♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪
♪ And Tuca and Bertie, Tuca and Bertie ♪
♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪
-♪ Tuca ♪ -♪ And Bertie. ♪
(vocalizing)
Tuca, I'm unsure about Speckle.
This morning, I found him staring out the window
while eating an entire pack of frozen hot dogs.
(gulps)
Uh... Why don't we stop that?
O-O-O-Okay, okay.
He's depressed.
Yeah, he didn't even laugh when I farted earlier,
and it was an objectively funny fart.
Here, I recorded it.
DOTTIE: Um, Bertie, Tuca,
can you hags pause the heart-to-heart?
We're in the middle of my wedding.
(fart recording plays)
Sorry. (chuckles, groans) Please, continue.
I take thee, Dottie, to be my wife at this wedding,
which establishes my alibi
for Novembird the 8th,
for richer, for poorer, in sickness,
and in court testifying that I could not have been involved
in any heists on our wedding day, Your Honor.
Oh, Gordon. (chuckles) You're so corny.
I pronounce you bird-husband and bird-wife.
You may now kiss your lovebird.
-Mwah. -(cheering)
And cue the doves.
(band playing)
(cheering)
You look so handsome tonight.
And you're so talented at so many things,
like sudoku.
You're sudo-cool.
I-I'm having a hard time figuring out
how to cheer you up, Spec.
Doesn't matter.
The world is hard,
so you might as well give up and drink an equally hard alcohol.
That's a cucumber berry sparkler.
Ah...
Ooh, that's smooth.
Tooks, do you want a drink?
I'm gonna have a virgin cocktail.
I'll have the same, booze-free,
but that doesn't mean it has to be a virgin.
I want a drink that fucks, Figgy.
(laughs)
So, Figgy is your date?
Not like that.
I'm just a friend who helps him stay sober.
Come on, I could make dumplings with the steam
from your chemistry.
You don't feel anything?
Nah, I'm completely ambivalent
about his strong, leafy body
and how hot he looks in that suit
and his intoxicating musk
of wood and figs and that mirthful gleam
dancing in the shine of his fruits.
Got it.
For once, I'm not horny. I'm cool as ice.
(gasps)
I only care about one thing:
dancing it up at this wedding before my body betrays me.
My monthly hell cramps are due to start any moment.
Time to get jiggy with that Figgy,
platonically.
Hey, bro. Aw, thanks for coming to my wedding,
even though you're busy doing nothing
since you got fired.
-Oh! -Of course. Happy to be here.
Hey, you'll be back on your feet soon.
You're a good man-robin. (chuckle)
You have to be if all your ex-girlfriends
formed a club celebrating your clown ass.
(laughter)
I'm sorry, what?
A club of Speckle's ex-girlfriends?
Yeah, those are some of the women I dated before you.
Sheila, Partridgina, Lou, Hummy, Rat-Face.
All our relationships ended cordially,
then they found each other on my social,
became best friends, and formed a club.
I thought all exes did that. Didn't yours?
Uh...
So, you dated Bertie?
For three months in college. You?
We had to kiss in a high school play.
I guess, for her, that counts.
Okay, I-I'm not immediately freaking out
about how hot and cool your exes are
and how I measure up.
This is fine.
It's not fine! You said Speckle's exes were mean girls.
Why are they here?
Oh, they're witches,
but I knew their gifts would be better
than anything on my registry.
Love the dress, Dottie.
You elevate off-the-rack like no other bird.
(laughter)
You know I roll classy, you whores. (chuckles)
They're so mean.
I need to know their whole deal immediately.
Dating Speckle was great, and we'll always love him,
but ultimately he wasn't the right fit for any of us.
The best thing he did was lead me to this
gorgeous group of goddesses.
We're a sisterhood of mutual support.
Hype women, but also just really good hangs.
We share a farm box.
Our group chat gives us life.
It got us through two divorces, a miscarriage,
a bankruptcy, and a murder.
(gunshot)
Acquitted! (chuckles)
-(cheering, laughter) -Yeah!
It was in self-defense.
(groans)
So, learning of this group's existence
and then facing them without any warning
is a lot.
Don't be jealous. You won this prize,
-this dead albatross of a man. -Not my point.
This raises a lot of questions, such as:
If they're so great, why are you with me?
Are you slumming it? Am I your rock bottom?
I know myself, and I'm not gonna relax until I get answers.
I got to infiltrate. Will you be okay?
I ate all the rolls.
Uh, hold that thought. I'll be right back.
(electronic dance music playing)
Ooh, baby, nope.
Find a neutral place to rest eyes.
Okay. Ooh, boy.
You okay, Tucatooks?
Uh, yeah. Wow.
Look at her in that crazy hat.
