen.

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So, we gotta set up
some Hunger Games shit to solve it.

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And whoever wins, wins.

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It's the non-vaxxers versus the vaxxers.

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So there's a giant field,

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and all the people
who don't want to get the vaccine,

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all the fatties
and the fuckin' lunatics, right?

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You gotta fuckin' run
the length of the field

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and try to make it to the other side

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while there's a helicopter flying over you

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and they're shooting the vaccine
down at you.

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All right?

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And I know what you're thinkin',
"Well, that ain't fair, man."

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"I'm runnin' in my shit-kickers,
you're up there in a helicopter

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and you got a gun."

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Well, here's how we--
it's a liberal with a gun, right?

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They're not good at that.

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Say, "Oh, my God, is it alive?
Is it gonna hit me?"

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"I don't feel safe!"

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And by then, you're already halfway there.

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One of the straps of your overalls is off.

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If you make it to the other side,
in the end,

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just like dodgeball, we'll just score it.

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"Who won?"

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It's an idea, I don't know.

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I just…

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I don't know what else to do.
I've kind of quit.

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I'm like… I've got to be honest with you.

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For the first like, you know,
year of this shit,

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I was an American, you know,
and I was rootin' for everybody,

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and then, I don't know.

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They let us outside for a couple of weeks
and then they sent us back in,

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and I just didn't have it in me anymore.

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It's like, "I don't care.
I just don't give a shit."

91
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"You know, I hope
a lot more people die, I really do."

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But the one good thing
about this whole pandemic shit,

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and I really hope by the time
this fuckin' thing comes out

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that this will be considered old,
I don't know, God willing,

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but the one great thing
about this pandemic shit

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is it kind of slowed down
a little bit of that cancel culture.

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You know what I mean?

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Yeah. It's kind of hard to take
your dick out at work when you're at home.

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You know?

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Some people still manage to do it.

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They're on a Zoom call, no pants on.

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All of the sudden, standing up,
their chunk right in the screen.

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Still figured out a way to get fired.

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It was unreal.

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It's kind of good, though,
that those creeps got to take a break,

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'cause I felt like cancel culture,

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they were kind of running out
of people to cancel.

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You know?

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As much as they wanted to make it seem,
there really was a finite amount of people

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that took their dick out at work.

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Despite the stats, right?

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"Every 1.6 seconds,
somebody takes their dick out

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and shakes it in a woman's face
in a cubicle."

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You're like, "What? Every 1.6 seconds?"

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I must not have been paying attention.

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"Every 3.2 seconds,

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some man jizzes on a fern
and rubs it in a woman's face."

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Holy shit! I didn't know that.

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Right? Yeah.

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So fortunately they rounded up
all of these fuckin' animals…

121
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and they got rid of them, right?

122
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But it kind of became
like this cottage industry

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and it was a way
to kind of get rid of some men

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that maybe were in your way, you know?

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It's like anything.

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You know, the initial thing,
you agree with it,

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and then it kind of gets out of control.

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So, I don't know.

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But it kind of ran out of people
and there was this hilarious moment,

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like last year where they started
to try and cancel dead people.

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Remember that? All of the sudden,
out of nowhere, John Wayne was trending.

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Have they got some found footage,

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a new movie coming out
that maybe they shelved?

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Then all of the sudden it was all these
stupid-ass "woke" white people, right?

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"Oh, my God, did you see
what John Wayne said

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in Playboy in 1971?"

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Can you-- this is a bunch
of fuckin' white people

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all up in arms about a dead white guy.

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"I can no longer tolerate this."

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"I can no longer tolerate
dead-for-45-years John Wayne

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saying things in a magazine
that doesn't exist anymore."

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"I am here for Black people."

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These fuckin' idiots.

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What kind of a fuckin' idiot white person
refers to themselves as "woke"?

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You know?

146
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If you actually were socially conscious,

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you'd realize that white people
stole that word from Black people.

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Once again doin' the Elvis thing. Right?

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But you know what,
I blame Black people for that.

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One of them fucked up.

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They were at a party,
there was white people there,

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and they let it slip out.

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"Stay woke"
or however the fuck you say it.

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And some white person heard it,
like, "Ah, what was that?"

155
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"Oh, my God."

156
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"'Stay woke'? I wanna say that."

157
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"I gotta say that around my white friends
so they know that I'm down."

158
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"Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuckin' say that."

159
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"I'm fuckin' woke. I'm fuckin' woke."

160
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"I'm a woke stickler."

161
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"I've fuckin' had it, I've had it."

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"I support Black people
in my white apartment on Twitter."

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"That's what I do.
I'm fuckin' here for you."

164
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Every white person
likes to lie to themselves

165
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that if they were alive 150 years ago,

166
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that they would have been working
on the underground railroad,

167
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trying to help slaves escape, right?

168
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:20,310
"I would be one
of the good white people, yes."

169
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"I would have taken time
out of my day, risked my life."

170
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And the reality is,
is you'd be doing back then

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exactly what
you're doing today-- nothin'.

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Not a fuckin' thing.

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Maybe a little #BlackLivesMatter.

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"Oh, my God, my heart breaks
on my L-shaped couch."

175
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My favorite thing
about the Black Lives Matter marches

176
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was the store windows that would have
the plywood over the windows,

177
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and then it would say,
"Black lives matter"

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on top of the plywood.

179
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I just loved the duality
of that message, you know?

180
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:07,649
It's like, "Black lives matter,
we're all the same, we're all one."

181
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,776
"Don't burn down my store,
you fuckin' animals!"

182
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:13,488
"Everybody is welcome in this store."

183
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:14,615
"Anyone can come in."

184
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"One at a time, follow him!"

185
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"It's just a safe space for everyone."

186
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Yeah.

187
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,586
John Wayne was born in 1907.

188
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That's what the fuck
he's gonna sound like.

189
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Then you got all these douchebags
going like, "That's not an excuse."

190
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,885
It's like, "Yes, it is."

191
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,887
It absolutely is.

192
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,973
You are of your time.

193
00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,099
Look at these young kids.

194
00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:43,685
Remember, for a year and a half,
they'd take a water bottle.

195
00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:46,480
They're all standing around
and one kid would flip it,

196
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,607
and if it landed upright, they'd go…

197
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,275
[screaming]

198
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:55,072
"Oh, shit!" And they'd just
lose their fuckin' minds.

199
00:10:57,699 --> 00:10:59,076
I didn't understand it.

200
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:02,120
But I'm born in 1968, so I'm just like,

201
00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:05,040
"All right, well, no one tried
to slap it out of the way."

202
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,668
"You do it enough times,
it's gonna fuckin' land upright."

203
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:09,253
"What is happening here?" Right?

204
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,672
I don't wanna ruin their good time.

205
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:15,175
They're excited, they're gonna
get on their scooters and ride off.

206
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,388
Like a little posse or some shit.
I'm like, all right, you can do that.

207
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,725
Yeah. So that was like a thing
for like half a second.

208
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:28,897
Sean Connery died.
The great Sean Connery.

209
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:31,149
Yeah, my favorite James Bond of all time.

210
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:35,279
Yeah. And he was getting a proper send-off

211
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,239
for about eight minutes on Twitter,

212
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:40,951
and then the first hairy-leg white chick
shows up, right?

213
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:46,790
And she's just gotta be like,
"Really? Really?"

214
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:53,589
"Are we really gonna celebrate this man
who advocated the hitting of women?"

215
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,259
It's like, first of all, he didn't
advocate hitting women, okay?

216
00:11:57,342 --> 00:12:00,429
[as Connery] He just, "Every once
in a while, you give 'em a little slap."

217
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,433
"Yeah, give 'em a little back of the hand,

218
00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,894
ya remind 'em
who's making the bucks off this shit."

219
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:10,314
"Reset their hard drive."

220
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:15,694
That's all he said, okay?

221
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:19,781
Yes, it's a crazy statement in 2021.

222
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:24,411
1976, you know, it's not good,
but it's not crazy.

223
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,579
Right?

224
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,582
And he's born in 1930.

225
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:32,544
You gotta put this shit
in historical perspective.

226
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:37,174
I love old movies. You ever watch movies
from the '30s, '40s, and '50s?

227
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,217
Yeah.

228
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,637
Any time a woman
even has heightened emotion,

229
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,181
there's some guy like,
"Get ahold of yourself!"

230
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:48,477
"Yeah, go make me a pie.
Put it on the windowsill."

231
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:49,478
Right?

232
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:51,939
That's what he grew up watchin'.

233
00:12:58,612 --> 00:12:59,821
I grew up in the '70s.

234
00:12:59,905 --> 00:13:02,449
I thought being a truck driver
was a cool thing.

235
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,535
You know, you had a monkey for a friend.

236
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,204
Going around,
chicks are showin' their titties.

237
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:11,333
I thought that that was the world.
I had no idea, that's what I was watching.

238
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:17,256
My thing is, okay, so if you're gonna
cancel all of these fuckin' dead guys

239
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:20,968
and shit all over them after they're dead
and they can't defend themselves,

240
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:23,512
why are you only going after men?

241
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:26,723
You know, what about
all the horrible women in history?

242
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:30,102
You can't just go after the men,
that would be sexist,

243
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,563
and this is what they don't want.

244
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,816
You know? I mean, what about Coco Chanel?

245
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:39,570
Great example. Coco Chanel.

246
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:42,573
Widely considered a feminist icon.

247
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,450
She started her own purse factory, right,

248
00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:47,870
in the 19-teens or '20s,
whatever the hell she did.

249
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:52,165
I can't imagine the sexism
that she had to deal with, you know.

250
00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:57,296
An amazing accomplishment,
hats off to her, right?

251
00:13:58,088 --> 00:13:59,131
However,

252
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,677
she was also a Nazi sympathizer.

253
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:08,682
Yeah. That's like half
her fucking Wikipedia page,

254
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:12,477
just sitting there,
waiting for someone to read it.

255
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,939
Right out in the open, nothin'.

256
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,650
So evidently, what happened was,
in World War II,

257
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:21,528
old Adolf came rolling into town, okay,

258
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,989
with his tanks
with the Porsche engines in 'em,

259
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:27,117
took over the town in like 90 minutes.

260
00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:28,327
She freaked out.

261
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,662
She closes up her shop, right?

262
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:33,749
Figured out where all the head Nazis
were staying, what hotel.

263
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:37,085
She moved in there
and she started a relationship

264
00:14:37,169 --> 00:14:38,962
with one of the Nazis.

265
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:40,088
Yeah.

266
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:43,675
She started fucking a Nazi.

267
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:50,933
You ever see those Holocaust videos?

268
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,976
Huh? With those piles of kids' shoes?

269
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,062
Yeah.

270
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:58,815
She was sucking the dick that did that.

271
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,361
Now, just to refresh my memory,

272
00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:05,781
what did Sean Connery do again?

273
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,495
"Oh, you know, every once in a while,
you give 'em a little slap."

274
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:13,372
That's what he did.

275
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:16,333
She's sittin' there like,
"Hey, Adolf, what's goin' on?"

276
00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:26,134
She so sold out her own country,
she had to flee it at the end of the war,

277
00:15:26,218 --> 00:15:30,639
and I have no idea how many dicks
she had to suck to get back in it.

278
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,560
But despite all of that,
I still don't judge her.

279
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:38,772
I don't, 'cause I've never been
in that situation.

280
00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,900
You know, I've never been in a country
where all of the sudden,

281
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:45,028
the most powerful army
the world has ever seen comes in

282
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,947
and takes it over in a couple of hours.

283
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,283
She must have been terrified, right?

284
00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:51,410
And she's a woman. You know?

285
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:52,619
She's into fashion.

286
00:15:52,703 --> 00:15:55,581
They show up
with those Hugo Boss uniforms.

287
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:57,583
You know, her knees buckle a little bit.

288
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:03,589
Things start getting ugly,
people are getting shot in the street.

289
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:04,840
She's freakin' out.

290
00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:06,466
You know.

291
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:10,012
And she's a woman,
and women know push comes to shove

292
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,139
when you get your back against the wall.

293
00:16:12,222 --> 00:16:16,059
No matter how bad it gets,
they always have the option

294
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,104
of fucking their way out of a situation.

295
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:23,317
They always got that card
they can play. Right?

296
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,110
All women know this.

297
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:26,820
Women, all women know this.

298
00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:29,114
Men don't realize this
till they go to prison.

299
00:16:29,198 --> 00:16:32,242
But women learn this early on.

300
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,415
She had the option and she took it.

301
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,959
I can't get mad at her for that, you know?

302
00:16:42,461 --> 00:16:44,963
So she's dead and gone.
I think she's up there in heaven.

303
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:48,258
I think she made it.
She's up there with Sean Connery.

304
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,302
Every once in a while,
they have a disagreement,

305
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,596
he gives her a little slap, you know?

306
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,680
She doesn't care.

307
00:16:53,764 --> 00:16:55,390
Once you shit on a Nazi's chest,

308
00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:57,768
a little backhand's
not gonna freak you out.

309
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,480
Jesus can't say anything,
he got a hooker, right?

310
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,815
Everybody's got
a little something they did.

311
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,783
Well, there you go, boom.

312
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:16,912
Still buy your Coco Chanel.
She's still a hero.

313
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:21,542
She was a victim,
she was a victim of that time.

314
00:17:22,793 --> 00:17:27,214
She was frightened, she was scared.
She didn't know what to do.

315
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,511
Uh… anyway.

316
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,889
So, we're living in a fucking weird time.

317
00:17:35,973 --> 00:17:39,268
Obviously, beyond all the bullshit
that's going on now, like,

318
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:43,522
every time I think feminism
has kind of like died off, you know,

319
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:45,816
you know, like a band you can't stand

320
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,569
and they haven't put out an album
in a few years,

321
00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:51,530
you're like, "Oh, good, did they quit,
did they break up?"

322
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,532
All of the sudden,
they come out with more shit.

323
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,951
You're like, "Fuck, what is it now?"

324
00:17:59,705 --> 00:18:03,083
I'm just fucking with you.
Feminism doesn't bug me, you know?

325
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,167
It doesn't bother me.

326
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,211
I'm not afraid of it
or anything like that,

327
00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:09,882
you know, for the simple fact
that I know it's gonna fail, you know?

328
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:13,302
And I take comfort in that, I do.

329
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:15,470
I'm not rooting for it because…

330
00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,349
I know it doesn't like me.

331
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,476
Um…

332
00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:25,814
Yeah, do you know why I think
it's not going to survive,

333
00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:27,733
why it's not going to be
successful anyway?

334
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:31,069
'Cause they still need men's help
to make it happen.

335
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,362
I don't understand it.

336
00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:35,532
I don't understand why women
just can't work with each other

337
00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:36,909
and make this shit happen.

338
00:18:36,992 --> 00:18:38,327
They keep coming to us, like,

339
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:41,246
"More men need to care about this issue."

340
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:45,209
"Where are the men to stand up
and say something…

341
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,169
yak-yak-yak."

342
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,088
Why do I have to fuckin' say something?

343
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,551
This is your fuckin' problem.

344
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,014
Why are you always
dragging us into this shit?

345
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:03,602
I saw a woman a couple months back,
professional soccer player, right?

346
00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:06,605
She goes onto ESPN
on one of these sports channels

347
00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:10,067
and she starts bitching, going like,

348
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,945
"I don't understand,
how come female athletes

349
00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:15,948
don't make as much
as male professional athletes?"

350
00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:18,909
Right? And all of these men
had to sit there

351
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:22,079
and act like they didn't know
what the answer was.

352
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,791
They had to sit there, like, dumbfounded.

353
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:28,001
Like, "Oh, I don't know."

354
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:30,504
"Why is that?"

