1
00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,795
(electricity buzzing)
2
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,380
♪ ♪
3
00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,545
(slurping sounds)
4
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:15,057
(whimpers)
5
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,600
Oh...
6
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,805
(gasps)
7
00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:23,605
Are you wearing my outfit?
8
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:27,110
Yes, we're twinsies.
Can we hang out all night?
9
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:30,743
Let's make up our own language
that only we know.
10
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,238
-What's wrong?
-Are you mad at us?
11
00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:37,785
Ugh. You're just so needy.
12
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,911
(screams)
13
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,303
♪ Tuca and Bertie and Tuca and
Bertie and Bertie and Tuca ♪
14
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,973
♪ And Tuca and Bertie,
Tuca and Bertie ♪
15
00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:53,681
♪ Tu-Tu-Tuca ♪
16
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,469
-♪ Tuca ♪
-♪ And Bertie. ♪
17
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,676
(vocalizing)
18
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,856
And the screech leeches
start to dress like you
19
00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,650
and then they suck
you dry and...
20
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:10,534
They take over your life.
Oh, my God, I know.
21
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,992
So good, so scary.
(exhales)
22
00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:16,533
But a lot of people
can't handle horror movies.
23
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,828
Maybe you should skip this one?
24
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,792
It's not just that it scares me.
25
00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:24,542
I was friends with the director
back in high school,
26
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,996
and things didn't end well,
and, well, now I'm worried
27
00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:29,756
this movie is about me.
28
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:33,759
Wait a minute, you were friends
with Muriel Nocturna?
29
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,683
She's a friggin' genius.
30
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:39,972
I have two copies of Cannibal
Sex Monkeys on Blu-ray.
31
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,678
Uh, Dr. Joanne?
32
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,898
Sorry, sorry, okay, putting
the therapy hat back on.
33
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,320
Tell me what happened.
34
00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,148
I used to be
just like those leeches.
35
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,534
Clingy and needy,
36
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:53,150
just a hardcore emotional
barnacle on Muriel's ass.
37
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:55,198
I can't even think about it
without cringing.
38
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,701
Look: not thinking about it,
39
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,624
now I'm thinking about it.
40
00:01:59,702 --> 00:02:00,872
Ow.
41
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,414
Bertie, I'm giving you homework.
42
00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:06,917
Reflect on this high school
experience with kindness.
43
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:09,211
Aww, homework? Do I have to?
44
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,505
Attagirl, get into
that teenage mindset.
45
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:13,970
Now that's out of the way,
46
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:17,760
could you sign
this poster for me?
47
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,556
(device beeping)
48
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,599
Where did you get
an X-ray machine?
49
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,103
Bertie, it was the wildest
heist you can imagine.
50
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:26,895
It had disguises,
dodged bullets, helicopters,
51
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,570
a laser maze
that I sexily evaded
52
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,898
after I sexily seduced
a sexy security guard.
53
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,275
-Hey, y'all. I'm taking it.
-I don't care.
54
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:37,623
Now I can finally figure out
what's wrong with me,
55
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,079
without all those pesky medical
experts getting in the way.
56
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,541
(beeps, whirring)
57
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,540
This stupid piece of junk.
58
00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:48,841
-Huh?
-What's happening?
59
00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:51,838
Oh, my God, I'm watching myself
bond with my brother.
60
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,261
This is my favorite memory.
61
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,549
And I'm guessing
it's my brother's as well.
62
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:57,763
Huh. My therapy homework
this week
63
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,394
is to reflect
on some old memories.
64
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,010
I wonder if we could use-- Ow!
65
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,637
I'm three bonks ahead of you.
66
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,184
Ow, ah. What the heck?
67
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,147
Hold still for the medical
experiment, Bertie.
68
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,689
Whoa. My parents
are driving me to school.
69
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,435
I'm 15.
70
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:18,067
Man, I'd forgotten how tense and
awkward it felt in this space.
71
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,116
And in this body.
72
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,289
Yeah, the vibe in here
is extremely off.
73
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,198
Okay, Bertie, remember,
you're seeing
74
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,287
the school counselor
before class today.
75
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,212
-What?
-To talk about, you know,
76
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:30,711
all of that unpleasantness.
77
00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:33,923
Have a good day, sweetie.
Good luck on your geometry quiz.