I love hat people. Think she'll let me borrow it?
-(gasps) -Mmm. Oh. (moaning)
Are they... pollinating?
That's my ex frenching that frog.
(gasps) Oh! (moans)
And she's gorgeous.
Ah, this is kind of weird.
But, yeah, who cares? (laughs) Not you.
Right, not weird at all.
Not gonna lie, it's kind of tough
being here right now, seeing her.
If it helps, it's tough for me to be here, too,
with the open bar and everything.
But you always seemed so chill
being around booze while not drinking.
For a night or two, sure, but staying dry
for an entire month has been a challenge.
Maybe it was a mistake to come.
Can't you just ignore it?
Yo, can I get your fingerprints on this real quick?
-Awesome. -Whoops!
(groans)
Want to dance? (laughs)
I... Uh...
Don't worry, I'm here to help.
(shouting)
-Ah! -(screams)
Get lost, you hoppy nerd.
Try not to think about liquor. Focus on the music.
♪ Yes, it's true, yes, it's true ♪
♪ I love you, I love you ♪
♪ Yes, I do, yes, I do ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I love you, I love you... ♪
Barf. This is the cover version.
Un momento.
-Hey, DJ, you're fired. -(record scratch)
You don't have that authority.
(laughs) I'm the best friend of the girlfriend
of the bride's brother.
(grunts) Apologies for my audacity.
I did not know to whom I was speaking.
Hey, cluckers, get ready to get poultried.
It's time to do the chicken slide.
(cheering)
♪ Bird Town is the place to be ♪
♪ And I've got a new dance for y'all to see ♪
♪ So buckle up, get ready to ride ♪
♪ 'Cause we're gonna do the chicken slide ♪
♪ The chicken slide ♪
♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide ♪
♪ Now the chicken slide is a very cool dance ♪
♪ And you can do it in your underpants... ♪
Oh, I can never grow a garden like this.
Don't be intimidated. It's easy to compost,
and there are so many worms looking
-for that kind of work nowadays. -(sighs)
Hi. Hi there.
Hi. Sorry, but the normal way ex clubs work
is that current girlfriends are barred from them. (chuckles)
I thought everyone knew that.
Bummer, but good for you and Speckle.
You two make sense together.
What does that mean? Is that a compliment?
Yeah, we're totally here for you.
If you ever break up.
Um... I'll be right back.
Anyways, here's the location and time
of the secret sample sale for that ethical purse designer.
For every purse they sell, they send a purse to college.
(awkward chuckle)
♪ Everybody do the chicken slide, that's right... ♪
-Where did you get that can? -I brought it.
Okay.
Speckle, I need to fake break up with you
to get into your ex-girlfriends' club.
Whatever you want. I don't have the will
to stop anything from happening.
I am pure inertia.
The breakup is just pretend.
(laughs)
Isn't everything?
(laughs)
No, Speckle, we can't stay together.
I'm breaking up with you.
I'll be back in five minutes to re-up this relash.
-Love you. -(sighs)
Well, I did it. I broke up with Speckle.
Yeah, I dumped the light of my life,
fire of my loins, the peanut butter
to my almond butter.
I like to blend them.
Great, we were just discussing Sheila getting tenured.
Ooh, well, what do you teach?
Leather jackets.
Like, how to make them,
or the history of them,
-or...? -Yes.
Take a seat, Bertie,
and help us affirm the shit out of Sheila.
♪ Chicken slide ♪
♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide ♪
(slow, distorted): ♪ The chicken slide ♪
Sorry, technical difficulties. The tempo is off.
And we're back.
(laughs) Excuse me for a moment.
(screams) Skort-crabs.
Ugh, the crab boil wasn't supposed to start
until after the speeches.
♪ The chicken slide. ♪
And I sprained my toe while saving
that nest of baby squirrels, but I still won
the snowboarding championships.
-Oh, my God. -So cool. -(laughs)
Wow, so inspiring.
So, anyways, why did all of you break up with Speckle?
Well, um, he was too scared to leave our block.
I turned seven, and I needed to explore
the big bad neighborhood.
Eh, you were kids. That's totally benign.
And, you two, did you do the dumping,
or was it mutual or...
-I'm gay. -Same, gay.
I'm straight, but not for Speckle.
Wow. Okay. And, Partridgina.
Look, I'm not proud of it, but I cheated on Speckle
-with his first building. -Building?
Speckle's a great architect, and once it was finished,
it and I, we... couldn't deny our feelings.
It was just so tall and brutalist.
Those elevator shafts. (moans)
And then I got pregnant.
Go play with your siblings.
(Partridgina grunts)
You didn't mind how Speckle was as an architect?
So consumed?
His passion was one of the things
-that drew me to him. -Me, too.