355
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:36,969
"That is a conundrum. I have no idea."

356
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:42,599
Literally, I'm sitting at home
screaming at the TV,

357
00:19:42,683 --> 00:19:45,018
"'Cause you don't sell
any fuckin' tickets!"

358
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:48,730
Nobody is going to women's soccer games.

359
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:53,277
You're playing in a 20,000-seat arena,
1,500 people show up.

360
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,736
That's not a good night.

361
00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:59,825
The promoter lost
his fucking ass on that gig.

362
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:05,706
I'm not saying
no professional female athletes--

363
00:20:05,789 --> 00:20:09,042
Serena Williams,
the women in the UFC, you know?

364
00:20:09,126 --> 00:20:11,336
But nobody's watching your fuckin' sport.

365
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:14,381
And then you're gonna come
and you're gonna get mad at fuckin' men.

366
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:17,426
They keep doing that shit.
Why are you yelling at us?

367
00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,553
It's not our fucking job.

368
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:25,267
It's not my fuckin' job to give a fuck
about women's soccer, okay?

369
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,478
I have men's sport to pay attention to.

370
00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:31,857
This is-- it's your bullshit, right?

371
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:34,818
Dude, look at the WNBA.

372
00:20:36,028 --> 00:20:38,363
Dude, nobody in the WNBA got COVID.

373
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:40,741
Nobody.

374
00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:45,662
They have been playing
in front of 300 to 400 people a night

375
00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:48,207
for a quarter of a century.

376
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:52,336
Not to mention
it's a male-subsidized league.

377
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,047
We gave ya a fuckin' league.

378
00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:57,174
None of ya showed up.

379
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,384
Where are all the feminists?

380
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:02,596
That place should be packed
with feminists.

381
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:06,517
Faces painted, wearing jerseys,
flashin' their titties.

382
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:11,688
Goin' fuckin' nuts, like the guys do
in the upper deck

383
00:21:11,772 --> 00:21:13,106
with their big beer titties.

384
00:21:14,483 --> 00:21:17,486
"Am I on the jumbotron? Am I doing it?"

385
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:22,366
Yeah.

386
00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:25,327
You didn't.

387
00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:30,499
None of you, none of you
went to the fuckin' games.

388
00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:35,712
None of you.
You all, you failed them, not me.

389
00:21:35,796 --> 00:21:39,299
Not men.
Women failed the WNBA.

390
00:21:39,383 --> 00:21:44,096
Ladies, ladies, name your top five
all-time WNBA players of all time.

391
00:21:44,179 --> 00:21:45,180
Come on.

392
00:21:46,932 --> 00:21:49,268
Let's hear it. Name five WNBA teams.

393
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:53,230
Name the WNBA team in your fuckin' city.
You can't do it!

394
00:21:54,940 --> 00:22:00,279
You don't give a fuck about them.

395
00:22:01,029 --> 00:22:03,323
They play night in and night out
in front of nobody.

396
00:22:03,407 --> 00:22:05,701
It's a fuckin' tragedy, right?

397
00:22:08,829 --> 00:22:13,000
And then meanwhile,
you look at the Kardashians,

398
00:22:14,042 --> 00:22:15,752
they're making billions.

399
00:22:15,836 --> 00:22:17,796
You look at those Real Housewives shows,

400
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,758
they're making money hand over fist
'cause that's what women are watchin'.

401
00:22:21,842 --> 00:22:23,468
The money listens.

402
00:22:23,552 --> 00:22:25,804
You don't wanna watch this shit,
you're watching this shit.

403
00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:30,976
They just shoot it over there,
drowning these whores in money

404
00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:34,229
and purses and shoes and Botox.

405
00:22:34,313 --> 00:22:35,731
It's just raining.

406
00:22:37,107 --> 00:22:38,692
It's raining money.

407
00:22:39,902 --> 00:22:42,613
Yeah. So, the money listens.

408
00:22:42,696 --> 00:22:45,115
You'd rather watch that shit,
Real Housewives,

409
00:22:45,199 --> 00:22:47,242
a bunch of women
just tearing each other down.

410
00:22:47,326 --> 00:22:49,578
"Well, maybe that's why
your husband left you."

411
00:22:49,661 --> 00:22:53,290
"Maybe that's why your husband left.
That's why you can't have kids, bitch!"

412
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:57,628
"That's why your ass is as flat
as your titties, bitch." Right?

413
00:22:58,503 --> 00:22:59,713
That's the message you sent.

414
00:22:59,796 --> 00:23:01,965
"We would rather watch that
than see a bunch of women

415
00:23:02,049 --> 00:23:05,594
come together as a team
and try to achieve a common goal."

416
00:23:05,677 --> 00:23:08,430
"We would rather watch them
actually fucking destroy each other."

417
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,599
Yeah.

418
00:23:11,642 --> 00:23:12,518
No, no, no.

419
00:23:12,601 --> 00:23:17,689
And then in the end, you come back
and you fuckin' yell at guys.

420
00:23:17,773 --> 00:23:20,776
And it's like, let me get this straight,
I have to buy you a drink,

421
00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:24,905
stop the axe murderer
from coming through the fuckin' window,

422
00:23:24,988 --> 00:23:27,491
and I have to watch WNBA games for you?

423
00:23:28,075 --> 00:23:31,119
Like, when are you gonna pick up
your end of the couch?

424
00:23:34,873 --> 00:23:36,208
Yeah.

425
00:23:36,291 --> 00:23:40,671
I don't have any sympathy for women
when it comes to shit like that

426
00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:45,843
because every study they've ever done
to determine who's smarter,

427
00:23:45,926 --> 00:23:46,927
men or women,

428
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:50,264
every study comes back and says
women are smarter.

429
00:23:50,347 --> 00:23:52,182
Every fuckin' one.

430
00:23:52,266 --> 00:23:54,726
Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that.

431
00:23:55,811 --> 00:23:57,771
You know I'm an asshole.

432
00:23:57,855 --> 00:24:00,148
You know this isn't gonna end well.

433
00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:04,611
"Did he say I'm pretty?"

434
00:24:05,529 --> 00:24:06,613
"Oh, my God."

435
00:24:06,697 --> 00:24:08,782
Get out of the relationship.

436
00:24:13,662 --> 00:24:17,583
If every study says
that you're smarter, okay,

437
00:24:17,666 --> 00:24:19,293
the question
you should be asking yourself,

438
00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:23,171
if we're so goddamn smart,
how are we in the situation we're in?

439
00:24:27,676 --> 00:24:28,760
Well?

440
00:24:33,265 --> 00:24:36,727
You're in the situation you're in
not because of guys like me.

441
00:24:36,810 --> 00:24:39,396
As much as you want to blame me, you know?

442
00:24:39,479 --> 00:24:42,691
Ladies, you never drove by
a sports bar on a football Sunday

443
00:24:42,774 --> 00:24:44,610
and looked at the humanity in there?

444
00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:48,155
All those dumb guys
with their big beer bellies bumpin' shit.

445
00:24:48,238 --> 00:24:50,908
"Hey, he's on my fantasy team!"

446
00:24:50,991 --> 00:24:52,826
"Up top, yeah!"

447
00:24:52,910 --> 00:24:55,329
"You wanna get
some more mozzarella sticks?"

448
00:24:57,706 --> 00:25:00,918
As a woman with your bigger brain,
you never looked in there

449
00:25:01,001 --> 00:25:04,129
and thought to yourself,
"I'm fuckin' losin' to that?"

450
00:25:04,213 --> 00:25:06,173
"I'm losin' to that?"

451
00:25:10,636 --> 00:25:12,638
Yeah, there's nothing stopping you.

452
00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:16,642
Other than the fact that you guys
are just into destroying each other.

453
00:25:18,685 --> 00:25:20,312
Oh, now it's gonna get quiet?

454
00:25:22,397 --> 00:25:24,900
I see all that sneaky shit you do.

455
00:25:24,983 --> 00:25:27,778
Ladies, if you could just
support the WNBA

456
00:25:27,861 --> 00:25:31,073
the way you support
a fat chick that's proud of her body

457
00:25:31,156 --> 00:25:34,409
and is no longer a threat to you,
you know?

458
00:25:34,493 --> 00:25:37,246
That league would be doing
better numbers than the NBA.

459
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:43,919
Oh, my God, that's one
of the saddest things I've ever seen.

460
00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:46,713
"Oh, my God, you're a goddess,
you're gorgeous."

461
00:25:46,797 --> 00:25:48,173
"You look great in that bikini."

462
00:25:48,257 --> 00:25:50,092
"I would kill myself
if I looked like that."

463
00:25:50,175 --> 00:25:51,927
"Keep eating, keep eating."

464
00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:55,180
"Lose a toe, you fat bitch."

465
00:25:55,264 --> 00:25:56,598
It's just…

466
00:25:58,225 --> 00:26:01,270
You saw an alcoholic, would you be like,
"Oh, my God, look at you."

467
00:26:01,353 --> 00:26:04,523
"You're facedown, passed out,
your kids are crying."

468
00:26:04,606 --> 00:26:07,276
"You're a hero, you're a god."

469
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:09,111
"Keep doing what you're doing."

470
00:26:10,362 --> 00:26:12,990
You'd be like,
"Dude, get your fuckin' shit together."

471
00:26:13,073 --> 00:26:14,700
"Get off the sauce."

472
00:26:18,787 --> 00:26:21,832
I will say that's one of the most
genius things I've ever seen,

473
00:26:22,916 --> 00:26:27,004
how regular-looking women
somehow mind-fucked advertising

474
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,631
to get beautiful women off of billboards.

475
00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:35,971
Yeah. Just regular fuckin'
who-gives-a-shit-lookin' women, right?

476
00:26:36,054 --> 00:26:37,055
I'm just being honest.

477
00:26:37,139 --> 00:26:39,725
Come on, we're outside,
we're in the woods, we can be honest.

478
00:26:45,856 --> 00:26:49,443
Just regular who-gives-a-fuck…

479
00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:53,530
can't-remember-her-name-looking women.

480
00:26:53,614 --> 00:26:54,489
Right?

481
00:26:55,115 --> 00:26:58,410
Lookin' at these goddesses
and they had to fuckin' be…

482
00:26:58,493 --> 00:27:01,121
"How am I supposed to compete with that?"

483
00:27:01,205 --> 00:27:02,289
You can't!

484
00:27:03,081 --> 00:27:05,584
How fucking arrogant are you?

485
00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:10,756
I don't see Brad Pitt
when he takes his shirt off in a movie

486
00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:13,884
and, "Oh, great, how am I
supposed to compete with that?"

487
00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:15,302
I can't.

488
00:27:15,385 --> 00:27:18,055
I am an ugly, bald, orange man.

489
00:27:18,138 --> 00:27:19,890
I need to write jokes.

490
00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:22,434
I gotta put a lampshade on my head.

491
00:27:22,518 --> 00:27:25,354
I know what my role is, okay?

492
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:30,025
I should be on the ground gazing up
at people better-looking than me.

493
00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:36,657
I don't know, ladies, this is supposed
to be like an inspirational talk.

494
00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,784
I don't know
if it's coming through this way.

495
00:27:38,867 --> 00:27:40,911
I'm trying to say, if you really like…

496
00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:45,999
If you get through
all the misdirected anger of my childhood…

497
00:27:48,544 --> 00:27:51,296
I'm trying to say,
you're smarter than we are

498
00:27:52,506 --> 00:27:53,966
and there's more of you.

499
00:27:56,969 --> 00:27:57,970
I don't know.

500
00:28:00,848 --> 00:28:03,600
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm trying to be-- I don't know.

501
00:28:03,684 --> 00:28:08,564
Trying to be a better person
during all of this shit, you know? I am.

502
00:28:08,647 --> 00:28:12,276
You know, I got this new thing, man.
I try to help out homeless people.

503
00:28:13,318 --> 00:28:16,238
You know? Sometimes I help them out,
sometimes I don't.

504
00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:20,325
You know, it's like the mood you're in,
how much they freak you out.

505
00:28:20,409 --> 00:28:21,869
You know?

506
00:28:21,952 --> 00:28:23,745
So, this is what I do.

507
00:28:24,955 --> 00:28:26,415
You got to do something

508
00:28:26,498 --> 00:28:29,084
because people at the top
don't seem to be doing anything.

509
00:28:29,167 --> 00:28:33,171
I try to bring all my old clothes down
to the tent cities to give it to them.

510
00:28:33,255 --> 00:28:36,008
It's a good thing to do,
but I gotta tell you something,

511
00:28:36,091 --> 00:28:37,551
you gotta do it during the day.

512
00:28:38,177 --> 00:28:41,305
All right? You want to do it
during the day

513
00:28:41,388 --> 00:28:44,600
when they're tired
from Thunderdome the night before,

514
00:28:44,683 --> 00:28:47,311
they're coming down
from whatever they're on,

515
00:28:47,394 --> 00:28:50,022
realizing there's
a nail in their shoulder.

516
00:28:50,105 --> 00:28:52,482
You want to get them when they're tired.

517
00:28:52,566 --> 00:28:53,901
You don't go at night.

518
00:28:53,984 --> 00:28:56,987
No one's gonna see you again,
you're gonna end up on a fuckin' spit.

519
00:28:57,070 --> 00:29:00,949
I mean, you're under an overpass,
you never know what can happen, okay?

520
00:29:01,033 --> 00:29:03,869
I'm just warning you
'cause they don't make homeless people

521
00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:06,788
the way they made them
when I was a kid, you know?

522
00:29:06,872 --> 00:29:09,166
When I was a kid,
a homeless guy was a bum,

523
00:29:09,249 --> 00:29:11,793
he was a vagrant,
somebody down on his luck or whatever.

524
00:29:11,877 --> 00:29:13,128
You know, a wino.

525
00:29:13,212 --> 00:29:17,841
They didn't have this Shutter Island shit
going on that they had out there,

526
00:29:17,925 --> 00:29:19,092
like people talking to trees.

527
00:29:19,176 --> 00:29:20,844
[shouting gibberish]

528
00:29:23,013 --> 00:29:25,098
You're right here
having, like, eggs Benedict.

529
00:29:27,226 --> 00:29:29,978
He's, like, looking through
a porthole over your cabbage.

530
00:29:31,772 --> 00:29:32,814
Yeah.

531
00:29:32,898 --> 00:29:36,902
When I was a kid, you could only
be crazy outside for about 15 minutes

532
00:29:36,985 --> 00:29:39,321
before a van would pull up

533
00:29:39,404 --> 00:29:42,449
and two guys in nurses' outfits
would just come walking out.

534
00:29:42,533 --> 00:29:44,409
"Hey, buddy, how's it going?"

535
00:29:46,203 --> 00:29:48,413
"You're making a lot of racket
out here, aren't ya?"

536
00:29:49,831 --> 00:29:52,125
"Why don't you do me a favor,
try this shirt on?"

537
00:29:52,209 --> 00:29:56,171
Be like, "Okay.
How come the sleeves are so long?"

538
00:29:57,589 --> 00:29:59,758
"Oh, because we're gonna
tie your arms behind your back

539
00:29:59,842 --> 00:30:02,010
'cause you're out
of your fucking mind, that's it."

540
00:30:04,972 --> 00:30:07,850
"Not gonna have you out here
scaring the shit out of people."

541
00:30:07,933 --> 00:30:09,393
"Get in the fuckin' van!"

542
00:30:11,478 --> 00:30:14,606
And he got in the van and that was it.
They send you to a nuthouse.

543
00:30:14,690 --> 00:30:17,234
That's it, boom, bam, done, nuthouse.