78
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,336
I'm just such an idiot,
letting that happen to me
79
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:42,637
at the Jelly Lakes,
a-and now I'm being a huge baby
80
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:45,642
about something that happened
two summers ago.
81
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,015
Whoa. Heavy.
82
00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:50,021
(chuckles)
Yikes. Uh...
83
00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:52,364
Oh, my God, I'm trying
so hard to be kind to myself
84
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,400
but it's like I-I keep getting
lost in these old emotions.
85
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,815
It's not your fault, Bertie.
86
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,413
It's your teen brain
being all teeny.
87
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:02,489
Plus, look at this counselor.
She's younger than I am.
88
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,745
How was she allowed
to counsel wayward youths?
89
00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,958
Um, I'm mostly here
to talk about your future.
90
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,879
Yeah, that's why I had you
fill out this career test, okay.
91
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,499
-Let's see.
-(computer chimes)
92
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:15,335
Ooh, you got
the best one: astronaut.
93
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:18,341
Damn it.
I want to be an astronaut.
94
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:19,844
Just do what I did:
95
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,546
lie about your age
and go to space camp, girl.
96
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,847
(school bell rings)
97
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,851
That counselor sucked balls.
98
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,853
Ooh, look, look, look.
H-He's our class president.
99
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,856
A-And she's one of the most
popular girls in my grade.
100
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,569
Bertie, I hate
to break it to you,
101
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,109
but everyone here is a dork.
102
00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,112
You went to a school for dorks.
103
00:04:38,194 --> 00:04:40,534
(gasps) I can't wait
to see my old friends.
104
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,823
Did I even tell them
what happened to me?
105
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,617
Geez, I'm trying to remember.
106
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,371
Ew, he did what to you?
107
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,582
Why would you even tell us
about that, you perv?
108
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,753
(chuckles) Yeah, I guess
it was pretty random.
109
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,093
Oh, right. I did tell them.
110
00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:56,878
You told me you'd never messed
around with a boy before.
111
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,423
Well, it wasn't on purpose.
112
00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,046
You've been lying to me.
113
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,223
You promised we'd do all this
stuff on the same schedule.
114
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,221
I didn't put
"hardcore make-out session"
115
00:05:04,303 --> 00:05:06,853
on my calendar
until senior year.
116
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,561
Bertie, I hate
to break it to you,
117
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,271
but everyone here is a bitch.
118
00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,311
You went to a school
for bitches.
119
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,895
Right? I mean, can you believe
this is how they reacted
120
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,071
to the literal worst thing
that ever happened to me?
121
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,571
What ever happened to them?
122
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,822
Did they go pro or did
they stay amateur bitches?
123
00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:23,954
I actually apologized
incident a few years later,
124
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,412
but it was in a way
that made it clear
125
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,161
I didn't understand
what I'd done wrong.
126
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:30,203
I'm in a wonderful marriage
with two beautiful children.
127
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,498
I'm still mad
that Bertie technically
128
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,752
got to third base before I did.
129
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,094
I don't remember
this incident at all,
130
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,380
but I actually did
go pro as a bitch.
131
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,384
I make half a million a year
bitching for the majors.
132
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,637
Can we stop talking
about Bertie's gross summer?
133
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,020
Instead, let's talk
about my awesome summer.
134
00:05:49,098 --> 00:05:51,098
I went up one and a half
cup sizes.
135
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,984
-(giggling)
-Oh, my God.
-Wow.
136
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,101
So big.
137
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,517
I have to go, um,
update my blog.
138
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,106
(whimpers)
139
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,322
(Bertie crying)
140
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,198
It's okay, baby Bertie.
141
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,950
This happened a long time ago.
142
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:07,662
BERTIE:
Yeah, but it also happened
143
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:11,622
two minutes ago,
and it feels so bad.
144
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:16,627
♪ You put a spell on me... ♪
145
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,960
Bertie, this girl looks like
146
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,956
a bootleg Supreme Court Justice.
147
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,298
Oh, my God, she's here.
148
00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:25,642
Don't be a leech.
Don't be a leech.
149
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,798
Hey, are you okay?
150
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,177
I heard you crying
all the way in the art wing.
151
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:32,314
You're actually the first person
I've found crying
152
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:33,981
-who wasn't a teacher.
-Hi. (chuckles)
153
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,100
I'm just, uh,
going through some stuff,
154
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,647
but, like, not in a needy way.
155
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,981
Talk to me about it.