I love that about him. Uh, loved.
I thought he tied too much of his self-worth to his job.
Whenever he got insecure about it,
he'd get so dark.
It eventually broke us.
-Oh. -Why did you break up with him, Bertie?
Well, I... got a new job,
and he lost his job, so...
You must have gotten tired of being the breadwinner.
Uh-huh. I'm the breadwinner.
(glass clinking)
Hi, everybody.
(slurring): I'm Spurkle.
The bride brother.
Reese says it's time to speech.
You're bossy, Reese.
Get out of my face.
Dottie and Gordon. Where's Gordon?
Doesn't matter, right?
'Cause, you guys, life is like a construction site.
It's so much work, and it's dirty,
and it's full of rusty nails.
♪ Architecture analogy. ♪
Yeesh, and I thought Speckle was depressed
when we were together.
Anyways, Dottie, good sister.
Gordon, nice man,
but a little bit
suspicious.
Bye-bye.
(microphone feedback)
(applause)
Speckle, I figured out why you're depressed.
You're stressed about money, but I can support us.
I'm a breadwinner now.
-♪ All about that money ♪ -♪ Oh, make it grain. ♪
You're right. I wasn't even thinking about money,
but you'll need to support us,
which will put pressure on you and limit your career ambitions.
I've become a mooch.
I'm dead weight, a leech.
Oops.
Hey, everyone. Not that it matters anymore,
because we are definitely broken up,
but if you ever succeeded in cheering Speckle up,
how did you do that?
No wrong answers. We're in brainstorm mode.
Speckle's always his best self after a breakup.
After we split,
Speckle devoted himself to cold-calling
every architecture firm on his dream list,
and he got hired.
When we broke up, he started taking
long tricycle rides around the neighborhood.
I think it's what made him fall in love with houses.
It's a good thing you broke it off, Bertie.
That means he'll be on the upswing.
No, girl, it's the best thing you could have done for him.
What?!
Can I get everyone's attention?
Hello?
-(microphone feedback) -(groans) -It's that time.
Time to catch the lizard.
Can I get all the single ladies to the dance floor?
-(applause) -Now, whoever catches the lizard
gets to eat the lizard and also get married next.
But it's mostly about that sweet lizard meat.
(cheering)
Oh, whoa there. Oh-oh, settle down, sucker.
(overlapping shouting)
Hey, Tuca, you know how I said Speckle is depressed?
I remember everything you say, Bertie.
I put it in my mental Bertie book.
Like that time you said you'd catch the wedding lizard
and let me have all the meat.
I never said that.
In fact, if I catch it, I will devour it.
Can we talk about Speckle?
His exes think the only way to cheer him up is to dump him.
Of course. Speckle's a silly bitch who loves drama.
What if they're right?
What if I think I'm helping him but I'm just holding him back?
Huh. I'm in a similar mess with Figgy.
Is it helpful for me to support him
while all I can think about is banging him
under that banquet table?
That's right, I did a masterful job
of hiding it, but I want to hang a tire swing
from his head and swing into him crotch first, Bertie.
(sighs) What are we gonna do with these dudes?
I have no answers.
Sorry to eavesdrop, but when I'm feeling confused,
I buy a new hat.
Also, you should support your partners
through the rocky times.
What are you even doing at this wedding?
I'm Beth, Gordon's dentist and doubles partner.
Then it makes a lot of sense that you were invited.
Please continue.
Okay, for example, my girlfriend Kara,
she had huge issues when we started dating.
-No kidding. -What?
No quitting... telling this anecdote.
I won't. I just started.
Kara was really controlling and unapologetic,
but then she had an aha moment.
She admitted she was about to ghost me,
but she couldn't go through with it.
-Oh? -She said that,
although she can seem nonchalant about other people's feelings,
on the inside she's very chalant.
So, we went to therapy and worked through her issues.
I bet she hated being dragged to a shrink.
It was her idea.
Isn't that neat?
That's the thing about people.
You can't force them to change, but sometimes they just do.
(ship horn blows)
-(cheering, applause) -BETH: Ooh, that goose
finally caught the lizard.
Now we can move on to cake.
Good luck with your fellas.
(groans)
(dance music playing)
I'm glad you're back. Eesh.
I am feeling really twitchy.
I've never raw-dogged a wedding before.
I mean, been sober at one. (groans)
I'm always trying new slang when I'm feeling uncomfortable.
Anyways, this cake is bitchin'. (gasps)
Oh, I can't wait until I can drink again.
Okay, but what if you didn't drink again?
Just quit. You can do it. I quat.
You have no idea what I see
when I look out at this room, do you?
About $40,000 of wasted money?
No. Look.
We see things very differently.
What do you see? Show me.
Huh.
I think I get it now.