544
00:30:17,317 --> 00:30:19,903
But the problem was
the people at the nuthouses

545
00:30:19,987 --> 00:30:21,363
started fucking the patients

546
00:30:21,446 --> 00:30:24,199
'cause everybody knows
crazy people are great in bed, right?

547
00:30:24,283 --> 00:30:26,785
So they're banging away, right?

548
00:30:29,580 --> 00:30:30,747
Hey, it happened.

549
00:30:30,831 --> 00:30:33,250
You're groaning at history, all right?

550
00:30:33,333 --> 00:30:35,878
You can shake your heads
all you want, but…

551
00:30:36,420 --> 00:30:37,462
Hey, hey!

552
00:30:39,423 --> 00:30:42,384
They fucked those people, all right?

553
00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:45,345
And they were banging away,
doctors with their fuckin' lab coats

554
00:30:45,429 --> 00:30:47,848
flappin' in the wind, just banging away,

555
00:30:47,931 --> 00:30:50,184
until finally… for decades…

556
00:30:50,267 --> 00:30:52,311
finally somebody
with a heart came walking in,

557
00:30:52,394 --> 00:30:54,813
"Hey, what the fuck is going on here?"

558
00:30:56,190 --> 00:31:00,444
And then they shut it down and
then they just let all these people go.

559
00:31:00,527 --> 00:31:02,446
They all came running out
like Mike Myers,

560
00:31:02,529 --> 00:31:04,990
jumping up on station wagons and shit.

561
00:31:07,326 --> 00:31:10,621
So that's the thing,
you go during the day.

562
00:31:11,788 --> 00:31:15,042
And I gotta tell you, when I pull up
to one of these tent cities,

563
00:31:15,125 --> 00:31:16,501
I always feel good about myself.

564
00:31:16,585 --> 00:31:18,795
"This is good, man,
helping out a fellow American."

565
00:31:18,879 --> 00:31:20,506
"I would want them to do that for me."

566
00:31:20,589 --> 00:31:22,841
"It's fuckin' ridiculous
people have to live like that."

567
00:31:22,925 --> 00:31:24,718
That's what I think when I'm in the car,

568
00:31:24,801 --> 00:31:27,429
and then the second I get out
and that smell hits me,

569
00:31:27,513 --> 00:31:31,266
I'm like, "What the fuck am I doing?
Jesus Christ, these people are animals!"

570
00:31:31,350 --> 00:31:32,559
Right?

571
00:31:33,977 --> 00:31:36,021
I would equate it
to the same feeling you probably get

572
00:31:36,104 --> 00:31:38,732
if you were on a safari
and you're in the Land Rover,

573
00:31:38,815 --> 00:31:40,651
and you look over
and you see, like, a leopard.

574
00:31:40,734 --> 00:31:43,862
You're like, "Look at
that leopard over there." Right?

575
00:31:43,946 --> 00:31:47,407
Then all of the sudden you go over a bump
and fall out of the fuckin' Range Rover.

576
00:31:47,491 --> 00:31:48,784
"Oh, fuck, that's a leopard!"

577
00:31:53,497 --> 00:31:57,876
Yeah, so I pull up
and I'm feeling like fuckin' Uncle Sam.

578
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,879
Then I get out of the car and I'm like,
"What the fuck am I doing?"

579
00:32:00,963 --> 00:32:02,589
I start walking like this.

580
00:32:03,298 --> 00:32:05,342
There's always
some sort of movement going on,

581
00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:08,804
somebody fuckin' limping
across the street or something.

582
00:32:10,222 --> 00:32:14,017
And I've never been able to get
close enough to talk, really, to anybody.

583
00:32:14,101 --> 00:32:16,061
You know, like they do on the news.

584
00:32:16,144 --> 00:32:18,647
You know, like, "Jeez,
have you been sitting in here,

585
00:32:18,730 --> 00:32:20,858
you know, for a couple of months?"

586
00:32:21,483 --> 00:32:24,736
"What is it like
to be inside of this tent?"

587
00:32:24,820 --> 00:32:27,322
I always wondered how many people
they had to choke out

588
00:32:27,406 --> 00:32:29,658
before they could get
that fuckin' interview.

589
00:32:29,741 --> 00:32:32,744
You know, just comin' in… blow darts.

590
00:32:33,829 --> 00:32:35,539
Numbin' up everybody else.

591
00:32:36,331 --> 00:32:37,666
Building a perimeter.

592
00:32:38,584 --> 00:32:40,252
So, what I…

593
00:32:40,335 --> 00:32:42,462
What I do is I get about 30 yards away,

594
00:32:42,546 --> 00:32:45,591
and then I just start walking like this.

595
00:32:46,633 --> 00:32:48,677
And then I chicken out,
I always chicken out.

596
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,430
Thirty yards away,
I just go, "Free shirts!"

597
00:32:52,347 --> 00:32:54,433
I run back to the car.

598
00:32:54,516 --> 00:32:57,060
And that's when your brain
starts playing tricks on you.

599
00:32:57,144 --> 00:33:00,898
Like I'm convinced somebody just came
running out of the tent with a 2-by-4.

600
00:33:01,899 --> 00:33:03,442
Running after me.

601
00:33:04,401 --> 00:33:09,072
So I always do a lap around my car
before I get in it, you know.

602
00:33:09,156 --> 00:33:11,909
'Cause homeless people
have horrible lateral movement.

603
00:33:11,992 --> 00:33:14,745
You know, from all those years
of sleeping on the sidewalk,

604
00:33:14,828 --> 00:33:17,915
their hips are just junk, you know,
like an NFL running back.

605
00:33:18,540 --> 00:33:22,002
They slow down like a cruise ship,
go right up and over the horizon.

606
00:33:22,085 --> 00:33:26,006
So in that time, you go around,
you get in your car, you drive away.

607
00:33:26,089 --> 00:33:27,341
You drive away.

608
00:33:27,925 --> 00:33:29,843
Your closet's a little more empty.

609
00:33:31,929 --> 00:33:34,389
You can go out,
you can fill it back up again

610
00:33:35,307 --> 00:33:39,728
with shit you don't fuckin' need,
you know, that's what you do.

611
00:33:39,811 --> 00:33:40,729
[man] America!

612
00:33:40,812 --> 00:33:41,939
What's that, sir?

613
00:33:42,022 --> 00:33:42,898
[man] America!

614
00:33:42,981 --> 00:33:46,068
America, yeah! America! Don't think.
Just do what you wanna do.

615
00:33:46,151 --> 00:33:49,029
Take your dick out, you know?

616
00:33:49,112 --> 00:33:52,074
I'll tell ya, that's what
George Washington was talking about.

617
00:33:52,157 --> 00:33:53,242
You know?

618
00:33:54,243 --> 00:33:56,870
They really need
to shut down the Internet.

619
00:33:56,954 --> 00:34:01,542
We are clearly too stupid
to all be sharing ideas

620
00:34:01,625 --> 00:34:05,462
in this giant townie bar
that we've created.

621
00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:09,174
You guys are all cheering,
you're all on the Internet just like me.

622
00:34:09,258 --> 00:34:11,927
I was on the Internet
for six hours last night.

623
00:34:13,762 --> 00:34:16,265
Trying to figure out
what kills a beaver, you know?

624
00:34:19,977 --> 00:34:22,271
Does a beaver have a natural predator?

625
00:34:23,522 --> 00:34:27,317
No. You wouldn't know it from
all the ignorant shit I've said so far,

626
00:34:27,401 --> 00:34:30,070
but I am a changed person,
believe it or not.

627
00:34:31,029 --> 00:34:31,905
I am.

628
00:34:31,989 --> 00:34:35,242
I had an experience earlier this year.

629
00:34:35,325 --> 00:34:38,120
-[man] Bullshit.
-This is all true. You don't think so?

630
00:34:38,203 --> 00:34:39,580
Guy just yelled "bullshit."

631
00:34:39,663 --> 00:34:42,332
Are you saying "bullshit," sir,
'cause you don't believe me

632
00:34:42,416 --> 00:34:44,793
or 'cause you don't want me to leave?

633
00:34:44,877 --> 00:34:46,420
Is that what it is?

634
00:34:46,503 --> 00:34:48,964
The little angry circle that you're in?

635
00:34:50,465 --> 00:34:53,844
Don't be goin' and gettin' happy now.
Don't be goin' and gettin' soft on me.

636
00:34:54,761 --> 00:34:57,306
Don't start huggin' people
and lovin' yourself.

637
00:34:58,724 --> 00:35:01,894
And cryin' when you see somethin' cute.
Hang onto it!

638
00:35:05,564 --> 00:35:06,857
Lash out at people.

639
00:35:08,233 --> 00:35:10,903
Reach for your pistol
under the seat. Do it!

640
00:35:11,737 --> 00:35:12,738
[man] Yeah!

641
00:35:12,821 --> 00:35:16,575
No, I took mushrooms back in February
for the first time ever.

642
00:35:16,658 --> 00:35:19,077
[audience cheering, whistling]

643
00:35:22,456 --> 00:35:26,335
This is the perfect state
to tell this story.

644
00:35:27,377 --> 00:35:29,004
You guys should literally have…

645
00:35:30,214 --> 00:35:32,966
you should have mushrooms
on your fuckin' license plate.

646
00:35:34,801 --> 00:35:36,428
All right, so here's the deal.

647
00:35:36,512 --> 00:35:40,140
I never fucked with anything like that.
I was always a booze guy.

648
00:35:40,224 --> 00:35:43,727
Always a booze guy, you know.
Yeah, you know.

649
00:35:44,269 --> 00:35:48,732
Relax, everybody. I always get nervous
when I get white guys going like,

650
00:35:48,815 --> 00:35:50,150
"Yeah! All right, whoo!"

651
00:35:50,234 --> 00:35:51,485
"All right!"

652
00:35:51,568 --> 00:35:53,362
"Build the wall! Yeah!"

653
00:35:53,987 --> 00:35:56,031
I'm fuckin' around, relax.

654
00:36:00,077 --> 00:36:03,413
It's frightening to listen to,
but that's what being a guy is.

655
00:36:03,497 --> 00:36:06,291
You're not allowed to have emotions.

656
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,919
So all that shit comes out
when you're drinking.

657
00:36:09,002 --> 00:36:11,463
[growling]

658
00:36:12,673 --> 00:36:14,633
"Do something dumb
so I don't feel stupid!"

659
00:36:18,929 --> 00:36:22,015
So… yeah, I was always like a booze guy,

660
00:36:22,099 --> 00:36:24,643
so I never fucked
with psychedelics or whatever,

661
00:36:24,726 --> 00:36:28,397
so it was one of these deals.
I was out in the desert, man,

662
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:31,942
and I was like, all right,
I got somebody watching my kids.

663
00:36:32,025 --> 00:36:34,361
Everything's fine, I'm in my fifties.

664
00:36:34,444 --> 00:36:36,947
I gotta do it now
or I'm never gonna do it, right?

665
00:36:37,030 --> 00:36:42,035
So this person, who may or may not
have been my opening act tonight, goes,

666
00:36:42,119 --> 00:36:43,203
"All right, man."

667
00:36:47,082 --> 00:36:48,041
Uh…

668
00:36:48,834 --> 00:36:50,669
He's a good man, he's a good man.

669
00:36:51,879 --> 00:36:53,630
He says to me, he goes, "All right."

670
00:36:53,714 --> 00:36:56,049
He goes, "Okay,
just take like, you know…"

671
00:36:56,133 --> 00:36:58,635
You know, it's always just like,
"All right,

672
00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:02,014
so, like, how fucked up
do you wanna get, all right?"

673
00:37:02,097 --> 00:37:04,183
And there's always like a square
and it's like,

674
00:37:04,266 --> 00:37:06,560
"Okay, don't eat the whole square."

675
00:37:06,643 --> 00:37:09,146
"Just like, bite one corner,

676
00:37:09,229 --> 00:37:12,232
lick the other one,
and then rub the other one."

677
00:37:12,316 --> 00:37:14,526
"Let it absorb in your face or whatever."

678
00:37:16,195 --> 00:37:19,531
So, I'm like, "All right." He goes,
"How far into it do you wanna go?"

679
00:37:19,615 --> 00:37:21,867
I go, "I just wanna trip a little bit,
nothing crazy."

680
00:37:21,950 --> 00:37:23,827
So he goes, "Fine,"
so I ate just a little bit.

681
00:37:23,911 --> 00:37:27,331
I get a little nauseous or whatever.
At first it feels like I ate some weed,

682
00:37:27,414 --> 00:37:30,209
but then all of the sudden
I notice shit that's not alive

683
00:37:30,292 --> 00:37:32,002
looks like it's breathing, right?

684
00:37:32,628 --> 00:37:36,006
Like the refrigerator looked like
it just did a lap around the house.

685
00:37:36,089 --> 00:37:37,216
It's kind of…

686
00:37:39,843 --> 00:37:42,638
Nothin' threatening, you know.
It needed it, you know.

687
00:37:45,682 --> 00:37:49,102
TV started getting bigger.
It's looking like it's gonna fall on me.

688
00:37:49,186 --> 00:37:51,855
All right, and I was doing fine.

689
00:37:51,939 --> 00:37:54,358
I was like, "I know that TV's
not getting bigger."

690
00:37:54,441 --> 00:37:56,276
"And if it is, I don't
give a shit, go ahead."

691
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:59,988
"Spill that pixelation all over me,
I don't give a fuck."

692
00:38:00,072 --> 00:38:03,825
"I know I'm trippin', I'm having fun.
I'm giggling."

693
00:38:03,909 --> 00:38:06,411
I'm laughing and shit,
I'm putting things together,

694
00:38:06,495 --> 00:38:08,205
and everything is fuckin' great.

695
00:38:08,288 --> 00:38:10,707
And all of the sudden, about an hour in…

696
00:38:11,750 --> 00:38:15,295
all of a sudden
this profound sense of loneliness

697
00:38:15,379 --> 00:38:18,924
and not feeling loved just washed over me.

698
00:38:19,758 --> 00:38:22,928
Yeah, and I was just like,
"I fuckin' knew it."

699
00:38:24,221 --> 00:38:26,932
I fuckin' knew it.
This is why I didn't do it.

700
00:38:27,015 --> 00:38:28,725
I knew I had too many demons.

701
00:38:28,809 --> 00:38:32,354
I knew I wasn't going to see God
and fuckin' unicorns

702
00:38:32,437 --> 00:38:36,608
and slide down the rainbow
and roll around in the grass.

703
00:38:36,692 --> 00:38:39,111
I fuckin' knew Satan was coming up.

704
00:38:39,194 --> 00:38:41,280
There was gonna be a guy
with a knife and shit.

705
00:38:41,363 --> 00:38:45,659
I was just like, "All right, go ahead.
Drag me into the abyss."

706
00:38:45,742 --> 00:38:47,661
"Let me see how fucked up I am,"

707
00:38:47,744 --> 00:38:51,290
and this feeling, it just enveloped me,

708
00:38:51,373 --> 00:38:54,209
and I don't even know how to describe it,
it wasn't even a feeling.

709
00:38:54,293 --> 00:38:56,962
It just was, it just was.

710
00:38:58,589 --> 00:39:01,592
So I'm freakin' the fuck out.
I'm sitting there like, "What the fuck?"

711
00:39:01,675 --> 00:39:03,385
I can't get out of it, dude.

712
00:39:03,468 --> 00:39:06,180
Like I could walk
a hundred fuckin' million miles,

713
00:39:06,263 --> 00:39:08,098
I can't walk out of it, it just was.

714
00:39:08,182 --> 00:39:12,311
So everybody else is, like, trippin',
I didn't want to fuckin' ruin their trip,

715
00:39:12,394 --> 00:39:16,064
so I'm just like, "All right, dude,
I'm just gonna go to the bedroom."