I'm a great listener.
156
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,567
Uh... Okay, sure.
157
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,413
Is it boyfriend stuff?
Guys are the pits.
158
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,160
I'd be happy
to curse a dude for you.
159
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,042
Not exactly.
160
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,409
Um...
161
00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,745
This thing happened to me,
and, uh...
162
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,381
♪ ♪
163
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:59,338
Hey, you've got thick calves.
164
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:01,958
Are you interested in trying out
for the basketball team?
165
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,256
You can see me?
166
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:04,969
Of course.
You're the tallest kid here.
167
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,509
Think fast.
168
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,682
(laughs)
169
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,890
That's some rocket
you got on you.
170
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,221
You know how to set a screen?
171
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:14,305
Nope, but I'm good
at everything I try.
172
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,352
MURIEL:
I know how you feel.
173
00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:19,145
I got goosed by our handsy
gardener a few years ago.
174
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,730
Then my parents pretended
like it never happened.
175
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,106
Oh, my God,
my parents did the same thing.
176
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:25,653
They didn't want
to talk about it,
177
00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:27,656
so they handed me off
to the guidance counselor.
178
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:29,778
Miss Hamhock?
She told me I'm gonna grow up
179
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,326
and run a ketchup factory.
180
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:32,699
Then she started crying because
181
00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:35,075
she wants to run
a ketchup factory.
182
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,753
She's hella gnarly.
183
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,081
Hey, would you ever
want to chill sometime?
184
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,837
Yeah. I hella would.
185
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:45,009
Here's my number. Don't call
my house before 9:00 p.m.,
186
00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:48,629
or my parents
will freak out. Nocturnal.
187
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,099
♪ You're the friend ♪
188
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,273
♪ I need... ♪
189
00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:59,601
(both laugh)
190
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,227
♪ Indeed, you're a friend... ♪
191
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:05,065
Oh, my God,
you have a crush on Paul.
192
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,031
Shh, shh. He could hear you.
193
00:08:07,111 --> 00:08:08,741
Okay, fine,
let's come up with a nickname,
194
00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,871
so we can talk about him
in front of people.
195
00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:12,948
Let's call him... "Apple,"
196
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,414
because he likes apple juice.
197
00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:16,203
Ooh, I like it.
198
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,657
"Ap-paul."
199
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,207
Paul, for short.
200
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,040
That totally defeats
the purpose.
201
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,285
It's perfect.
202
00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,166
That's the guy
you're slobbering for?
203
00:08:24,253 --> 00:08:26,633
-He's a child.
-I know, I know.
204
00:08:26,714 --> 00:08:28,014
He's a baby.
205
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,220
I feel like I saw him
differently back then.
206
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:35,055
Oh... those cheekbones.
207
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,772
(sighs) Let's bounce and
go to Cool Subject.
208
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,401
-I need a new skirt.
-Okay.
209
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,490
I'm in here, like, once a week.
They have the best stuff.
210
00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,030
It all looks so dangerous,
211
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,413
but in a safe way, for teens.
212
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,161
Speaking of danger...
213
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,617
-W-What are you...
-You'd look so cute in this.
214
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,035
Here, put it on,
215
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:03,963
then walk out the door
like everything's cool.
216
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,633
(panting)
217
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:06,711
Whoo!
218
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,166
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
219
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,296
-(sighs)
-Oh, what a rush.
220
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,802
(both laugh)
221
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,683
We could be twins.
222
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,100
Oh...
223
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,428
(slurping)
224
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:18,563
(burps)
225
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,981
(Muriel and Bertie laughing)
226
00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:21,809
And that's how
the birds from Europe
227
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:25,564
discovered America before the
birds that were already here.
228
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,438
-Any questions?
-Ooh!
229
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,145
Why am I here?
I'm not part of this memory.
230
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,276
Go to the principal's office!
231
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,323
(groans)
232
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,566
(Muriel and Bertie laughing)
233
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,332
Hey, I made this for you.
234
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,451
Really? For me?
235
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,868
Oh, it's no big deal,
just a couple bands I'm into.
236
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,997
I prefer cassettes to CDs
because they're retro,
237
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,924
and they sound worse. It's cool.
238
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,713
Thanks. I-I'm gonna
listen to it right away.