You feel the same way about alcohol
as I do about juicy butts.
I do, unfortunately.
You shouldn't be in a relationship
while you're dealing with this.
Ah, yes.
That's why I'm so glad you were firm
about us being just friends.
I was firm, wasn't I?
Yup, and
as a certified harassment prevention instructor,
I'm amazing at keeping boundaries.
As soon as you said, "Just friends,"
that set it in stone.
I'll never view you as anything other than platonic.
I don't even see you.
Yup. That's great.
That's exactly what I want.
(crying)
(burps) Does anyone want the rest of my cake?
I'm full.
Never mind, I changed my mind.
-I'm gonna eat it. -I'll share that cake with you.
Wait, I thought you were with my building.
I sent you a wedding present, no?
A-And we loved the curtains, but we've separated,
and not just because it's built downtown.
There were structural problems.
It couldn't please me sexually.
(whispers): Too much elevator, not enough shaft.
Honey, mama's talking to her friend. (grunts)
Now that you're not with Bertie anymore,
maybe we can get back together.
No! Excuse me,
-step off. -What?
-You broke up with him. -Yes,
-but he has to be single so he can be happy. -What?
And I want to say, "Back off, he's my man,"
but I'm only stopping this dalliance for the sake
of restoring Speckle's mental health.
I'm confused.
I'm not single, I'm with you.
But maybe if you weren't,
you wouldn't be depressed anymore.
Maybe we need to break up for real.
(crying)
PARTRIDGINA: You didn't really break up?
-Wow. -She lied.
You have some nerve.
You're no longer invited to any of our country lake houses
or city pied-à-terres.
No!
I think I might know what's going on.
I'm sorry. I can't help how I feel.
Me neither. The truth is,
-I don't want to be friends. -No?
I'm observing very poor boundaries by saying this,
and I should probably report and fire myself, but...
I want you.
The thought of being with you is the only thing
getting me through tonight.
I want you, too. (moans)
I want to strip your bark, tap your sap,
pour it on pancakes,
and then eat those pancakes with a side of bacon.
Oh, God.
(both moaning)
FIGGY: Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Speckle.
I let myself get distracted by your ex-girlfriends
because I didn't know how to help you.
(sighs) Join the club.
Not their club. The club where I'm here,
feeling helpless. Definitely the worse club.
I don't think so.
Bertie, I...
Hold on.
-(others groan) -I'm cutting you off, Speckle.
Wait, no, this is the real speech, I promise.
(sighs) Bertie, it wasn't because
of my previous relationships that I was depressed,
and it wasn't because of the breakups that I got better.
I just get depressed sometimes, and, Bertie,
with you as my foreman,
I will rebuild my self-esteem
and we will house
many more good memories.
I... Uh...
Sorry, I returned to the construction site analogy.
I'm too depressed to think of anything else.
(microphone feedback)
I loved it. Mwah.
I didn't. (scoffs) That wasn't about my wedding at all.
It seems like you're really good for Speckle,
and we love Speckle, so...
We're cool with you.
Aw, thanks. D-Does this mean I get to stay in the club?
Nope, sorry, but I'll give you the address of that sample sale.
You need it. (laughs)
Yes!
Hey.
Ow.
Oh, no, let's get you home.
I'm fine. The party is just getting started.
-(groans) -Tuca!
Hey, I'm a nurse.
-Kara? -It's your cramps, right?
-I remember. -Yeah.
This happens every month, no big deal.
You need to go to a doctor. Your signs are wild.
-(phone beeps) -It's gotten worse, huh?
Mm-hmm.
-(siren chirps) -Her blood pressure's 160.
Her heartbeat is inconsistent.
And my booty won't quit. (groans)
Figgy,
we could be together, and I can help you.
We can make this work, right?
(groaning)
Oh, no, Tuca.
(groans)
Can you give Speckle a ride? He shouldn't drive.
Aw, yeah, bro trip in the autobrobile.
(laughs) Oh, wow, I'm laughing again.
(laughs)
Oh, sorry, my emotions are inappropriate
for the situation at hand.
(crying)
Gordie, there you are.
Hey, babe, this diversion is probably a good time
-for us to jet. -Why do we need to jet?
I may have ripped off the caterer to pay for the venue.
Don't be mad.
I couldn't afford to give you the wedding you deserve.
Babe, I can't change you, and I don't want to.
I want to con with you by your side.
So, honesty hour, I ripped off the venue
to pay for the caterer.
So, nobody got paid,
and we got a dope-ass wedding?
Um, hell yeah.
Oh, Gordie. (moaning)
♪ ♪
♪ The chicken slide ♪
♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide ♪
♪ The chicken slide ♪
♪ Oh, we do the chicken slide. ♪
(dogs barking)