716
00:39:16,148 --> 00:39:18,901
"Oh, look at the refrigerator.
Refrigerator…"

717
00:39:18,984 --> 00:39:20,694
[laughing nervously]

718
00:39:20,777 --> 00:39:21,904
All right.

719
00:39:23,739 --> 00:39:25,574
"I'm just feelin' a little nauseous."

720
00:39:30,787 --> 00:39:32,456
Just playin' it up, right?

721
00:39:32,539 --> 00:39:34,208
Goin' in the fuckin' bedroom,

722
00:39:34,291 --> 00:39:36,877
and I'm just layin' down
in the bedroom like,

723
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:39,713
"Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?"

724
00:39:39,796 --> 00:39:44,718
And every time I thought
I felt the bottom, it would just…

725
00:39:45,552 --> 00:39:50,307
just further into the bed,
further into the bed,

726
00:39:50,390 --> 00:39:51,642
further into the bed.

727
00:39:52,392 --> 00:39:55,270
So about a half hour later,
my wife comes in.

728
00:39:55,354 --> 00:39:57,606
She's like, "Hey, how you doing?"

729
00:39:57,689 --> 00:39:58,774
Typical guy.

730
00:39:58,857 --> 00:40:01,151
"Great, I'm doin' great."

731
00:40:03,237 --> 00:40:04,446
"I'm doin' great."

732
00:40:05,447 --> 00:40:06,698
"It's goin' great."

733
00:40:07,991 --> 00:40:09,284
So she's laying next to me,

734
00:40:09,368 --> 00:40:12,246
"I'm feeling a little nauseous,
this is a little bit much for me."

735
00:40:12,329 --> 00:40:15,374
And she's just laying down
and I'm just feeling this feeling.

736
00:40:15,457 --> 00:40:18,919
Not feeling loved,
profound sense of loneliness.

737
00:40:19,002 --> 00:40:22,339
So now I'm just looking at my wife,
and my brain just starts going like,

738
00:40:22,422 --> 00:40:24,675
"Oh, fuck, did I marry the wrong person?"

739
00:40:25,968 --> 00:40:27,553
"Why am I lookin' at…"

740
00:40:29,346 --> 00:40:32,266
I know it seems fucked up,
but once you're married long enough,

741
00:40:32,349 --> 00:40:35,894
even not on mushrooms, you have
that thought every fuckin' six weeks.

742
00:40:35,978 --> 00:40:37,020
You just do.

743
00:40:37,104 --> 00:40:41,525
Something happens where you
just look at the side of their head

744
00:40:41,608 --> 00:40:45,153
and just do the math and just think,
"Why did I ever talk to you?"

745
00:40:45,237 --> 00:40:48,615
"I could have just walked by.
I didn't even have to say hello."

746
00:40:48,699 --> 00:40:50,742
"We had no relationship."

747
00:40:51,368 --> 00:40:52,953
"We were nothing!"

748
00:40:55,414 --> 00:40:59,167
"What would happen
if I just never talked to you?"

749
00:40:59,251 --> 00:41:01,545
Every six weeks,
you think that's a healthy relationship?

750
00:41:02,754 --> 00:41:05,799
That means you've still held on
to a part of yourself

751
00:41:05,883 --> 00:41:09,303
that even though you love this person,
you still, you know,

752
00:41:09,386 --> 00:41:12,389
you still want to run around
like a mustang a little bit, right?

753
00:41:13,599 --> 00:41:16,685
So anyways, I'm like,
that was freaking me out even more

754
00:41:16,768 --> 00:41:19,146
to think of my wife and be feeling that.

755
00:41:19,229 --> 00:41:21,190
So I was like,
"Fuck, I need to pull the rip cord."

756
00:41:21,273 --> 00:41:25,235
"I gotta get out of this fuckin'…
it's like a giant beanbag."

757
00:41:26,486 --> 00:41:29,364
Couldn't get out of it, right?
So I was like, "Oh, fuck."

758
00:41:29,448 --> 00:41:33,493
Think about your kids.
Now, I love my kids.

759
00:41:33,577 --> 00:41:36,079
And I know they love me,
there is no fuckin' question.

760
00:41:36,163 --> 00:41:37,956
And I start thinking about my kids.

761
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,334
And I still felt that feeling.

762
00:41:40,417 --> 00:41:44,296
And I was like,
"All right, what the fuck is this?"

763
00:41:45,881 --> 00:41:47,549
'Cause I know that's bullshit.

764
00:41:48,425 --> 00:41:50,093
And I just sort of laid there.

765
00:41:50,177 --> 00:41:51,386
And I relaxed.

766
00:41:51,470 --> 00:41:55,265
And I went,
"Oh, fuck, I know what this is."

767
00:41:58,810 --> 00:42:00,812
This is how I felt growing up.

768
00:42:00,896 --> 00:42:02,606
[chuckles]

769
00:42:03,106 --> 00:42:04,233
Yeah.

770
00:42:04,316 --> 00:42:07,486
This is what the '70s and '80s were like.

771
00:42:08,028 --> 00:42:09,321
Both your parents worked.

772
00:42:09,404 --> 00:42:12,241
You got a set of keys to the house
when you were three.

773
00:42:12,324 --> 00:42:15,410
"Oh, yeah, son.
Get the fuck out of my face, son."

774
00:42:17,037 --> 00:42:18,372
It was fuckin' nuts, yeah.

775
00:42:18,455 --> 00:42:21,333
I grew up in a very,
like, angry time, you know?

776
00:42:21,416 --> 00:42:24,753
Like, you were afraid of your dad,
your dad's dad.

777
00:42:24,836 --> 00:42:27,089
I talked about this shit before,
but I'm still working through it,

778
00:42:27,172 --> 00:42:28,382
so just bear with me.

779
00:42:28,465 --> 00:42:29,883
You just were fuckin'…

780
00:42:29,967 --> 00:42:34,388
Yeah, like I love seeing kids
nowadays loving their dad.

781
00:42:34,471 --> 00:42:39,393
Like, "Dad, wanna go play, Dad?
Let's go ride bikes! Dad!"

782
00:42:40,060 --> 00:42:43,230
Yeah, when I was a kid,
it was like, "Dad, fuck, Dad!"

783
00:42:43,313 --> 00:42:44,606
"Fuck!"

784
00:42:45,065 --> 00:42:46,984
"Run! Open a window."

785
00:42:47,776 --> 00:42:50,070
"Mom, what did you see in that?"

786
00:42:52,197 --> 00:42:54,950
-Fucking lunatic, right?
-[man] Yeah!

787
00:42:55,033 --> 00:42:58,662
It was absolute fuckin' lunacy.
And not just my house.

788
00:42:58,745 --> 00:43:00,664
I love my parents,
but it was just the time.

789
00:43:00,747 --> 00:43:03,333
Everybody was fuckin' crazy,
you were afraid,

790
00:43:03,417 --> 00:43:06,920
and people could put their hands on you
and other people's dads could hit you,

791
00:43:07,004 --> 00:43:09,256
and then you come home,
"What the fuck did you do?"

792
00:43:09,882 --> 00:43:12,718
"I'll fuckin' hit you for it!"
It was just nuts.

793
00:43:13,468 --> 00:43:16,138
Teachers would grab you,
dig their nails into your fuckin' neck.

794
00:43:16,221 --> 00:43:19,558
She'd come home, "She wouldn't have
done that unless something happened."

795
00:43:19,641 --> 00:43:22,269
Right? It was all of that shit.

796
00:43:22,352 --> 00:43:25,022
Me and my siblings,
we all beat the shit out of each other.

797
00:43:25,105 --> 00:43:26,148
You know.

798
00:43:26,231 --> 00:43:29,693
And then we all teased the dog,
and the dog bit all of us.

799
00:43:29,776 --> 00:43:33,113
And we never got rid of the dog.
One time the dog bit me in the face.

800
00:43:33,197 --> 00:43:35,449
I was fuckin' with it,
it was eating, I was like…

801
00:43:35,532 --> 00:43:37,201
And he latched onto my face like…

802
00:43:38,744 --> 00:43:41,455
Like that. My dad had
to stitch me up and everything.

803
00:43:41,538 --> 00:43:44,458
We still didn't get rid of the dog,
you know?

804
00:43:44,541 --> 00:43:46,335
"Aw, he's a good dog, he had a moment."

805
00:43:46,418 --> 00:43:49,922
"Jesus Christ, you shouldn't have put
your goddamn face down there

806
00:43:50,005 --> 00:43:51,423
near the fuckin' dog."

807
00:43:52,883 --> 00:43:56,053
Yeah. So that's all it was.

808
00:43:56,136 --> 00:44:00,307
It was weird, we were like
The Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies.

809
00:44:00,390 --> 00:44:02,184
Like, on paper, it was great.

810
00:44:02,267 --> 00:44:04,436
It was a station wagon
full of fuckin', you know…

811
00:44:04,520 --> 00:44:07,940
Norman Rockwell, we went to church,
we got Dunkin' Donuts.

812
00:44:08,815 --> 00:44:10,734
Yeah, that was about the fuck-- so…

813
00:44:12,361 --> 00:44:14,404
I don't know, so anyway,
we all ended up--

814
00:44:14,488 --> 00:44:18,534
my dad was one of those people,
he said whatever the fuck was on his mind.

815
00:44:18,617 --> 00:44:19,910
You know what I mean?

816
00:44:19,993 --> 00:44:23,163
Yeah. You know, like that haircut
women get when they get to a certain age?

817
00:44:23,247 --> 00:44:26,041
They got a couple of kids,
they just get it cut a little shorter

818
00:44:26,124 --> 00:44:27,584
'cause they don't wanna deal with it.

819
00:44:27,668 --> 00:44:30,212
They put that little
Hillary Clinton flip in it or something.

820
00:44:30,295 --> 00:44:33,841
Right? They get it
all shaved up the fuckin' back.

821
00:44:33,924 --> 00:44:35,259
First time you bend 'em over,

822
00:44:35,342 --> 00:44:38,136
you feel like you're fuckin'
your friend Eric. Right?

823
00:44:38,220 --> 00:44:39,179
You know?

824
00:44:39,263 --> 00:44:42,891
But you love your wife,
so you lie and you tell them,

825
00:44:42,975 --> 00:44:44,101
"Oh, looks good."

826
00:44:45,853 --> 00:44:48,689
"Looks great, I always wanted
to fuck Geraldine Ferraro."

827
00:44:48,772 --> 00:44:49,857
"My God, it's amazing."

828
00:44:53,569 --> 00:44:55,529
My dad didn't care.

829
00:44:55,612 --> 00:44:58,156
We picked my mother up,
she got in the car, he just goes,

830
00:44:58,240 --> 00:45:00,367
"Aw, Christ, it looks like shit!"

831
00:45:01,034 --> 00:45:03,996
"Jesus Christ, what the fuck
did they do to you?"

832
00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:07,332
"Aw, for Christ's sake,
you look like a fuckin' man."

833
00:45:07,416 --> 00:45:09,042
My mom's just sittin' there like…

834
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:14,131
We're in the back seat like, "This is what
a functional relationship looks like."

835
00:45:14,214 --> 00:45:15,340
Whoo!

836
00:45:17,301 --> 00:45:18,260
Yeah.

837
00:45:20,220 --> 00:45:24,766
So, because of all that, we all ended up
getting, like, physical ailments

838
00:45:24,850 --> 00:45:28,228
from being in the fight-or-flight mode
our whole lives.

839
00:45:28,312 --> 00:45:31,440
Everything, gym teachers were scary,
collecting on your paper--

840
00:45:31,523 --> 00:45:33,192
Everybody was scary fuckin' everything.

841
00:45:33,275 --> 00:45:37,070
One time my dad told a priest
he didn't deserve to wear the collar.

842
00:45:40,908 --> 00:45:42,242
I don't know how it happened.

843
00:45:42,326 --> 00:45:45,162
We were discussing
the altar boys' schedule…

844
00:45:46,163 --> 00:45:49,124
and, I don't know, he wanted
to put me on a different mass,

845
00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:50,918
and my dad started getting his leg going.

846
00:45:51,001 --> 00:45:53,212
"You don't deserve to wear
the fucking collar!"

847
00:45:53,295 --> 00:45:55,923
The guy's jaw was on the ground,
and then the best part,

848
00:45:56,006 --> 00:45:57,299
next week we go to mass.

849
00:45:57,382 --> 00:46:00,010
They haven't spoken in a week,
and my dad comes walkin' like,

850
00:46:00,093 --> 00:46:01,929
"Hey, how you doin', what's going on?"

851
00:46:02,012 --> 00:46:03,180
Like nothing happened.

852
00:46:04,973 --> 00:46:07,726
Yeah, so anyway, we all end up
getting these physical ailments.

853
00:46:07,809 --> 00:46:10,354
Like one of my siblings
has stomach problems,

854
00:46:10,437 --> 00:46:13,649
another one has this pain
that won't go away in his back.

855
00:46:13,732 --> 00:46:17,069
I remember I had, like, alopecia
in, like, the third grade.

856
00:46:17,152 --> 00:46:20,072
Third grade, I literally had
clumps of hair falling out

857
00:46:20,155 --> 00:46:22,574
like I was working
on Wall Street, you know.

858
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,869
And I was just sitting there like,
"Did I pick up all the toys?"

859
00:46:26,703 --> 00:46:27,871
"Did I do the dishes?"

860
00:46:27,955 --> 00:46:30,332
"He's gonna find something,
he always finds something."

861
00:46:30,415 --> 00:46:32,459
"Fuck, what do I do? I gotta kill him."

862
00:46:32,543 --> 00:46:34,586
"I should kill him,
that's what I should do."

863
00:46:34,670 --> 00:46:36,588
"When he's sleeping,
I'll take an extension cord."

864
00:46:36,672 --> 00:46:38,674
"I'll wrap it around,
put my fuckin' foot on his back."

865
00:46:41,718 --> 00:46:45,430
"Billy seems to lack the focus
in class that he needs."

866
00:46:46,098 --> 00:46:49,268
"He's not working up
to his ability." Right?

867
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:54,565
Yeah, so, anyway,
I took these fuckin' mushrooms.

868
00:46:55,607 --> 00:46:56,483
All right?

869
00:46:57,192 --> 00:47:00,946
And I realized that I have been
carrying that shit around

870
00:47:01,572 --> 00:47:04,741
and being like, all right,
well, that's why I drank the way I did.

871
00:47:05,701 --> 00:47:08,704
That's why I've trashed women the way I--

872
00:47:08,787 --> 00:47:10,122
all the fuckin' shit.

873
00:47:10,205 --> 00:47:14,543
I knew every fuckin' thing I did,
good and bad, in that moment.

874
00:47:14,626 --> 00:47:16,461
I was like, all right,
now I got to get sober

875
00:47:16,545 --> 00:47:18,922
and I got to fuckin' work
my way through this shit,

876
00:47:19,006 --> 00:47:20,757
because, you know, my wife--

877
00:47:20,841 --> 00:47:23,594
I don't know if you guys noticed,
I have a bit of a temper.

878
00:47:24,178 --> 00:47:26,555
[chuckles]

879
00:47:26,638 --> 00:47:28,599
"No, not you, Bill." Yeah.

880
00:47:28,682 --> 00:47:31,768
So here's the thing,
you know, I'm so fucked up

881
00:47:31,852 --> 00:47:35,606
and grew up in such a fucked-up time
that I didn't even think I had a temper

882
00:47:35,689 --> 00:47:40,402
'cause I was like, "I don't fuckin'
yell at people in my house."

883
00:47:40,485 --> 00:47:43,030
I curse my wife out,
I mean we get into it.