239
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:54,337
♪ You're something new ♪
240
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,717
♪ Cool ♪
241
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:59,394
♪ Something that I never ♪
242
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:02,983
♪ Dreamed I could know ♪
243
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:04,690
♪ Whoa ♪
244
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,520
♪ I've never been so high ♪
245
00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:08,856
♪ You make me feel alive ♪
246
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,941
♪ All from those serpent eyes ♪
247
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:14,157
♪ Let's go no days without you ♪
248
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:17,738
♪ You're something... ♪
249
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:20,615
(British accent): Pip, pip,
I baked you a bitch cake.
250
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:21,873
(laughs)
251
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,504
Y-You'd better not bitch me out.
252
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,542
(laughs)
253
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,125
(British accent):
Hey, fetus mouse,
254
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,379
I made you a hater pie.
255
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,012
(laughs)
256
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:32,878
You look like a bomb-ass babe.
257
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,375
I'm so glad you stole these.
258
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,467
(chuckles) Thanks.
259
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,721
-(door opens)
-Hey, girls. Wow.
260
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:42,766
Bertie, where did you get
all those clothes?
261
00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:46,190
Mom! Please knock before
you enter my personal space.
262
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,560
I made you some snacks.
263
00:10:47,646 --> 00:10:49,266
Beefy Teens Canned Pasta.
264
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,147
-Ugh. (chuckles)
-ANNA: Bertie's
absolute favorite.
265
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:53,743
Mom, Muriel is a vegetarian,
266
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,529
and... so am I.
267
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,954
Since when?
We had burgers just last night.
268
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,623
I was scowling the whole time.
269
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,831
Like, you don't think
that meant something?
270
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:05,212
(British accent):
What are you, mental?
271
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,249
(laughs)
272
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,212
Okay, I'll leave you alone.
273
00:11:13,589 --> 00:11:16,969
It was nice to meet
your new friend yesterday.
274
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,591
I can't help but, uh,
275
00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,757
notice that you're
starting to resemble
276
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:23,176
-this new girl a little bit?
-Yeah, so?
277
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,095
I like this stuff.
I look hella cool.
278
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:28,404
I just want to make sure you're
not losing your sense of self.
279
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:31,149
I know sometimes you can
get into trouble
280
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,282
throwing yourself
into the deep end.
281
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,819
Oh, so now you care about me
and what I'm going through?
282
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,454
Of course I care,
don't be silly.
283
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,082
Now, about this new look,
284
00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:43,078
are you a Satanist? I saw this
285
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,540
-story on the news about
a group of Satanists...
-(grunting)
286
00:11:45,621 --> 00:11:46,501
...who donated
287
00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,120
to a charity, and I thought,
288
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,917
"Is my daughter a Satanist?"
289
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,590
Mom, what are you
even talking about?
290
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,960
Why don't you just send me back
to the school counselor
291
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:58,217
like you do whenever there's
a problem, apparently?
292
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,140
Good luck on your
geometry quiz, honey.
293
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,524
-(laughter)
-That is so Melissa to say that.
294
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,810
Janelle, don't you take that
from Melissa.
295
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:12,314
Belinda, get over here and help
Janelle beat Melissa's ass.
296
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:14,568
Oh, hey, Bertie,
how's your memories going?
297
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,990
Uh, my mom is so awkward.
298
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,529
She doesn't understand
true friendship.
299
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,373
She called me a copycat.
300
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,289
Don't you mean a copy-bat?
(laughs)
301
00:12:24,368 --> 00:12:27,908
♪ You put a spell on me... ♪
302
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,210
Whoa, she drinks coffee?
That's so cool.
303
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:34,964
I-I'm gonna start
drinking coffee.
304
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,585
Bertie, stop tripping.
305
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,172
If she drank coffee
off a bridge,
306
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,087
would you drink coffee
after her?
307
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,886
-Think about it.
-Muriel!
308
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,429
Over here.
309
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:47,352
Wow, some people really
lose themselves in fantasies.
310
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,443
Welp, back to basketball.
311
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:53,189
So... did you
call Paul last night
312
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:54,822
-like I dared you to?
-(laughs)
313
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,569
Yeah, but, uh, you know,
I was so nervous
314
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,690
I just cussed into the phone
and hung up.
315
00:12:58,777 --> 00:12:59,987
I said, "Ass."
316
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,700
So, once you do finally
hook up with him,
317
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:04,160
what're you guys gonna do?
Are you gonna tongue kiss?