884
00:47:43,655 --> 00:47:45,699
I get into it with her,
but I don't go like,

885
00:47:45,782 --> 00:47:48,202
"Jesus Christ, you fuckin' bitch,"
I don't do that stuff.

886
00:47:48,285 --> 00:47:51,496
I don't yell at my kids,
but what I do is…

887
00:47:51,580 --> 00:47:53,040
what I still do is I flip out.

888
00:47:53,123 --> 00:47:56,752
So, like I said, I didn't think
that this was a problem.

889
00:47:56,835 --> 00:48:01,048
My wife told me it was a problem,
but I don't listen to her, you know.

890
00:48:01,131 --> 00:48:05,427
Why would I listen to her?
All she does is criticize, you know?

891
00:48:05,511 --> 00:48:09,556
I got nothing but bad reviews
on the fuckin' Husband Yelp.

892
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:13,727
It's just all, "You know,
didn't enjoy the experience."

893
00:48:13,810 --> 00:48:18,357
"Thumbs down, half a star,"
never get a fuckin' "attaboy," right?

894
00:48:19,233 --> 00:48:21,735
So it just becomes
white noise after a while.

895
00:48:21,818 --> 00:48:25,030
"What, am I doing something wrong again?
Oh, yeah, you again, okay, great."

896
00:48:25,113 --> 00:48:27,783
"Great, what did I do this time, huh?"

897
00:48:27,866 --> 00:48:29,535
"What do I have to work on?"

898
00:48:29,618 --> 00:48:31,370
"Go ahead, fuckin' let me know," right?

899
00:48:33,497 --> 00:48:36,166
So, I don't listen to my lovely wife.

900
00:48:36,250 --> 00:48:38,710
Like an idiot--
Like the idiot that I am, so…

901
00:48:39,294 --> 00:48:41,421
One day I learned a harsh lesson, okay?

902
00:48:42,381 --> 00:48:43,549
It was a breakfast time.

903
00:48:43,632 --> 00:48:46,260
For some reason I had,
like, 20 minutes to myself,

904
00:48:46,343 --> 00:48:49,721
which is really rare when you
got two kids four and under, right?

905
00:48:49,805 --> 00:48:53,058
So I'm thinking like, "Holy shit,
I can actually make myself a breakfast,

906
00:48:53,141 --> 00:48:54,226
like the old days."

907
00:48:54,309 --> 00:48:56,770
"I'll make two eggs over easy,
I'll make some toast,

908
00:48:56,854 --> 00:48:59,606
I'll make some bacon,
fuckin' burn it up the way I like it."

909
00:48:59,690 --> 00:49:01,191
"It's gonna be the shit, right?"

910
00:49:01,275 --> 00:49:04,278
So I'm having a great time,
making myself a Grand Slam breakfast.

911
00:49:04,361 --> 00:49:07,573
I sit down to eat, I got the OJ,
I got the glass of water.

912
00:49:07,656 --> 00:49:10,284
It looks like a picture from a commercial.

913
00:49:10,367 --> 00:49:13,036
And right as I sit down to eat,
my phone lights up

914
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:15,539
and I get a text message from my buddy.

915
00:49:15,622 --> 00:49:19,543
He goes, "Hey, man, I thought
you were coming on this Zoom meeting."

916
00:49:19,626 --> 00:49:22,796
"It started five minutes ago,
we need you on this."

917
00:49:22,880 --> 00:49:24,464
And I just absolutely lost it.

918
00:49:24,548 --> 00:49:27,134
I was like, Jesus Christ,
of course I have a meeting.

919
00:49:27,217 --> 00:49:30,262
Of course I have my meeting,
because why couldn't I just have

920
00:49:30,345 --> 00:49:34,391
one goddamn cocksucking
motherfucking moment to myself?!

921
00:49:34,474 --> 00:49:37,102
Fuckin' toast flying all over the place.

922
00:49:37,186 --> 00:49:38,478
Flippin' the fuck up.

923
00:49:38,562 --> 00:49:43,233
And then all of the sudden, my daughter,
who was like two and a half at the time,

924
00:49:43,317 --> 00:49:46,653
comes running into the kitchen
with big tears in her eyes,

925
00:49:46,737 --> 00:49:51,617
just going, "I sorry, I sorry, Dada.
Dada, I sorry."

926
00:49:51,700 --> 00:49:53,994
And I was like, "Oh, shit!"

927
00:49:54,077 --> 00:49:56,997
So I literally just squatted down,
I was like, "No, buddy, come here."

928
00:49:57,080 --> 00:49:59,708
"I wasn't yelling at you.
Daddy would never yell at you."

929
00:49:59,791 --> 00:50:03,462
"I love you, buddy.
Daddy was yelling at the phone, okay?"

930
00:50:03,545 --> 00:50:06,757
"Dad yells at the phone when it says stuff
that he doesn't like, okay?"

931
00:50:08,717 --> 00:50:11,595
"Your dad has issues. I'm sorry, buddy.
I would never yell at you."

932
00:50:11,678 --> 00:50:14,473
And I could literally feel
her tears drying in my shirt.

933
00:50:14,556 --> 00:50:16,642
I was like, "Buddy,
I would never do that, okay?"

934
00:50:16,725 --> 00:50:18,060
"I love you. You still love me?"

935
00:50:18,143 --> 00:50:20,312
She said, "Yeah."
I go, "Okay, all right, buddy."

936
00:50:20,395 --> 00:50:22,523
And then you know
when you do that thing with a kid

937
00:50:22,606 --> 00:50:26,235
where you turn them around and push them
in the direction you want them to go in?

938
00:50:35,077 --> 00:50:37,955
And I just had to sit there like,
I just did that

939
00:50:38,872 --> 00:50:41,542
to a two-and-a-half-year-old,
and she was like walking away,

940
00:50:41,625 --> 00:50:43,502
and I'm just sitting there thinking like,

941
00:50:43,585 --> 00:50:45,504
"How bad was that?"

942
00:50:46,755 --> 00:50:49,758
"Is she just gonna go play with a toy
and forget about it,

943
00:50:49,842 --> 00:50:52,553
or is she no longer
gonna be an astronaut?"

944
00:50:52,636 --> 00:50:55,389
Like, what did I just do?

945
00:50:56,932 --> 00:50:58,433
I thought I was better than my dad,

946
00:50:58,517 --> 00:51:00,811
I'm making the same mistakes
that he's making.

947
00:51:00,894 --> 00:51:02,312
I fuckin' hate myself.

948
00:51:02,396 --> 00:51:04,690
I didn't do the meeting,
I didn't eat the breakfast.

949
00:51:04,773 --> 00:51:06,984
I just went upstairs,
just wanted to be alone, right?

950
00:51:07,067 --> 00:51:11,113
Just want to be fuckin' alone, but I
got a wife, so it doesn't work that way.

951
00:51:11,196 --> 00:51:12,072
You know?

952
00:51:12,155 --> 00:51:15,200
Especially when you fuck up
as bad as I did

953
00:51:15,284 --> 00:51:16,702
and as loudly as I did.

954
00:51:16,785 --> 00:51:19,288
I knew she was comin' down the hall.

955
00:51:19,371 --> 00:51:21,999
I knew I was going
to have to watch some game film.

956
00:51:22,082 --> 00:51:26,253
She was bringing the projector,
the screen was gonna come down,

957
00:51:26,336 --> 00:51:28,755
and I'm literally just laying in there,
like, "Please, God,

958
00:51:28,839 --> 00:51:32,593
just let her give me two minutes
to fuckin' calm down."

959
00:51:33,385 --> 00:51:35,721
Nope, she just comes right in
and she's just like, "So…

960
00:51:38,056 --> 00:51:42,394
you wanna discuss that little incident
that happened downstairs in the kitchen?"

961
00:51:42,477 --> 00:51:44,730
And I'm like, "No, honey,
can you just give me a second?"

962
00:51:44,813 --> 00:51:47,608
"My heart is still on the floor.
Give me a second. I know I fucked up."

963
00:51:47,691 --> 00:51:50,944
She doesn't give a shit at that point,
and she's right, it's her kid too,

964
00:51:51,028 --> 00:51:54,865
so she just launched in, "If you think
you can do this in this fuckin' house…"

965
00:51:54,948 --> 00:51:56,950
All this shit, and…

966
00:51:57,034 --> 00:51:59,453
I mean, she was 100% right,

967
00:51:59,536 --> 00:52:01,538
but I wasn't ready
to hear the information.

968
00:52:02,456 --> 00:52:05,792
So she just sort of zoned out.
"They're my kids too and…"

969
00:52:08,253 --> 00:52:09,796
And I'm just sittin' there…

970
00:52:13,008 --> 00:52:15,552
laying in the bed
with the nerve to be upset with her.

971
00:52:15,636 --> 00:52:18,597
She didn't do anything,
and I'm just staring at her mouth

972
00:52:19,765 --> 00:52:21,600
as it's moving, not hearing anything.

973
00:52:23,477 --> 00:52:26,897
I just started thinking of the news,
a news story popped into my head.

974
00:52:28,815 --> 00:52:31,610
You know that news story,
you'll see it every year, year and a half.

975
00:52:31,693 --> 00:52:35,155
You'll see some guy,
never committed a crime in his life,

976
00:52:35,239 --> 00:52:37,491
you know, went to church every week.

977
00:52:37,574 --> 00:52:39,368
Helped old ladies across the street.

978
00:52:39,451 --> 00:52:41,870
And then out of nowhere,
he just kills his wife.

979
00:52:43,497 --> 00:52:46,458
It's gotta be from times like this.
It just has to be.

980
00:52:48,418 --> 00:52:50,754
He just had something to say.

981
00:52:50,837 --> 00:52:53,257
Like, I don't know,
I just fucked up, but…

982
00:52:53,966 --> 00:52:57,803
I knew she was right, so I sat there,
I fuckin' took it, you know?

983
00:52:57,886 --> 00:53:01,849
I will say, as an aside,
the next time you see a guy

984
00:53:01,932 --> 00:53:04,101
who never even cheated on his taxes,

985
00:53:04,184 --> 00:53:05,853
and then out of nowhere he kills his wife,

986
00:53:05,936 --> 00:53:08,856
I think it's high time to bring back
the question, "What did she say?"

987
00:53:08,939 --> 00:53:10,732
Okay? I'm just sayin', all right?

988
00:53:15,779 --> 00:53:18,866
Examine the problem from 360 degrees.

989
00:53:19,700 --> 00:53:21,577
So anyway, so,

990
00:53:22,369 --> 00:53:26,790
I love my dad and everything, you know,
but there's things I want to improve on,

991
00:53:26,874 --> 00:53:30,002
so the great thing I have done
is my kids are not afraid of me.

992
00:53:30,085 --> 00:53:33,797
And every time I have fucked up,
I've gotten down on my kids' level

993
00:53:33,881 --> 00:53:35,966
and let them know
that I was wrong and I apologize.

994
00:53:36,049 --> 00:53:38,510
So, the great thing is
my kids are not afraid of me.

995
00:53:38,594 --> 00:53:42,514
So now, my daughter's a little bit older,
she's like four and a half now,

996
00:53:42,598 --> 00:53:46,852
so now whenever I start flipping out,
she actually has been helping me to stop.

997
00:53:46,935 --> 00:53:49,688
'Cause the second I hear
that cute voice, I can't…

998
00:53:49,771 --> 00:53:52,191
I just think, "Dada, I sorry,"
I just immediately…

999
00:53:52,274 --> 00:53:54,026
It's hilarious, I'll be in the kitchen.

1000
00:53:54,109 --> 00:53:56,403
I'm always in the kitchen
doing something, right?

1001
00:53:56,486 --> 00:53:59,740
And one day I just come in like,
"What the fuck kind of toaster is this?"

1002
00:54:00,616 --> 00:54:02,159
"What was wrong with the other toaster?"

1003
00:54:02,242 --> 00:54:05,996
"I need to download the app
to make fucking cocksucking…"

1004
00:54:06,079 --> 00:54:08,081
And all of the sudden,
she'll just be like,

1005
00:54:08,165 --> 00:54:11,460
in the other room, be like,
"Dad, don't scream like that!"

1006
00:54:12,461 --> 00:54:15,839
The second I hear that voice,
I'm like, "You're right, buddy, sorry."

1007
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,593
"Sorry, I'm just gonna
download the app here."

1008
00:54:21,011 --> 00:54:25,349
"Download the app in the amount of time
it would take to make some fuckin' toast!"

1009
00:54:25,432 --> 00:54:26,475
Um…

1010
00:54:27,809 --> 00:54:30,854
"Ooh, Dad, you said a bad word.
You said a bad word."

1011
00:54:31,688 --> 00:54:33,148
She does all of that shit, right?

1012
00:54:33,232 --> 00:54:36,235
To the point, one night--
we have movie night once a week.

1013
00:54:36,318 --> 00:54:38,946
It's my favorite thing, we'll watch
some Pixar thing, you know.

1014
00:54:39,029 --> 00:54:41,281
One of those great movies, you know.
They're great.

1015
00:54:41,365 --> 00:54:43,492
They're for kids and adults.
It's fuckin' awesome.

1016
00:54:43,575 --> 00:54:45,619
We sit down, make the popcorn
and everything.

1017
00:54:45,702 --> 00:54:48,038
So we have this smart TV
in the living room.

1018
00:54:48,121 --> 00:54:49,998
Oh, people, this is a smart TV.

1019
00:54:50,082 --> 00:54:51,625
Oh, is it smart.

1020
00:54:52,459 --> 00:54:53,794
Oh, is this fuckin' TV.

1021
00:54:53,877 --> 00:54:57,297
It's so goddamn smart
that one time I was in there,

1022
00:54:57,381 --> 00:55:00,175
I had all the lights up because
we were gonna watch a movie,

1023
00:55:00,259 --> 00:55:03,345
but the TV's so smart,
as I'm pressing "on"…

1024
00:55:03,428 --> 00:55:05,264
which you don't even do.

1025
00:55:05,347 --> 00:55:06,515
Don't hit the "on" button.

1026
00:55:06,598 --> 00:55:10,143
You hit the "on" button, that fucks it up,
you gotta press two other buttons.

1027
00:55:10,227 --> 00:55:13,230
"Oh, is that what I gotta do?
Is that what I have to fuckin' do?"

1028
00:55:14,690 --> 00:55:17,067
"Don't scream like that."
"You're right, buddy."

1029
00:55:18,777 --> 00:55:22,656
This fuckin' thing, if the lights
are out, will not turn on,

1030
00:55:22,739 --> 00:55:25,117
'cause it's thinking,
"Well, the lights are out,

1031
00:55:25,200 --> 00:55:28,287
obviously nobody is in the room."

1032
00:55:28,370 --> 00:55:30,455
Well, maybe somebody's asleep
on the couch

1033
00:55:30,539 --> 00:55:32,457
and they rolled over onto the remote.

1034
00:55:32,541 --> 00:55:34,209
Meanwhile I'm standing in the dark,

1035
00:55:34,293 --> 00:55:38,630
"You're gonna turn on 'cause I fuckin'
bought you and I fuckin' said so," right?

1036
00:55:40,090 --> 00:55:41,758
So my kid comes running.

1037
00:55:42,551 --> 00:55:45,220
She's like, "Dada,
don't scream like that."

1038
00:55:45,304 --> 00:55:47,806
I'm like, "You're right, buddy.
I'm sorry."

1039
00:55:47,890 --> 00:55:49,892
She's like, "Dada,
why do you scream like that?"

1040
00:55:49,975 --> 00:55:52,102
"'Cause I paid
all this money for this TV."

1041
00:55:52,186 --> 00:55:54,146
"I wanna sit down
and watch the movie with you,

1042
00:55:54,229 --> 00:55:56,648
and every time I go to turn it on,
it won't turn on."

1043
00:55:56,732 --> 00:55:58,275
"It's always something."

1044
00:55:58,358 --> 00:56:00,402
So she put her little hand
on my shoulder,

1045
00:56:00,485 --> 00:56:04,406
she goes, "Dada, it's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay."

1046
00:56:04,489 --> 00:56:06,867
Right? I don't even think
she knows what that means.

1047
00:56:07,951 --> 00:56:11,163
I just think she knows when to say it,
because my wife always says that.

1048
00:56:11,246 --> 00:56:14,416
"Honey, it's gonna be okay, just relax.
We'll get you another balloon."

1049
00:56:14,499 --> 00:56:15,918
"We can get you another one."

1050
00:56:16,001 --> 00:56:17,127
So that's what she did.

1051
00:56:17,211 --> 00:56:19,504
She was just going,
"Dada, it's gonna be okay."

1052
00:56:19,588 --> 00:56:22,674
Right? She had that little
cute hand on my shoulder.

1053
00:56:22,758 --> 00:56:25,594
And I don't know, it just hit me,
I was just thinking like, yeah.

1054
00:56:26,595 --> 00:56:28,388
You're right,
it is going to be okay, right?

1055
00:56:29,306 --> 00:56:31,225
"I mean, I could turn the lights on."

1056
00:56:33,477 --> 00:56:35,187
"I can relax.
I don't even need to watch it."

1057
00:56:35,270 --> 00:56:38,023
"As long as I'm hanging out with you,
this is great."

1058
00:56:38,106 --> 00:56:41,735
It was like a profound moment for me
for like half a second.

1059
00:56:41,818 --> 00:56:45,239
Then another moment,
then I felt like a loser

1060
00:56:45,322 --> 00:56:48,438
'cause I'm like, how fucked up am I
that a four-and-a-half-year-old

1061
00:56:48,521 --> 00:56:52,412
is, like, my life coach,
like, dropping these truth bombs on me?

1062
00:56:56,833 --> 00:56:59,044
So… anyway.

1063
00:56:59,127 --> 00:57:03,549
So I'm going to try to stay sober
until I figure out…

1064
00:57:04,132 --> 00:57:06,552
Yeah, dude, it fuckin' sucks, though,
I'm not gonna lie to you.

1065
00:57:07,553 --> 00:57:10,597
Just every day, takin' life in the face.

1066
00:57:13,100 --> 00:57:14,685
Praying for sleep.

1067
00:57:14,768 --> 00:57:17,145
Oh, God, make it end.

1068
00:57:17,229 --> 00:57:19,314
Fuckin' hate these happy sober people.

1069
00:57:19,398 --> 00:57:23,026
"It's amazing, I feel so alive.
I have all this fuckin' energy."

1070
00:57:25,070 --> 00:57:27,030
How long does that take, you know?

1071
00:57:27,114 --> 00:57:30,617
I drink a milk shake once a week,
that's my big fucking thing.

1072
00:57:30,701 --> 00:57:33,245
Have a root beer float, oh, it's just sad.

1073
00:57:33,829 --> 00:57:34,913
It's just a sad thing,

1074
00:57:34,997 --> 00:57:37,583
like watching an old athlete
that can't run anymore.

1075
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:45,591
"I used to day drink, man, it was great."

1076
00:57:45,674 --> 00:57:46,717
So…

1077
00:57:47,467 --> 00:57:49,261
Anyway, um…

1078
00:57:49,344 --> 00:57:51,805
By the way, I haven't even mentioned
how blown away I am

1079
00:57:51,889 --> 00:57:53,182
that I'm playing in this place.

1080
00:57:53,265 --> 00:57:54,516
This is absolutely great.

1081
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:56,143
[audience cheering]

1082
00:57:56,226 --> 00:57:57,394
Yeah.

1083
00:58:02,357 --> 00:58:05,444
It's hilarious. You stay up here
for like an hour with this wind,

1084
00:58:05,527 --> 00:58:07,196
your fuckin' lips get all chapped.

1085
00:58:07,279 --> 00:58:09,531
It's like you're standing
on the front of a boat.

1086
00:58:11,825 --> 00:58:15,120
So, anyway, let's end
with a couple of silly ones here.

1087
00:58:15,913 --> 00:58:17,164
We'll be on our way, right?

1088
00:58:17,247 --> 00:58:20,292
Let's see what I did.
All right, I'm doing good here.

1089
00:58:20,375 --> 00:58:22,711
All right, so, here's a good one for you.

1090
00:58:22,794 --> 00:58:23,962
A couple of years ago,

1091
00:58:24,046 --> 00:58:27,549
before all this stupid fuckin'
pandemic shit started,

1092
00:58:28,675 --> 00:58:30,469
Mother Nature's half-assed attempt

1093
00:58:30,552 --> 00:58:32,763
to get rid of the amount of people
she needs to get rid of,

1094
00:58:32,846 --> 00:58:36,225
you know, just procrastinating,
treating it like a term paper.

1095
00:58:36,850 --> 00:58:37,935
Um…

1096
00:58:38,977 --> 00:58:42,689
I was in New York, I had an acting gig.
I was playing a fireman.

1097
00:58:42,773 --> 00:58:45,943
All right, now,
I'm not the best actor, right?

1098
00:58:46,026 --> 00:58:46,944
Some of you saw it.

1099
00:58:47,027 --> 00:58:49,279
I hope you paid for it,
you cheap bastards.

1100
00:58:50,322 --> 00:58:52,866
You all watched it for free, you bastards.

1101
00:58:53,450 --> 00:58:56,537
So, anyways, I'm not the best actor,
so I have to look the part,

1102
00:58:56,620 --> 00:59:00,832
so I grew this giant fireman mustache,
big stupid fireman mustache,

1103
00:59:00,916 --> 00:59:04,211
which looked great when I was wearing
the whole fireman getup,

1104
00:59:04,294 --> 00:59:05,921
and they put the fake dirt on my face.

1105
00:59:06,004 --> 00:59:09,758
I looked like I'd been
fighting fires for 20 years, right?

1106
00:59:09,842 --> 00:59:12,469
However, the second
I took off the costume

1107
00:59:12,553 --> 00:59:15,430
and they cleaned off my face
and I put on my regular clothes,

1108
00:59:15,514 --> 00:59:18,725
I immediately just looked
like some sad old queen

1109
00:59:18,809 --> 00:59:21,061
that never found love, right?

1110
00:59:22,479 --> 00:59:27,609
And as luck would have it,
I was in New York City in June,

1111
00:59:27,693 --> 00:59:31,488
which I quickly found out
was Gay Pride Month.

1112
00:59:31,572 --> 00:59:33,156
The whole month.

1113
00:59:33,240 --> 00:59:37,035
And let me tell you something,
the gay guys show up strong.

1114
00:59:37,119 --> 00:59:41,164
It is wall-to-wall, the fuckin' island
is almost tipping over,

1115
00:59:41,248 --> 00:59:42,374
there's so many of them.

1116
00:59:42,457 --> 00:59:45,168
And I'm sitting there going,
"Oh, my God."

1117
00:59:45,252 --> 00:59:47,337
Thirty days of this shit.

1118
00:59:47,421 --> 00:59:48,881
I'm walking around with this orange

1119
00:59:48,964 --> 00:59:52,384
Freddie Mercury fuckin' dick broom
on my face.

1120
00:59:53,385 --> 00:59:56,805
I am gonna be getting harassed
up and down the street.

1121
00:59:56,889 --> 01:00:00,267
I was in actor shape, man,
I was fuckin' shredded.

1122
01:00:03,478 --> 01:00:08,358
I gotta tell you something, man,
when I tell you 30 days of June,

1123
01:00:08,442 --> 01:00:12,112
not one gay guy
even fuckin' looked at me.

1124
01:00:13,405 --> 01:00:15,282
Forget about even hit on me.

1125
01:00:15,365 --> 01:00:21,455
I have never felt so old
and undesirable in my life.

1126
01:00:21,538 --> 01:00:24,374
Dude, I'm gonna tell you something,
there's one thing as a man

1127
01:00:24,458 --> 01:00:27,502
when you get so old
that women don't look at you anymore.

1128
01:00:27,586 --> 01:00:30,589
Like, you know you're gonna hit that age,
you know that day's coming,

1129
01:00:30,672 --> 01:00:33,717
but nobody tells you, at some point,
you're gonna get so old,

1130
01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:36,637
not even a man wants to fuck you, right?

1131
01:00:37,471 --> 01:00:38,722
Dude, that is a statement.

1132
01:00:38,805 --> 01:00:42,309
When you get so old,
some queen in his sixties is,

1133
01:00:42,392 --> 01:00:44,269
"Keep it movin',
I can do better than that."

1134
01:00:44,353 --> 01:00:45,479
"Jesus Christ."

1135
01:00:45,562 --> 01:00:48,857
"Get some fuckin' hair plugs or something.
Get a spray tan."

1136
01:00:48,941 --> 01:00:52,528
"I can get someone in his forties.
Come on, keep going."

1137
01:00:52,611 --> 01:00:55,072
Dude, I was having
this fuckin' panic attack.

1138
01:00:55,155 --> 01:00:58,367
I was thinking like, "Oh, my God,
I waited too long to get married."

1139
01:00:58,450 --> 01:01:00,744
"I had kids too late,
I'm gonna die soon."

1140
01:01:00,827 --> 01:01:03,372
I was literally wrapping up
my life, you know?

1141
01:01:03,455 --> 01:01:07,834
So I'm walking down like Ninth Avenue,
putting a little swish in my fuckin' step,

1142
01:01:07,918 --> 01:01:09,253
just tryin' to get something.

1143
01:01:09,336 --> 01:01:10,295
I was desperate.

1144
01:01:10,379 --> 01:01:12,881
Fuck you, ladies, you've been there.
You know how it is.

1145
01:01:13,841 --> 01:01:16,718
You wanna think you got
one more in ya, you know?

1146
01:01:17,594 --> 01:01:20,055
So I'm tra-la-la-ing down the street.

1147
01:01:24,935 --> 01:01:26,895
I really wish that wasn't the truth.

1148
01:01:26,979 --> 01:01:30,232
So I'm going down Ninth Avenue,
and all of the sudden I looked up,

1149
01:01:30,315 --> 01:01:33,443
and about two blocks away,
I see this lesbian coming up the block.

1150
01:01:33,527 --> 01:01:36,280
Okay? Now, I know
this is Boulder, Colorado, right?

1151
01:01:36,363 --> 01:01:40,409
So you guys are all like,
"Fuckin', hey, man, you know?"

1152
01:01:41,577 --> 01:01:45,080
Like, "How did you, like,
know she was a lesbian, man?"

1153
01:01:45,163 --> 01:01:46,290
"Like, that's not cool."

1154
01:01:46,373 --> 01:01:49,209
"You just looked at her and
you just knew she was a lesbian?"

1155
01:01:49,918 --> 01:01:52,045
"You don't know her, how did you just…"

1156
01:01:52,754 --> 01:01:54,798
"How do you just know
somebody's a lesbian?"

1157
01:01:55,424 --> 01:01:56,633
Easy.

1158
01:01:58,051 --> 01:01:59,678
The same way you do.

1159
01:02:03,182 --> 01:02:05,309
The same way other lesbians do.

1160
01:02:06,143 --> 01:02:07,686
It's not calculus.

1161
01:02:09,396 --> 01:02:13,150
No, but I understand in 2021,
you're not allowed to say

1162
01:02:13,233 --> 01:02:16,028
you know
"what a lesbian looks like," right?

1163
01:02:16,904 --> 01:02:19,489
Judging by your silence, yes, right?

1164
01:02:20,324 --> 01:02:21,867
Yeah, you're not allowed, right?

1165
01:02:21,950 --> 01:02:25,412
What's funny, if some white kid
came in here, like 20 years old,

1166
01:02:25,495 --> 01:02:28,582
hair slicked back, collar popped,
loafers, no socks,

1167
01:02:28,665 --> 01:02:31,752
you'd be looking at him thinking,
"All right, frat boy, date rapist."

1168
01:02:31,835 --> 01:02:34,087
"His dad's a judge.
He's not going to jail."

1169
01:02:34,171 --> 01:02:37,883
"Yeah. Just killed five people
in a drinking-and-driving accident."

1170
01:02:37,966 --> 01:02:40,761
"Already has a new
Dodge Challenger on the way."

1171
01:02:40,844 --> 01:02:41,970
Right?

1172
01:02:42,471 --> 01:02:46,183
Yeah, you're allowed to see that,
that you can see.

1173
01:02:46,266 --> 01:02:47,643
Clear as day.

1174
01:02:49,394 --> 01:02:50,854
Lesbian.

1175
01:02:52,189 --> 01:02:53,815
I have no idea.

1176
01:02:55,150 --> 01:02:58,403
No, but that's how progressive
you guys are.

1177
01:02:58,487 --> 01:02:59,571
Right?

1178
01:03:00,364 --> 01:03:03,075
You don't have any idea.

1179
01:03:03,158 --> 01:03:04,243
Right?

1180
01:03:04,826 --> 01:03:06,328
Like, let's play a game.

1181
01:03:06,870 --> 01:03:08,830
I'll just name different people you see

1182
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:12,793
and see the slides
that come into your head, right?

1183
01:03:14,586 --> 01:03:15,963
Construction worker.

1184
01:03:16,713 --> 01:03:18,048
Sports fan.

1185
01:03:19,216 --> 01:03:20,259
Painter.

1186
01:03:21,176 --> 01:03:22,302
Skateboarder.

1187
01:03:23,095 --> 01:03:24,304
Lesbian.

1188
01:03:25,472 --> 01:03:26,890
Right? It all goes blank.

1189
01:03:28,976 --> 01:03:30,561
Is that a lesbian?

1190
01:03:30,644 --> 01:03:32,020
Am I a…?

1191
01:03:34,064 --> 01:03:36,942
I mean, I have gay friends,
but I've never noticed

1192
01:03:37,025 --> 01:03:39,319
any sort of a throughline.

1193
01:03:40,237 --> 01:03:43,240
Listen, people, I'm not saying
all lesbians look alike.

1194
01:03:43,323 --> 01:03:45,993
I would never say
some ignorant shit like that.

1195
01:03:46,076 --> 01:03:49,246
However, I am saying, though,

1196
01:03:49,329 --> 01:03:52,207
every once in a while,
there's a fucking layup.

1197
01:03:52,291 --> 01:03:53,375
Right?

1198
01:03:54,918 --> 01:03:58,505
Flattop, wallet chain,
fuckin' walking up the street.

1199
01:03:59,214 --> 01:04:00,090
Right?

1200
01:04:01,008 --> 01:04:05,512
But even then, I'm not saying 100%.

1201
01:04:05,596 --> 01:04:08,348
But gun to my head, I gotta go lesbian.

1202
01:04:09,224 --> 01:04:10,350
Gotta go lesbian.

1203
01:04:10,434 --> 01:04:13,103
Final answer, final answer,
show me "lesbian."

1204
01:04:13,854 --> 01:04:14,771
Right?

1205
01:04:16,732 --> 01:04:18,275
So, anyway…

1206
01:04:18,859 --> 01:04:21,612
She's fuckin' walkin' up the street.

1207
01:04:22,529 --> 01:04:24,156
I'm comin' down, right?

1208
01:04:25,991 --> 01:04:27,743
And it's clear to me

1209
01:04:29,203 --> 01:04:32,915
that if we keep walking the way we're
walking, we're gonna bump into each other.