318
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:05,991
-Touch butts?
-I don't know.
319
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:08,116
I-I'm kind of scared
of that stuff.
320
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,164
Are you scared right now?
321
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:12,117
No...
322
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:14,959
Mm?
323
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,674
-(heart beating)
-Mm. Mm.
324
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,591
-Mm.
-Mm.
325
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,894
I'm gonna be late
for chemistry again.
326
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,088
See you later.
327
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:25,718
Well, what do you
want to do after school?
328
00:13:25,804 --> 00:13:27,474
You want to go to the diner
and get crinkle fries?
329
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,556
-(school bell rings)
-Or we could just
go to my house
330
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,192
and make out in my room
all afternoon?
331
00:13:31,268 --> 00:13:32,728
(laughs) Just kidding.
332
00:13:32,811 --> 00:13:35,311
Oh, actually, I was gonna
go to the mall with Jessica.
333
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:36,647
Maybe I'll see you later?
334
00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:38,942
(stammers) Well,
not-not if I see you first.
335
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,196
I mean, you will
also see me later,
336
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:44,068
if I see you first. I-I'm not
going to, like, murder you.
337
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,736
(laughs) But, seriously,
338
00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:47,414
I'm-I'm not gonna murder you.
339
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,373
Okay.
340
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,253
But...
341
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,960
the mall was our place.
342
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:58,589
So then, I asked Kevin
if he thought Lydia was pretty,
343
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,761
and you'll never believe
what he said. It was so sick.
344
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,720
He said, "Yes,"
345
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,681
and I was like, "Um,
346
00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,971
pervert much?"
347
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,140
Mm.
348
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:18,733
Dude! Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
349
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,606
No, I just missed you.
Anyways, last night,
350
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,653
after you didn't answer
any of my 17 calls,
351
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:24,106
and the machine ran out of tape,
352
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:26,116
I channeled all of that energy
into this mix
353
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:27,448
I made for you.
354
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,123
You put "Nearer"
by Ten Inch Talons on here?
355
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:32,452
You didn't even like
Warehouse Murder Party Music
356
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,788
until I told you about them.
357
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:37,082
Well, I love it now.
Wait, are you mad at me?
358
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,304
No.
359
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,762
(slurping noise)
360
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,601
(groans)
361
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,767
Hey, watch this.
362
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,602
(laughter)
363
00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,822
What are you doing?
Today's chicken nugget day,
364
00:14:59,898 --> 00:15:02,938
and I know how much you love
your processed meat wads.
365
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,147
Nuh-uh, I love tofu.
366
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:06,737
Bertie, stop lying.
367
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,532
You told me tofu
makes you want to cry.
368
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,987
I love tofu so much.
369
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,787
I could eat it at every meal.
370
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,712
Yum.
371
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,041
(bell rings)
372
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,376
The main causes
of the Bird Civil War
373
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,762
were the economy
and bird states' rights.
374
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:26,179
Can anyone tell me
when the war started?
375
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,838
-(groans) Snoozapalooza.
-HISTORY TEACHER: Anyone?
376
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:30,347
No?
-(laughs)
377
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,929
HISTORY TEACHER:
Okay.
378
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,984
Can anyone tell me when
the Battle of the Giant Cats
379
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,229
happened?
380
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,600
Come on, guys,
it was only 40 years ago,
381
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,317
and some of us
still hold grudges.
382
00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:43,648
Now, next week, I want
383
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:45,034
everybody to be prepared,
384
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,070
we're gonna be talking
about the Emu Wars.
385
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:49,454
(slurping noise)
386
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:51,581
(crying)
387
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,161
-(screams)
-Smile for the yearbook.
388
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:58,165
What? I'm not feeling
photogenic right now.
389
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,208
Could you please stop?
390
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:00,961
No way. Nobody's invented
391
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,463
the concept of asking
for permission yet.
392
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,087
(cheering)
393
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:09,885
Okay, Coach, I'm gonna do
394
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,638
some lay-'em-ups
and some dribble-'em-downs.
395
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,560
And then I'm gonna pick
the old pumpkin from the patch,
396
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,020
and then I'm gonna put
the basketball in the basket.
397
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,732
-Sound good?
-You're a pro.
398
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,062
And one more thing. You know
I'm not in high school, right?
399
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,437
-I'm in my 30s.
-Listen to me,
you piece of shit.