1210
01:04:32,998 --> 01:04:34,750
I don't wanna bump into a woman,

1211
01:04:34,833 --> 01:04:36,960
I don't want to bump
into anybody in New York,

1212
01:04:37,044 --> 01:04:38,587
so I do the gentlemanly thing.

1213
01:04:38,670 --> 01:04:40,214
I clock what's going on,

1214
01:04:40,297 --> 01:04:43,050
so I just gradually
shift over into my lane.

1215
01:04:43,133 --> 01:04:46,345
Now everything's fine, right?
But then the weirdest thing happened.

1216
01:04:46,428 --> 01:04:48,931
We walk like another 30 yards,
and all of the sudden,

1217
01:04:49,014 --> 01:04:51,141
she drifts back into my lane again.

1218
01:04:51,225 --> 01:04:54,728
And I'm sitting there walking like,
"Wow, that was kind of crazy."

1219
01:04:56,522 --> 01:04:58,148
"Thought I solved this problem."

1220
01:04:58,732 --> 01:05:01,318
All right, so I fuckin' dip
into another lane again.

1221
01:05:01,401 --> 01:05:05,989
Okay, I'm walking, we go another 30 yards,
she comes back into my lane again.

1222
01:05:06,073 --> 01:05:08,408
So now I'm up against the curb.

1223
01:05:08,492 --> 01:05:11,995
So now I'm thinking, how do I do
the politically correct math here?

1224
01:05:12,079 --> 01:05:13,664
What am I supposed to be doing here?

1225
01:05:13,747 --> 01:05:17,459
Am I supposed to step off
into the bike lane

1226
01:05:17,543 --> 01:05:20,963
and have some young kid
on his electric bicycle come by,

1227
01:05:21,046 --> 01:05:23,215
forty miles an hour, run me over,

1228
01:05:23,298 --> 01:05:25,592
I go down to the pavement,
knees and elbows?

1229
01:05:25,676 --> 01:05:27,761
And for the rest of my life,
every time it rains,

1230
01:05:27,845 --> 01:05:30,639
I gotta think about this lesbian
that walked me off the fuckin' block?

1231
01:05:31,181 --> 01:05:32,558
Is that what I'm supposed to do?

1232
01:05:33,475 --> 01:05:35,686
Am I supposed to give up
the whole sidewalk?

1233
01:05:35,769 --> 01:05:38,730
Like, "Oh, your gayness!"

1234
01:05:38,814 --> 01:05:39,815
Right?

1235
01:05:41,441 --> 01:05:45,320
Or do I stiffen up my shoulder

1236
01:05:46,405 --> 01:05:47,865
and protect my lane?

1237
01:05:47,948 --> 01:05:48,907
Right?

1238
01:05:49,950 --> 01:05:54,204
Now, I'm not proud of this,
but I chose the latter, all right?

1239
01:05:54,997 --> 01:05:57,958
I was like, "Look, I'm 53."

1240
01:05:58,041 --> 01:06:01,920
"I moved twice. I have an AARP card.
I'm the fuckin' victim here."

1241
01:06:02,004 --> 01:06:03,547
So…

1242
01:06:03,630 --> 01:06:08,093
I stiffen up the shoulder and immediately
I'm thinking this is gonna get crazy.

1243
01:06:08,177 --> 01:06:10,846
I've never done this with a female before.

1244
01:06:10,929 --> 01:06:13,891
This is in public, people are gonna
see this shit, what's gonna happen?

1245
01:06:13,974 --> 01:06:16,643
But I'm not going to lie,
she started closing in, she was moving,

1246
01:06:16,727 --> 01:06:20,480
so I like leaned in,
like I really got my legs underneath me,

1247
01:06:20,564 --> 01:06:23,775
'cause she was built like a janitor
and I was not gonna get spun around.

1248
01:06:23,859 --> 01:06:25,485
I wasn't gettin' spun around.

1249
01:06:25,569 --> 01:06:27,905
Not having that
on the fuckin' logbook, right?

1250
01:06:27,988 --> 01:06:30,741
So I lean into this shit,
and at the last second,

1251
01:06:30,824 --> 01:06:33,619
she turned her shoulder
and we just missed shoulders,

1252
01:06:33,702 --> 01:06:35,746
but our forearms still slapped together

1253
01:06:35,829 --> 01:06:40,209
with significant enough force
that it warranted a turnaround.

1254
01:06:41,501 --> 01:06:43,587
Okay? Now, I know most of you guys drive,

1255
01:06:43,670 --> 01:06:48,467
so I will break down pedestrian etiquette
really quickly in New York City.

1256
01:06:48,550 --> 01:06:51,136
This is the deal, if you're walking
down the street in New York,

1257
01:06:51,220 --> 01:06:53,805
you're walking and you just sort of
brush sleeves with somebody,

1258
01:06:53,889 --> 01:06:55,057
you don't have to stop.

1259
01:06:55,140 --> 01:06:57,768
Just look over your shoulder,
"Sorry, man, my bad, have a nice day."

1260
01:06:57,851 --> 01:07:01,313
Right? Then there's the next level.
Moves up a little bit.

1261
01:07:01,396 --> 01:07:04,024
You're walking down the street,
you actually bump into somebody,

1262
01:07:04,107 --> 01:07:06,568
you actually have to turn around,
"Sorry, I didn't see you."

1263
01:07:06,652 --> 01:07:08,987
A little dojo bow, "My bad."

1264
01:07:09,071 --> 01:07:11,782
Whatever you have to do… "My sensei"…

1265
01:07:11,865 --> 01:07:13,825
to keep it from escalating.

1266
01:07:14,743 --> 01:07:16,119
And then there's the last one.

1267
01:07:16,203 --> 01:07:19,456
You're just walking down the street
and you hit so fuckin' hard,

1268
01:07:19,540 --> 01:07:22,918
you gotta turn around and go like
old-school Dustin Hoffman-De Niro,

1269
01:07:23,001 --> 01:07:26,213
like, "Hey, I'm fuckin' walkin' here!
Huh?"

1270
01:07:26,296 --> 01:07:28,632
"I fuckin' moved twice,
you didn't see that?"

1271
01:07:28,715 --> 01:07:31,051
"You drifted two times, huh?"

1272
01:07:31,134 --> 01:07:34,429
So I turn around
to have this confrontation,

1273
01:07:34,513 --> 01:07:38,267
and let me tell you something,
she never looked back.

1274
01:07:40,185 --> 01:07:42,604
And I'm not gonna lie to you,
that bugged me.

1275
01:07:44,231 --> 01:07:46,108
That bugged me for like three days.

1276
01:07:49,152 --> 01:07:51,280
Three days, I'm just walking
around New York,

1277
01:07:51,363 --> 01:07:52,823
"Goddamn fuckin' bullshit,

1278
01:07:52,906 --> 01:07:55,534
there's no fuckin' way
you didn't do that on purpose!"

1279
01:07:55,617 --> 01:07:57,202
"Who does that, who drifts?" You know?

1280
01:07:57,286 --> 01:08:00,372
And I'm feeling this anger,
it's just burning me up,

1281
01:08:00,455 --> 01:08:02,958
and I know eventually
it's gonna settle in my chest,

1282
01:08:03,041 --> 01:08:05,961
and then one more time it's gonna be,
"I sorry, Dada, I sorry."

1283
01:08:06,044 --> 01:08:09,590
It's like I can't do this to my daughter,
I can't do this to my kids.

1284
01:08:09,673 --> 01:08:12,301
So I started reading up on anger.

1285
01:08:12,384 --> 01:08:14,803
Like, "how to let go of this,"
I think is what I Googled.

1286
01:08:16,805 --> 01:08:18,098
And I found empathy.

1287
01:08:18,182 --> 01:08:21,602
If you have empathy for somebody,
you put yourself in their shoes,

1288
01:08:21,685 --> 01:08:24,146
you can just, you know, figure out

1289
01:08:24,229 --> 01:08:27,191
where they're coming from, where
you're coming from, meet in the middle,

1290
01:08:27,274 --> 01:08:30,444
so I said, here we go,
let me put myself in her shoes.

1291
01:08:30,527 --> 01:08:35,365
What would cause somebody to accidentally
drift into your lane twice?

1292
01:08:35,449 --> 01:08:37,701
You know, so I just started
throwing shit on the wall.

1293
01:08:37,784 --> 01:08:40,370
Did she have a clubfoot? No.

1294
01:08:40,454 --> 01:08:41,705
Did she just have a stroke?

1295
01:08:41,788 --> 01:08:45,209
Did she have Bell's palsy
of her left side? You know?

1296
01:08:45,959 --> 01:08:48,420
Was she a mummy?
Did she have a wooden leg?

1297
01:08:48,503 --> 01:08:51,840
You know? Is she one
of those fuckin' diagonal walkers?

1298
01:08:51,924 --> 01:08:54,468
You get behind them at the airport,
they're walkin' too slow,

1299
01:08:54,551 --> 01:08:57,888
you go around to the right, they start
dragging their suitcase over there.

1300
01:08:57,971 --> 01:09:00,432
You go over to the left,
they're coming back this way, you know?

1301
01:09:00,516 --> 01:09:02,017
It's like they just got off a ship.

1302
01:09:02,100 --> 01:09:05,938
And everything was just like,
no, no, no, cut! Right?

1303
01:09:06,021 --> 01:09:07,481
And I was still mad.

1304
01:09:07,564 --> 01:09:09,942
I was still fuckin' mad.

1305
01:09:11,818 --> 01:09:14,321
So I said, "Who gives a shit?
I don't give a fuck."

1306
01:09:14,863 --> 01:09:17,157
Lied to myself,
said I didn't give a fuck, you know?

1307
01:09:17,241 --> 01:09:19,368
So then I ended up going home.

1308
01:09:19,451 --> 01:09:22,829
Then I'm washing the dishes,
which is a very Zen-like thing to do.

1309
01:09:22,913 --> 01:09:25,666
It's a week later, you wash dishes,
you're not thinking of anything.

1310
01:09:25,749 --> 01:09:27,918
Your brain is empty,
I'm washing the dishes,

1311
01:09:28,001 --> 01:09:30,921
and then all of the sudden,
the answer just came to me.

1312
01:09:31,004 --> 01:09:34,049
It just floated into my head,
and I just looked up.

1313
01:09:34,132 --> 01:09:37,761
I was like, "Oh, my God.
I know why she did it."

1314
01:09:39,596 --> 01:09:41,723
I know why she bumped into me.

1315
01:09:43,851 --> 01:09:47,729
She bumped into me
because she's a lesbian.

1316
01:09:55,696 --> 01:09:56,989
It was right there.

1317
01:09:57,072 --> 01:09:59,908
I was, like, looking nine miles down
the street, looking under shrubs.

1318
01:09:59,992 --> 01:10:01,869
It was right in front of my face.

1319
01:10:01,952 --> 01:10:05,664
She did it because she's a lesbian.

1320
01:10:08,667 --> 01:10:12,129
All right, so judging
by most of your silence,

1321
01:10:12,880 --> 01:10:14,673
I will do this math for you, come on.

1322
01:10:16,717 --> 01:10:18,260
Let's have a little empathy here.

1323
01:10:18,343 --> 01:10:22,014
Put yourself in a lesbian's shoes,
all right?

1324
01:10:23,348 --> 01:10:24,892
Who do lesbians date?

1325
01:10:24,975 --> 01:10:25,976
Women.

1326
01:10:27,519 --> 01:10:30,063
Who do they move in with? Women.

1327
01:10:30,147 --> 01:10:32,482
Who do they get in relationships with?
Women.

1328
01:10:32,566 --> 01:10:34,818
Who do they eventually marry? Women.

1329
01:10:34,902 --> 01:10:38,238
And I was thinking like,
"Oh, my God. I did that."

1330
01:10:38,322 --> 01:10:40,657
I know what the fuck that's like.

1331
01:10:40,741 --> 01:10:43,535
I know what it's like to live
with one of those fuckin' things.

1332
01:10:44,661 --> 01:10:46,538
I know exactly what that-- it's hopeless.

1333
01:10:47,206 --> 01:10:48,248
Trying to make them happy.

1334
01:10:48,332 --> 01:10:51,877
"Hey, I bought you this shiny thing.
Did I do it right, huh?"

1335
01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:55,005
Trying to get them
to take responsibility for their actions.

1336
01:10:55,088 --> 01:10:56,381
Not gonna happen.

1337
01:10:57,049 --> 01:10:59,635
The best you're gonna get is,
"I'm sorry, but…"

1338
01:11:01,303 --> 01:11:04,181
I know what it's like to be winning
a fuckin' argument, you're winning,

1339
01:11:04,264 --> 01:11:07,434
and then they turn it around,
they're crying, you're apologizing.

1340
01:11:07,518 --> 01:11:09,269
You're thinking,
what the fuck just happened?

1341
01:11:09,353 --> 01:11:12,231
How am I losing this shit?
I had you on the ropes.

1342
01:11:12,314 --> 01:11:14,900
You feel so dumb,
you got to go for a walk.

1343
01:11:14,983 --> 01:11:16,151
And you're just thinking,

1344
01:11:16,235 --> 01:11:18,028
how did I lose again?

1345
01:11:18,111 --> 01:11:19,154
How did I lose again?

1346
01:11:19,696 --> 01:11:22,950
And then you figure it out,
it makes you feel stupid,

1347
01:11:23,033 --> 01:11:26,161
and then you see some bald idiot
with a giant orange mustache,

1348
01:11:26,245 --> 01:11:29,289
you're like, "You know what,
why don't you take some of that shit?"

1349
01:11:31,250 --> 01:11:33,377
"You take some of that fuckin' anger."

1350
01:11:33,460 --> 01:11:34,336
Yeah.

1351
01:11:37,089 --> 01:11:40,926
I feel so stupid
that I got mad at that woman.

1352
01:11:41,009 --> 01:11:43,595
I shouldn't have got mad at her,
I should have bought her a beer.

1353
01:11:44,555 --> 01:11:46,974
And just listen to her troubles
and had empathy

1354
01:11:47,057 --> 01:11:50,394
and be like, "It's not your fault.
You married a woman, I did it too."

1355
01:11:50,477 --> 01:11:53,146
"You're not gonna win.
There's no winning this."

1356
01:11:54,565 --> 01:11:59,152
Yeah. I'm telling you, if you don't
believe me, do a little people-watching.

1357
01:11:59,236 --> 01:12:01,697
Take a look at the look
on the average lesbian's face.

1358
01:12:02,489 --> 01:12:05,367
I don't mean a lesbian in her twenties,
she's got her life ahead of her,

1359
01:12:05,450 --> 01:12:07,703
she's got Christmas in her eyes, right?

1360
01:12:07,786 --> 01:12:12,124
I mean, a lesbian about 35, 36,

1361
01:12:12,207 --> 01:12:16,253
starting to settle in
to what the deal's gonna be, right?

1362
01:12:16,336 --> 01:12:20,007
And then look across the bar,
find a married guy about the same age.

1363
01:12:20,090 --> 01:12:21,758
Look at the look on his face.

1364
01:12:22,509 --> 01:12:25,304
Look at the look on her face,
go back to his face.

1365
01:12:25,387 --> 01:12:27,055
It's the same fuckin' look.

1366
01:12:28,515 --> 01:12:30,601
Yeah. And then look at gay guys.

1367
01:12:30,684 --> 01:12:33,645
Some of the happiest people
I've ever met in my life.

1368
01:12:34,938 --> 01:12:37,316
They're almost too happy.
It's like, "Hey, how's it going?"

1369
01:12:37,399 --> 01:12:38,734
They're like, "Hi!"

1370
01:12:39,276 --> 01:12:41,695
Almost floating across the room

1371
01:12:41,778 --> 01:12:46,074
with that lack of estrogen
just yanking down your fuckin' dreams.

1372
01:12:48,327 --> 01:12:49,369
No.

1373
01:12:49,453 --> 01:12:51,705
Now, look, it might be a front.

1374
01:12:52,456 --> 01:12:55,959
I'm not saying all gay guys
are just blissfully happy,

1375
01:12:56,043 --> 01:12:59,880
but it's looking like
a pretty good time to me.

1376
01:13:00,672 --> 01:13:04,218
Dude, they're some of the most positive
people I've ever met in my life.

1377
01:13:04,301 --> 01:13:06,053
Any idea you have, they support it.

1378
01:13:06,136 --> 01:13:09,431
They're just like, "Yes, yes, queen, yes!"

1379
01:13:09,515 --> 01:13:12,851
"You're fierce, you can do it!"

1380
01:13:12,935 --> 01:13:15,896
Lesbians are up in the bar
like a bunch of jaded cops.

1381
01:13:15,979 --> 01:13:17,981
"It's all fuckin' bullshit."

1382
01:13:18,065 --> 01:13:19,775
"What the fuck was I thinking?"

1383
01:13:19,858 --> 01:13:23,904
"U-Hauling after ten days, moving in.
What the fuck was I thinking?"

1384
01:13:24,905 --> 01:13:26,240
"She's crazy!"

1385
01:13:28,951 --> 01:13:32,079
No, I'm telling you,
I think married men and lesbians

1386
01:13:32,162 --> 01:13:34,164
need to start hanging out more,

1387
01:13:34,248 --> 01:13:37,960
and we gotta put our heads together
and try to solve our common problem,

1388
01:13:38,043 --> 01:13:39,795
the women in our lives.

1389
01:13:39,878 --> 01:13:42,631
So we can somehow attain
the perceived happiness

1390
01:13:42,714 --> 01:13:44,424
of the average gay dude out there.

1391
01:13:45,592 --> 01:13:50,055
Yeah. So, if you believe in that shit,
I'll give you some advice.

1392
01:13:50,138 --> 01:13:53,809
If you're gonna expand
your fuckin' world of friends,

1393
01:13:53,892 --> 01:13:55,018
I'll give you some advice.

1394
01:13:55,102 --> 01:13:57,479
You can't just hang out with any lesbian.

1395
01:13:58,063 --> 01:14:01,066
All right? You gotta make sure
you're hanging out with the dude

1396
01:14:01,149 --> 01:14:03,443
in the relationship, right?

1397
01:14:03,527 --> 01:14:06,196
And by "dude," I'm not saying she's manly,
I'm not being ignorant.

1398
01:14:06,280 --> 01:14:11,326
By "dude," I just mean she's the one
that gets blamed for most of the shit.

1399
01:14:11,410 --> 01:14:12,327
Right?

1400
01:14:12,411 --> 01:14:14,621
'Cause no relationship is balanced.

1401
01:14:14,705 --> 01:14:16,748
Somebody is getting away with more.

1402
01:14:16,832 --> 01:14:19,918
Somebody's drafting behind the other.
It's like a bike race.

1403
01:14:20,002 --> 01:14:23,171
Somebody else is taking
the fuckin' weather in the face.

1404
01:14:23,255 --> 01:14:24,673
[imitates fanfare]

1405
01:14:24,756 --> 01:14:25,632
Right?

1406
01:14:25,716 --> 01:14:27,718
Somebody else is fuckin' right behind.

1407
01:14:27,801 --> 01:14:29,344
"Oh, yeah, it really is wet."

1408
01:14:29,428 --> 01:14:31,513
Just kind of hiding
under your fuckin' poncho.

1409
01:14:32,139 --> 01:14:36,226
Male-female, female-female, they-they,
whatever the fuck it is you're into.

1410
01:14:36,310 --> 01:14:39,646
Every relationship, there's the person
that does the dishes

1411
01:14:39,730 --> 01:14:41,565
and the person that lets them soak.

1412
01:14:41,648 --> 01:14:42,858
Right?

1413
01:14:44,484 --> 01:14:47,654
They don't let them soak.
They know you're gonna do 'em.

1414
01:14:47,738 --> 01:14:49,031
They're just waitin' you out.

1415
01:14:49,114 --> 01:14:51,200
After a while,
you can't fuckin' take it anymore.

1416
01:14:51,283 --> 01:14:53,952
They're just sitting there.
You gotta go start doing them.

1417
01:14:54,036 --> 01:14:54,995
Then what do they do?

1418
01:14:55,078 --> 01:14:57,915
They sit in the other room and wait,
like they don't know what you're doing,

1419
01:14:57,998 --> 01:15:01,418
and wait till they hear pots and pans,
and that's when the show starts.

1420
01:15:01,501 --> 01:15:03,670
That's when they come
running in like, "What?"

1421
01:15:04,338 --> 01:15:06,006
"I was gonna do those!"

1422
01:15:07,674 --> 01:15:10,719
And you're like, "No, you weren't.
They've been sitting here eight hours."

1423
01:15:10,802 --> 01:15:14,139
"I got my hands in room-temperature water
with scrambled eggs floating around."

1424
01:15:14,223 --> 01:15:16,391
"Don't gaslight me,
you're a fuckin' animal."

1425
01:15:16,475 --> 01:15:18,435
"You were raised by animals,
get out of my sight."

1426
01:15:20,395 --> 01:15:23,440
"Don't yell at me!" Right?

1427
01:15:24,149 --> 01:15:25,275
Yes.

1428
01:15:25,359 --> 01:15:27,778
Every relationship has the person

1429
01:15:27,861 --> 01:15:31,031
that will take the trash bag
out of the trash barrel

1430
01:15:31,114 --> 01:15:32,491
and do a little…

1431
01:15:33,367 --> 01:15:36,745
Tie it off and then leave it
slumped against the counter.

1432
01:15:36,828 --> 01:15:39,998
Like it took two behind the ear
in a mob hit, just…

1433
01:15:40,958 --> 01:15:43,919
And then there's the person
that actually picks it up

1434
01:15:44,002 --> 01:15:48,674
and takes it out to the curb at night
and puts it in the trash can, right?

1435
01:15:49,424 --> 01:15:51,176
My wife's hilarious, I love her,

1436
01:15:51,260 --> 01:15:53,679
but she's got some
of the worst excuses ever.

1437
01:15:53,762 --> 01:15:55,430
"Why don't you ever take out the trash?"

1438
01:15:55,514 --> 01:15:58,100
She goes, "I would,
I'm just afraid of coyotes."

1439
01:16:00,394 --> 01:16:01,603
"I'm afraid of the coyotes."

1440
01:16:01,687 --> 01:16:04,565
It's like, "So am I! So am I!"

1441
01:16:05,440 --> 01:16:06,733
"They're rabid dogs."

1442
01:16:06,817 --> 01:16:09,027
"They hunt in packs of twos and threes."

1443
01:16:13,532 --> 01:16:15,826
"You don't do it
'cause you don't wanna do it

1444
01:16:15,909 --> 01:16:19,288
'cause you know I'm gonna do it,
just get the fuck away from me, please."

1445
01:16:19,371 --> 01:16:20,831
I'm telling you…

1446
01:16:21,665 --> 01:16:23,000
So, anyway…

1447
01:16:24,418 --> 01:16:27,087
I know I said
a lot of divisive shit here tonight,

1448
01:16:27,170 --> 01:16:30,716
so before I get out of here,
before I get out of here,

1449
01:16:30,799 --> 01:16:31,967
I want to…

1450
01:16:33,218 --> 01:16:35,095
Let's bring the room together.

1451
01:16:36,180 --> 01:16:38,557
It's a very divisive time.

1452
01:16:39,266 --> 01:16:40,809
Everyone wants to feel safe.

1453
01:16:40,893 --> 01:16:44,396
Let's do a nice, normal, mainstream topic,

1454
01:16:44,479 --> 01:16:47,149
so everybody can drive home happy,
no fights, all right?

1455
01:16:47,232 --> 01:16:48,817
Sound good? All right, great.

1456
01:16:48,901 --> 01:16:52,112
Let's talk abortion. There you go.

1457
01:16:52,196 --> 01:16:54,531
Everybody has an opinion.

1458
01:16:56,408 --> 01:16:57,784
"It's my body, it's my right."

1459
01:16:57,868 --> 01:17:00,454
"Well, then fuckin' drive
to Arkansas, bitch!"

1460
01:17:00,537 --> 01:17:03,457
Right? Everybody has an opinion.

1461
01:17:04,750 --> 01:17:09,338
As do I, and I apologize
that you're gonna have to listen to mine.

1462
01:17:09,421 --> 01:17:12,382
Because… I'm gonna tell you right now.

1463
01:17:12,466 --> 01:17:16,595
I have a really weird take on abortion.

1464
01:17:16,678 --> 01:17:18,847
I'm gonna tell you that
right from the get-go, okay?

1465
01:17:18,931 --> 01:17:22,267
I'm 100% pro-choice, always have been.

1466
01:17:22,351 --> 01:17:25,229
-[women cheering]
-Ladies, I said it was weird.

1467
01:17:25,312 --> 01:17:28,899
For the love of God.
Stop getting in the trunk in the car.

1468
01:17:30,400 --> 01:17:31,777
Wait till the end.

1469
01:17:31,860 --> 01:17:33,779
You're supposed to vet me first.

1470
01:17:35,531 --> 01:17:38,408
Whoo! Fuckin' feet out the sunroof.

1471
01:17:40,702 --> 01:17:42,287
I said I had a weird take.

1472
01:17:46,124 --> 01:17:48,210
Pro-choice always made sense to me

1473
01:17:48,293 --> 01:17:50,128
'cause I don't like people
telling me what to do,

1474
01:17:50,212 --> 01:17:52,047
and I was just like, it's your body.

1475
01:17:52,130 --> 01:17:55,676
Who the fuck am I to tell you
what to do with your body?

1476
01:17:55,759 --> 01:17:58,053
So that always made sense. All right?

1477
01:17:58,136 --> 01:18:01,557
However, I still think
you're killing a baby.

1478
01:18:02,599 --> 01:18:05,435
See? That's where it gets weird.

1479
01:18:05,519 --> 01:18:08,814
Like, I sit on the fence
and the whole thing makes sense to me.

1480
01:18:08,897 --> 01:18:11,525
When anybody's saying, like,
"Don't tell me what to do."

1481
01:18:11,608 --> 01:18:13,068
"It's my body, my choice."

1482
01:18:13,151 --> 01:18:15,571
That's right, man, she's right.
Leave her the hell alone.

1483
01:18:15,654 --> 01:18:17,197
"Well, you're killin' a baby!"

1484
01:18:17,281 --> 01:18:19,533
Well, I mean, there is that. You know?

1485
01:18:22,244 --> 01:18:23,495
If we're gonna be honest,

1486
01:18:23,579 --> 01:18:25,706
that is the whole purpose
of the procedure.

1487
01:18:26,415 --> 01:18:29,126
You're not going in there
'cause you got an earache.

1488
01:18:30,210 --> 01:18:32,379
You're going in there
'cause "I got a baby in me,

1489
01:18:32,462 --> 01:18:34,173
get it the fuck out of there!"

1490
01:18:34,256 --> 01:18:38,552
Right? You walk in with the baby,
you come out without one.

1491
01:18:38,635 --> 01:18:41,430
What happened to the baby, right?

1492
01:18:42,598 --> 01:18:44,433
Something fuckin' happened. So…

1493
01:18:45,350 --> 01:18:47,436
Pro-choice people like,
"Well, it's not a life yet."

1494
01:18:47,519 --> 01:18:49,605
"It's not a baby yet if--"
I don't know what they say.

1495
01:18:49,688 --> 01:18:52,399
"Before you do it the first Thursday
or the last Tuesday

1496
01:18:52,482 --> 01:18:54,151
and you spin around one time."

1497
01:18:54,234 --> 01:18:56,069
They dance between the right trucks.

1498
01:18:57,654 --> 01:18:59,698
"It's not a baby yet,"
that's what they say,

1499
01:18:59,781 --> 01:19:01,491
which may or may not be true.

1500
01:19:01,575 --> 01:19:03,160
I don't know, I'm not a doctor,

1501
01:19:03,243 --> 01:19:06,455
but I'll tell you, my gut tells me
that doesn't make sense.

1502
01:19:07,915 --> 01:19:08,832
It's not a baby yet.

1503
01:19:08,916 --> 01:19:12,711
That would be like if I was making a cake
and I poured some batter in a pan

1504
01:19:12,794 --> 01:19:15,547
and I put it in the oven,
and then five minutes later you came by

1505
01:19:15,631 --> 01:19:18,467
and you grabbed the pan,
you threw it across the floor.

1506
01:19:19,092 --> 01:19:22,179
And I went, "What the fuck?!
You just ruined my birthday cake."

1507
01:19:22,262 --> 01:19:24,973
And then you're like,
"Well, that wasn't a cake yet."

1508
01:19:25,724 --> 01:19:28,143
It's like, "Well, it would have been."

1509
01:19:29,019 --> 01:19:31,271
"If you didn't do what you just did,

1510
01:19:31,355 --> 01:19:33,982
there would have been a cake
in 50 minutes."

1511
01:19:34,066 --> 01:19:37,277
"Something happened to that cake,
you cake-murdering son of a bitch!"

1512
01:19:37,361 --> 01:19:38,612
Right?

1513
01:19:38,695 --> 01:19:42,741
Now, before all you pro-life people
get excited,

1514
01:19:42,824 --> 01:19:45,661
I think it's great
you're killing your babies.

1515
01:19:47,120 --> 01:19:49,206
It's fantastic.

1516
01:19:49,289 --> 01:19:53,043
Help Mother Nature out.
There's too many of us.

1517
01:19:53,126 --> 01:19:58,882
It's been 130 degrees out.
Animals are going extinct.

1518
01:19:59,591 --> 01:20:01,969
There's plastic in the fuckin' ocean.

1519
01:20:03,053 --> 01:20:06,181
We don't need any more fuckin' people.

1520
01:20:06,265 --> 01:20:09,226
And especially,
if you're honest with yourself,

1521
01:20:09,309 --> 01:20:11,728
have you done anything great
with your life?

1522
01:20:16,066 --> 01:20:19,194
Is the person you're banging
doing anything great?

1523
01:20:19,820 --> 01:20:22,573
The answer to both
of those questions is no,

1524
01:20:22,656 --> 01:20:24,992
what are the odds
you're gonna make a great person?

1525
01:20:26,410 --> 01:20:28,787
I'm not saying
you're gonna make a bad person,

1526
01:20:28,871 --> 01:20:33,250
you're just gonna make another person
that doesn't go when the light turns green

1527
01:20:33,333 --> 01:20:35,586
'cause they're staring
at their fuckin' phone.

1528
01:20:36,670 --> 01:20:38,672
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys were awesome.

1529
01:20:38,755 --> 01:20:41,466
Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.

1530
01:20:42,843 --> 01:20:44,219
This was amazing.

1531
01:20:45,554 --> 01:20:47,139
[cheering, whistling]

1532
01:20:49,057 --> 01:20:51,268
Thanks again.
Thank you for coming out, everybody.

1533
01:20:51,351 --> 01:20:53,228
I really appreciate it, good night.

1534
01:20:58,901 --> 01:21:01,069
[emcee] Bill Burr!

1535
01:21:01,153 --> 01:21:03,322
[audience cheering]

1536
01:21:36,146 --> 01:21:38,190
[cheering fades]

1537
01:21:51,578 --> 01:21:53,038
[audio muted]