400
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,435
I only care about one thing:
winning.
401
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,407
So go out there and score me
as many points as you can
402
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:32,738
-before you hit menopause, okay?
-Yes, Coach.
403
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,075
Hey, Muriel.
404
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,159
Yeah, I'm here ironically, too.
(chuckles)
405
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,785
(English accent):
Pip-pip. Fetus mouse
406
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,211
is ready to watch
some b-ball, huh?
407
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,670
(laughs, groans)
408
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,802
♪ Left, right,
love the feeling ♪
409
00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:47,379
♪ There's no one else I love ♪
410
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,014
♪ Left, right,
love the feeling ♪
411
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,631
♪ There's no one else I love ♪
412
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,388
-♪ Left. ♪
-(audience gasps, exclaims)
413
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:53,639
Huh?
414
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,311
Where did all these yearbooks
come from?
415
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,020
Well, that's how memory works.
416
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,561
It composites things
in a strange way,
417
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,055
and it's often inaccurate.
418
00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:06,107
For example, there was never
a goat here at all.
419
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:09,991
I'm just a model
you saw in a catalog once.
420
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:14,413
-You won gothiest?
-I did?
421
00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,827
I didn't mean to. I didn't know!
422
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,461
How could you do this?
423
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,708
Muriel,
I-I swear it was a mistake.
424
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:23,790
What the hell
are you even doing, stalker?
425
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,456
Your favorite color is pink.
426
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,964
That's not true. I-I'm goth.
427
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:31,007
You like rom-coms and boy bands.
428
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:33,261
(voice breaking):
Why are you being like this?
429
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,013
You're my best friend.
430
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:37,555
Bertie, look,
I let you hang around
431
00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,099
because I felt bad for you.
432
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,813
You're not my best friend.
433
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,813
-That's Jessica.
-(Jessica buzzes)
434
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,185
We weren't talking for a month,
435
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:45,981
but now
we're best friends again.
436
00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:48,654
But... you kissed me.
437
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,654
Yeah. I was just messing around.
438
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,736
We're not really friends
439
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:56,162
at all.
440
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,291
-(Bertie crying)
-Time out.
441
00:17:58,368 --> 00:17:59,948
-(whistle blows)
-Tuca.
442
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,577
There's one second on the clock,
and we need one point to win.
443
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,254
Do it for Melissa and Janelle.
444
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,503
Do if for Belinda
and the promise you made
445
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:08,665
before she succumbed
to her curling iron burns.
446
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,174
You can do it!
Take it to the hole!
447
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:12,716
I know I can, but I won't.
448
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,550
I got to go help my best friend.
449
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,143
(audience groans)
450
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:18,761
(grunts)
451
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,927
(grunting)
452
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,903
(crying):
I'm too much of a loser to live.
453
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,020
Bertie, don't let a little girl
454
00:18:29,107 --> 00:18:31,357
whose brain
isn't even fully developed yet
455
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:32,693
make you cry.
456
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,148
Nobody in the entire world
457
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,778
has ever felt
this heartbroken before.
458
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,695
I am the queen of pain.
459
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:39,954
Aw, man.
460
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:41,495
You are just tits-deep
in teendom.
461
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:43,328
How about we just get you
some ice cream?
462
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,373
-(Bertie grunting)
-Would that
make you feel better?
463
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:48,127
No. I'm not a baby.
464
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,710
I don't want ice cream.
465
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,545
Do you want me to break out
and gain a thousand pounds?
466
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:56,221
-That's it! We're
turning this memory around.
-(screams)
467
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:59,681
I said I don't want to!
468
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:02,853
Oh. Actually,
I would love some ice cream.
469
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,813
Let me just take a lactose pill.
470
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,483
Welcome back
to your creaky adult body
471
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,192
that can't digest anything.
472
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,572
Ooh! Oh, man.
I'm sorry I was such a mess.
473
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:14,529
It's crazy that I never got any
resolution with Muriel at all.
474
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,361
You still can.
There's a screening
475
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:17,606
of the Screech Leeches,
476
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:19,118
and the director's
gonna be there.
477
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,199
Want to put on some eyeliner
and black dresses
478
00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:23,195
and go
scare the shit out of her?
479
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:24,447
I got two tickets.
480
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:25,958
When did you get the tickets?
481
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:29,079
I got them before.
The movie looked good as hell.
482
00:19:29,167 --> 00:19:31,587
Not everything is about you,
Bertie.
483
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,340
-(suspenseful music playing)
-(groaning)
484
00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,838
(panting)
485
00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,761
(grunts)
We did it.
486
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,045
We escaped the leeches.
487
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,558
We're finally safe.
488
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:45,559
WOMAN:
I was about to say
the same thing.
489
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,602
No. No!
490
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:50,266
-(laughing)
-(snarling)
491
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,027
Whoo-hoo! Bravo!
492
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,913
Oh, got to pee.
Excuse me, sir. Got to pee.
493
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:02,701
-Ooh.
-Mm, I liked it.
494
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:05,754
Almost as good
as her last movie, Smug Bugs.
495
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:07,459
(chuckles):
Uh, thank you all
496
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,629
for coming to see
the Screech Leeches.
497
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,458
We have
a very special guest tonight.
498
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:15,713
(chuckles): Here's the director,
Muriel Nocturna.
499
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,757
(applause)
500
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,344
Thanks, everyone.
501
00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,467
I'll do a quick Q and A now
502
00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:24,604
if any of you want to... Oh.
503
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,931
Yes! Uh, hi, Muriel.
It's me, Bertie.
504
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,187
I actually have
more of a comment
505
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:30,228
-than a question.
-(audience groans)
506
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:32,732
I just wanted to say
I-I-I'm sorry
507
00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:34,694
I was such a leech
when we were in high school.
508
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,145
I-I suffocated you
with my uncoolness.
509
00:20:37,235 --> 00:20:39,065
An uncoolness I've outgrown,
510
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:41,574
and I'm actually
pretty cool now.
511
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,117
And I'm sorry I won gothiest,
512
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,990
which obviously caused
such a lasting damage
513
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,578
that you had no choice
but to work out your feelings
514
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,754
in this movie, that, frankly,
515
00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:52,672
was really disturbing,
516
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,131
and I worry
about the mental state
517
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,671
of anyone who would enjoy
something so scary.
518
00:20:56,755 --> 00:21:00,045
Never mind.
I just wanted to apologize,
519
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:03,013
and it's okay if you want to...
520
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,295
(English accent):
...bitch me out,
521
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:07,518
titty guv'nor.
(laughs)
522
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:10,019
Uh... Oh.
523
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:13,062
Uh, the movie
isn't about you at all,
524
00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:14,686
so...
525
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:16,693
-What?
-It's about my kid.
526
00:21:16,775 --> 00:21:20,275
He's so needy,
and he's always copying me.
527
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:23,122
Aah! Stop jocking me, creep.
528
00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:24,738
Get your own nose.
529
00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:28,035
Ugh. Anyways, who's next?
530
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:31,004
Hi. Can you make my movie?
531
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,081
I'm a man.
532
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:35,706
Oof. That was rough.
533
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:37,594
I'm still a freak, I guess.
534
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:39,261
Bertie, you weren't a freak.
535
00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,509
You were a high school girl
with too many
536
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:43,891
complicated, sloppy, wet,
high school feelings
537
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,259
to know what to do with.
538
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:48,175
Be kind to that creepy
little baby Bertie.
539
00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,385
She creeped her way
into my heart.
540
00:21:50,475 --> 00:21:53,765
Aw. I'm your heartworm.
541
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,904
Now, when are you gonna start
dressing like me, huh?
542
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:59,151
(chuckles) I've been begging you
to wear short shorts for years.
543
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:01,404
(laughs)
Oh, Tuca.
544
00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:03,406
I want to make you over
to be a little, mini Tuca.
545
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,238
You'd be so cute. You're
gonna need beak extensions
546
00:22:06,324 --> 00:22:08,204
and ass-shaking lessons,
though. Ooh!
547
00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:09,865
And some vocal coaching
548
00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:11,913
so you can...
(caws)
549
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:14,617
-Try it.
-(Bertie caws)
550
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:18,048
TUCA:
Yep, we've got
a lot of work to do.
551
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:20,758
♪ Your movie ♪
552
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:24,429
♪ Was not about me ♪
553
00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:29,597
♪ Your movie ♪
554
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:34,135
♪ Was about someone else. ♪
555
00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:53,745
PAUL:
Uh, no. Bad idea.
556
00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,876
(slurps)
557
00:22:56,958 --> 00:23:04,928
(dogs barking)